Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Hypersensitivity

I was here. But I was not supposed to be here. I do not want to be here. Yet I was here. It’s like you wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere in a place where I am with someone who was there by my side. Like I was someone else in some place that I really like and be with somebody I was meant to be.

Yet, I was here. Time tells me I was supposed to be here. I should be in this rightful place at this very moment. It's not like I have no choice. It's just that at the moment I have no place to go.No one to be with. So my feet just led me to where I was supposed to be. And eventually, I understand why I was here or why I was there. I was with this person or at this very place. It was how I escape from my somewhere and get to be with somebody's somewhere.

So there you have it, I was really escaping from something but the world is still leading me to the real deal of it all. It is like God is telling me that this; my daughter is the world you are in. It is cruel. It is amazing. It is bizarre. It is complicated. It is a kaleidoscope of everything and everyone in it. And again, I was meant to see it and understand it. Even though I try so hard to escape and believe that the world is lovely place full of love and kindness, there is always the negative side of it. I know it is a test of how much you can put your faith in this world where almost everyone has escaped and had long ago surrendered.

As much as I would not like to see things, know and understand situations, I was meant to deal with it. I was here. I was there. I saw it. I hear it. I knew it. And I try to understand it. But these things are difficult for me. I found myself wishing not to know and see things this way. As much as I wanted to numb myself and be dumb on certain things, I just cannot do it. I was always involved even though I should not be in the first place. It is so hard when I try so much to understand but they do not want to let you inside. When I try to care and get involve, I was accused of being out of bounds. I was suddenly in a blur. It is like after all of it, I will have to figure out by myself what exactly just happened.

It is hard to be blind when you see things. It is hard to be deaf when you are needed to listen to it. It is hard to put yourself into mute mode because you know nobody will listen. It is hard not to feel at all when you know it is really meant to hurt. And thus, my doctor's diagnosis was right that I have hypersensitivity.

As much as I would not like to, I cannot escape. I am in this world. I am to deal with it. And at the end of the day, I was here for a reason.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Push

Have you ever felt like that? Like you were standing on the edge of the cliff with nowhere to go? You were like a piece of rock just dreading to be pushed by the strong wind and it watches you feel into pieces. It is so hard to feel you belong when there is someone voting you out of the circle. It is exhausting to fight for your rightful place when everyone is making you feel an outcast. It is so frustrating to stay when everything that is happening is pushing you farther away.

Why do we have to go through complications when all we wanted is just to fit in? Why can everyone just go along with each other and be honest? When every truth you believed in was just built from lies. I know in this world there are lies. There are cover ups. Everyone tries to wear a mask. Everyone tries to be mysterious so to find someone who can pull something out of them.

It is a wonderful feeling when you find somebody who had pulled you inside their world. When there are no monsters to reveal behind a dazzling masks. Somebody had trusted you and you put your faith in them. You are free to roam in their world and everything else falls into the right place. The world is real and you finally fit in.

But suddenly as you run along freely, you met a dead end and was standing in the edge. The world that makes you safe is suddenly a nightmare. They got you inside a huge cover up. They thought pulling you inside would give them something in return but they did not get that something. Something to gain for from letting you in. They had built a world of lies. And now they are pushing you off the sharp edge of a cliff.

All along you were true to yourself and to them but they were blinded by their evil schemes. To attract people in their world and to have you do something from them. The world you thought was real has suddenly come to an end. You were pushed away. You are now the rock falling into the abyss of being broken into pieces.

They did not see how better the world could be if only everyone is true. Everyone believes in someone else. Maybe then we do not have to struggle to be puled inside or have the fear of being pushed away. That is why everyone tries to be on the safe side and wear those masks or just hide inside their own world. I guess there would always be people trying to throw out people. It is just sad to see that in the end they are the ones left alone inside their world full of lies.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky



"You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand."

I was circling the bookstore to find this book. I promised myself I would buy this book as I decided to get back to reading again regularly. And so I finally lay my hands on the book entitled "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky. As you see the book has a very interesting cover and deeply amazing plot. I am just scared that I might put this book down and I might not find the time to read it but I am glad I did not.

As I turned the pages I found that it is perfect for me. The story revolves around Charlie who opens up to a "friend" about his life by writing letters. So we get to know Charlie who is described by his Aunt Helen as "special". His teacher Bill believed is special too and is exceptionally intelligent. Bill gives him special assignments by giving him bokOps }yntmaking an essay out of it. His mother said he has a talent on telling stories. His father trusted him to keep a secret on how he caught his Dad crying after watching the last episode of Mash. His sister also made him keep a promise on not telling anyone about her accidental pregnancy. And how his brother shared stories with him about football and girls. And how Charlie was not afraid to cry and be emotional and say his "I love you's" to those people close to him.

Charlie was not the biggest geek or even popular. He is trying to blend in and trying to be noticed. Indeed he is a wallflower trying to test the waters of being a teenage but trying to swim on it and hoping not to get drowned. He eventually met friends, seniors Patrick and Sam. With them he was welcomed to the world of sex,drugs, dating, alcohol, gay relationships and love. As he go through exploring his world with them, they expect him to blend in, as a true wallflower; he see things,keep quiet about them and just have to learn to understand it for himself. Charlie learned that loving the beautiful Sam but nothing to gain in return is what true love is. Charlie saw that gay relationships might be so complicated but as long as the two people involved are in unity, he learned to be happy for his friends Patrick and Brad.

I was in this book as I was reading it. I was blending in the crowd like a perfect wallflower. Going on like I never really did care but deep inside there is a kaleidoscope of thoughts and emotions. And because unnoticed nobody really cared what you think or feel. And I was Charlie. I guess in this sea of people, there should always be a wallflower or maybe a bunch of wallflower. Trying t go unnoticed but would like to have a chance of a spotlight. Always the one being quiet but trying to get heard someday. And the real perk of being a wallflower is the ability to understand. It might seem pathetic because they immediately expect you to understand but I think it is the trust of people to judge you as being an understandable person. To accept things without questions. To see the reasons behind people's drastic choices or even their non-sense decisions.

A lot of friends saw me reading this book. One said, that the title itself tells it has a deep story. Another said, it is an emotional one. Then there is another who laughed at the title and asked if there would really be some perks of being a wallflower. And I was quick to answer that there is. The thought of being invisible without even having the real power of it is amazing. It might be strange and boring life of being unnoticed but the fact of being able to understand when no one would is a gift.

"We accept the Love that we think we Deserve."

Somebody to Love Glee Cast Version



"Somebody To Love"

Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief,
Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?

(He works hard)

Everyday - I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah

Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm ok, I'm alright
Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

A Notice and A Warning

(Note: I changed my blog title to make it more appropriate for myself of course.)

Warning: The following entry is just a swirl of thoughts and emotions that I cannot really organized as of the moment. Prepare to get dizzy or crazy.

I have felt how to be shocked in a pleasant way. God really has a way of surprising us everyday. I have lent an ear to a lot of friends this past few weeks also. I guess I am good at listening and I have the ability to really do listen. Every now and then there is a need for someone for somebody to hear them out. And I am (I think) that perfect somebody.

It is like being with a friend. I am so flattered (and it literally makes my heart flutter) because of being a trusted friend. Knowing that despite your differences in all ways it is so delightful on having your friends to trust you with their emotions and thoughts. It is so lovely a feeling.

I have trouble sleeping last night and I think my Ate is crying or she is just having a bad cold. I don't know. It just bothers me. She is just texting someone and I told her to please put her phone on silent mode. I remembered Mama saying that my sister can get married and I told her that I would also. But I do not think Mama took me seriously. Oh,well.

I think I am really a magnet to those people whom I can feel who needs me. One close friend told me that I was sensitive. I went to ask if my being sensitive is sometimes in overrated already. But I guess this how I am. I bother and think too much even if no one really cares. I see things and hear them. I do not respond through violent reactions but I keep silent most of the time and just understand the way life goes.

I also bought a new book, which practically inspired the changes here, in my blog. It is a book by Stephen Chbosky. I promise to write a review about it. Also the Breaking Dawn pandemonium is here and I was hooked. Twilight is finally is nearing its dawn. It is funny that it is only to the fourth installment that I get to appreciate how perfectly Robert Pattinson fits the character of Edward Cullen. Let us just forget Kirsten Stewart maybe I will appreciate her on the part two

Plus, if I get to be a vampire I think my sensitiveness would now go overrated.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Lighten Up

Let me lighten up my blog before everyone thinks that this is the blog of a suicidal. So I found this old note of a supposed to be blog back in college. The ink on the paper was already fading out but glad it was still readable. It is a list of things that fascinates me and make me happy. Here it goes:


Fireworks. Brilliant is the mind behind those fireworks. I am always fascinated by those glaring lights that took different colors and shapes as they shattered into the sky.

Fountains. I remember being at awe always at fountains. Whenever my parents brought us at the mall or at the park, they would always find me stuck in watching the waters spurting everywhere at a fountain. I love it especially at night, when they had those lights dancing along with the water. It makes me feel like a child again.

Fairytale. My little sister used to have this hard-bound Disney Cinderella book. I kept on reading it though the pages were already torn and there are scribbles on the pages by my sister. It makes me believe in magic and wonders behind this cruel world.

Bread and Fries. I would say that bread and french fries are few of the long list of the comfort food I love to eat during my "down days". Bread and french fries would be at the top of my list. I could never go sulky with these food in my mouth.

Moon and Stars. I am always drawn by the moon's light and the bizarre feeling it gives me. Or it is because it makes me a lunatic just what research says when it is in full moon. For me it is the most mysterious heavenly body for me. I was fascinated staring at stars also, especially when I learned that each has its own color and they also age and die eventually.

Rain. To some, if it rains it would ruin their day but for me I always love the rain. Though it is really annoying to go to work on a rainy day it is still refreshing to feel the drizzle on your skin. I used to think that God is sad when it rains.

Book and Writing. I tried to remember how I learn the basics of reading and writing. I wonder if my aunt who taught me how to read and write had a hard time before. But I thank her for her patience because I found the joy of reading and pouring out my emotions through writing. At home, it would difficult for my mother to make me do household chores once they saw me on my corner reading or writing something.

Trees. When I was a kid, I dreamed of becoming a tree. In a way I don't need to go somewhere else and just stay in one place forever. It is just sad that as much as a tree would like to stay, people took them away. They don't have a choice but to die.

Dusk and Dawn. When the sun sets or rises it is like watching a beginning and an end. I love the scene when the sky blend into different shades of color signaling the start of the day or welcoming the dark of the night. Reminding us that another day has ended and to hope for a wonderful beginning.

Dogs and Dol
phins. I grew up in a household who are fond of dogs. So I am a certified dog lover. I also loved dolphins. I was amazed upon learning that once a dolphin finds a mate they would stay with each other for forever. Sometimes I have a feeling that I was a dolphin or a dog in my past life.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

OneRepublic - Good Life (AOL Sessions)




"Good Life"

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know

Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life

This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight

Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello

My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out

Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool

Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Oh this has gotta be the good life

This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight

Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Hopelessly

I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

Oh this has gotta be the good life

This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight

Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Oh yeah

Good, good life
Good life
Ooh

Listen

My friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out

Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Taste of Fear

It is still at the tip of my tongue. Fear. So this is how it feels and taste like. I cannot believe I would come face to face with it. I could not believe it was happening right in front of me. But there it was staring straight at me. I never like the fact that things will get out of control and to feel like my world suddenly made a sudden change. The days I planned would turn out to be a disaster because of one incident.

It happened in the wee hours of the morning. On my way to work and I feel so safe because you are not yet far from the neighborhood. Then there it was in the darkness along the ride, four men declared their evil deed. I was taken aback. I felt like it was just a big joke happening in front of me but it was the dreadful reality. One man got a gun but he did not point it at anyone in particular. Not even to me whom he got to grabbed my bag first. I think I was seeing everything in slow motion. The man took away all of my things. Everything I had that day. The rest of the passengers in the jeep did what they had to do to escape and save themselves.

I wanted to scream for help. I wanted to beg the man to just spare my other belongings. I wanted to run after them as I even saw the four of them running for their escape. I wanted to come after them but I was torn into pieces by fear. Torn if I would scream for help, or just cry helplessly. And there it was fear shrouding my being. I suddenly do not know what to do. I wanted to do something but I was frozen by fear. I was scared. I forgot that our house was just a run away from where I was. I forgot that I would have to run along a bridge just to reach home. I forgot that I was uncomfortable in crossing bridges.
But fear was coming after me and so I ran home. My legs are so wobbly, I did not even think I can walk, but I found myself half-running and half-walking. As I ran home upstairs and called for Mama, the tears of my fear and helplessness burst out. I saw my whole family looking at me with scared and concerned eyes. My Papa, Mama, Ate, my younger brother and younger sister were all wide awake watching me cry and hearing my story. They knew I was always the weak one, I was a big cry baby in the family. As they saw me break down helplessly in front of them they knew I was in pain. I saw their love and concern for me. My Ate who was the strong one scolded me with concern . She told me I could still get back the things that were taken away from me and at least I did not go home drenched in my own blood. My younger brother held me on my shoulders and smoothed my back as I cry but I felt suddenly angry.

My fear turned into anger as I dried my tears. The things that I have earned so hard and cherished were suddenly taken away from me by just a bunch of morons who could not stretch their bones to get a job. I lost my things. The cellphone Papa bought for me when I got my first job was gone. My notebook where I jot down my random thoughts and feelings was also gone. I do not have much of material things to show off but I have much things that I cherished much in my bag that were taken away from me and the fact that I worked so hard for those things were infuriating. Then again I do not have the luxury of time to sulk into things I can never have anymore, to feel hatred to those four bastards who stole my things and to fear for another day of going to work in the wee hours of the morning. As my family and friends showered me with their love and support I know I can move on. It is kind of uncomfortable on telling each in everyone my dreadful story but it help me go on. I found myself smiling and even laughing about it.

I came to realize how less I value my life compared to those people around me. Sometimes we forget the simple things that matter. I realized how lucky I am to have this kind of family and a bunch of friends who are there in times like this. I forgot the fact that I am not really a materialistic person and I am used to not having anything. My Ate is right that I could still get back those things that were taken away from me but not the love and care which were showered to me by the people I cherished.

This is how I got the awful taste of fear.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Running Away


There are times I found myself sighing. Staring at nothing in particular. Suddenly, I felt tired. I realized I'd been busy with things I thought will make me happy. That I thought its all I ever wanted. But life made a sudden turn.

Life showed me I was with the wrong people and place. Every time I try to fit myself in I feel like I'm hurting myself. As much as I would like to stay. I was just being pushed away. I did all the best that I can do. I gave everything that I have but it seems that it is not enough. I don't want to feel tired. Be called a coward because I chose to give up. But I drown in my tears alone. Tried with my own effort and it led me to nowhere. I have no options left but to leave.

But does leaving will make any difference? Am I not going to be haunted with all of these memories? But this is the part where I should run away now. The happiness I long to keep and fought so hard was now eaten by the pain.

So I will run exhaust every energy that I have by running. I will run just to escape the pain. Hoping that you'll come running after me. I was torn between looking back just to see who is behind and staring ahead to see if I will came upon something.But I know that hope would not change the fact that we have reached the end. Hope would not bring us back together.

I did run and I was alone. I carry the burden of the pain. I rewind every memories that just kept dragging me back to the days I can no longer have. I cry hoping you are crying for me too. I let myself be eaten up by the sadness. Still longing for someone that I know will never be mine. I know I was stupid. You can call me crazy then. But just so you know, I run because it is the only way that can save me from this misery. I am sorry I need to escape. I need t do you a favor. I will love myself because we both know this is something you can never do.

And in running away, I found solace in pain. I was numb by the sadness. The tears I cried refreshed my shattered soul. I was loving myself on the way to the finish line.

*with Tatay Martin=D

Friday, September 23, 2011

Bittersweet


It is like my coffee. Most of my friends find it amazing how I can drink such a bitter coffee. The ones that you buy on vending machines which only has a creamer on it. They say it is too bitter but I find the blend perfect for my coffee. Anyways, that is how a coffee should always taste right? Bitter. You won't say you are drinking coffee unless it is bitter. But my coffee has its own sweetness because of the creamer, only a tinge of it though. So that is my coffee.

It is bittersweet as I may say. My life is like my bittersweet coffee. But I am scared that I see my life as to
o bitter nowadays. It’s not that good to see your life as much bitter than it being sweeter. In a moment I was this hopeful little child. Planning and seeing things my way. Hoping that it will come to life as I wanted it to be. So that's my taste of the sweet part.

Then I put some bitterness in it by myself. As I am giddy of the hoping part, I also get myself ready to the end of being disappointed. It is like being hopeful but not really into it totally. Like it is you who is raining on your own parade. Like ruining your own party. I don't know. It is not that I am scared to get hurt or disappointed its just that as early as I can I conditioned myself that these things I hope for will not happen. I am used to this. I am good at this, dealing with such kind of disappointment and getting nothing. I am a dreamer in all sense and I am also good in escaping in every nightmare. I am used to ghosts, goblins and monsters getting in my fairytale that sometimes it doesn't seem a fairytale anymore.

My coffee is now a black one. The creamer was kept stagnant at the bottom of my cup. I don't have the energy to stir so it would blend with my bitterness. I love my coffee but not really liking it these past few days. But what can my bittersweet coffee do? Bitter, that's what I'd become.

Sometimes the creamer goes to the surface of my coffee, with a little shaking.In an instant as I drink my coffee I got to taste its sweetness. I was surprised. Life suddenly gives me a thrill. It amazes me. As I gave up on tasting its sweetness,there it goes on my last sip.

Well, my life is really surprising in a way. It helps that if you are used to being bitter, the welcoming taste of sweetness always come as fresh thing. You got to savor it up to the very last drop. Maybe life doesn't want me to be bitter at all. My coffee doesn't want me to give up on drinking it. Maybe its scared that I would distaste it forever. I still love being bittersweet. I got to taste the best and the worst of both worlds.

Surprisingly bitter and surprisingly sweet, I guess that is how life is going to be as always. We all just have to deal with it. Life is as bittersweet as my coffee and most of the times is always on the bitter side.

I can say I have bittersweet love affair with life. Expectations and disappointments. Surprises and sweetness. Just pour me another cup and I'll drink it.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I Forget to Remember

I think the most painful thing to feel is the moment of being forgotten. In a snap you no longer exist in someone's world. It is the feeling even the dead ones who no longer walk the earth dread. When someone no longer cares and ignores you totally. Like for some who has been so familiar, you suddenly become a stranger. What if you only had known a world where that person has exist for a long time? When everyday, you go one because that someone was there. But then the world decided to turn the other way. The world you known have suddenly thrown you out of the picture. You become an alien. You are expatriated.

Luckily, as for my life no one has yet to forget me. Maybe someone already did. Maybe I am forgettable. As they always say there are some things that were meant to be forgotten. But for someone who choose to remember everything forgetting would be difficult and it is painful not to be remembered anymore by someone. I see random strangers every day, and I was blessed by the gift to remember faces. I am also good at names. I think I can still recognize a classmate back in kindergarten days when I bumped into them. Isn't that great? But then gain it is not always that great of a situation.

To remember is not always with a person, it would also mean events and the memories you had learn to cherish. It is sad when the moments you had kept will out of sudden be a hazy memory of the past. Fading away in time. Then you become the history, you lose control of the world you walk on. I am frightened when the life I remember I control will abruptly forget me and change everything I have lived for.

So I was really sad, like my heart could not believe it is really happening. My family is telling us to forget all we had and remember a new world. I cannot believe that I was scolding my parents the way they were scolding us back when we were just kids. It is my parents that were being childish and us, their children are being parental. As a family, we had been through a lot more than a normal family can tolerate. To even think of forgetting what we had is too much for me to bear. I cannot do that, but maybe there are times we must (again).

And even if they do choose to forget, I will choose to remember. Even if to remember is not always a blessing. But this is my gift. I will remember even if time chooses to erase me from someone. Or even if someone chooses to forget me. My heart will remember and will endure the pain of the memory of being forgotten.

I have always known that I am boring and forgettable. But I will try to exist; if not for someone's life but in the memory of this life I have. I will be around with time who endures the passing of every memories. If no one will, I would...


Sunday, July 31, 2011

Put Your Faith in Me

Just when do you stop and when do you have to go. How do you know put your faith into something or someone who has left you with nothing but devastation? Just when would be right time to say you’ve had enough. To me losing faith is the most scary thing that could happen to oneself. When the time comes you no longer believe in everything or anything life has to offer you. Its like the time you put yourself on hold or like the time you don't want to feel anymore. I hate the feeling that I can no longer give my best to someone because I have lost my faith on it. I was suddenly tired and everything I do is half-hearted. I know it wasn't supposed to be that way because it wasn't that way before. I was betraying myself when I know I got more to give.

The feeling of pain can be the one main reason one has lost its faith into something. There would be so much hurting and lots of tears t dry the moment you lost the feeling you build to believe in someone. And that moment when you're in pain you get weak and feel so exhausted. You realize how many times and how hard you have tried to cling on to the very thin hope of holding on to something but nothing was returned. It's not that you are waiting for something in return but at least something. But I guess I was used of not receiving anything in return or just a simple gesture is fine.

Anyways, I had this thing on holding on to that little something, when I was close to giving up and something would happen to make me hope far more than before. A little something is all it took to make me turn my back and stay in my faith into someone. So again it is a stupid thing to do but these things are the signs that we hope for because we don't want to give u just yet. Yearning for something that might change everything and that after all it was all worth it in the end.

Then life was unfair, the very sign that you hold on to was nothing in the very beginning. With your best effort and taking those chances was all just a climax of nonsense. In the very edge of your glory you fell in the abyss of hopelessness. In the end, pain and tears were the only ones who were there all along. You were running along out of breathe hoping to reach the finish line which turned out to be a dead-end. And your faith in someone is just a tiny droplet of water which was not enough to quench the thirst of your exhaustion. The light that you see at the end of the tunnel seems to far for you to get into.

So some chose to sulk and be stagnant. What is the use of believing again and taking chances when it would all be put into waste in the end? I know it hurts and I know sometimes I would like to die now than die so many times because of making my faith whole again. But I get to be brave and be strong. I may have lost myself also but I still have a chance to find my way.I was there and all I have to do is get out of it. So what if I was hurt and I am not afraid to be weak and cry either. It makes me a better person. The faith I now hold on to does not need any signs or little things just to make me embrace it. Th true sense of it is just believing and taking the risks. No matter what people say. No matter what life gave you. No matter how painful it is just trust with the faith that somehow, somewhere, someone or something will all make it worthwhile. No regrets just simply putting your faith into it.

And it was just like putting your faith back to yourself...

And someone would put their faith in you...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Coming Back


It is hard for me to leave unless I am pushed away. When everybody is telling me to go I opt to stay. When there are no more reasons left to stay I still find my way to still be there. I try to find the good things in every situation for I don't want to feel regrets in the end. So you see by the the time I finally decided to leave, you already got the best of me. I can say I have exhausted everything.


I did find the good in goodbye. The light in leaving someone. It may take all my strength to get up and leave but I did. I was glad. I was suddenly proud of myself. I finally found the pride they are talking about. The self-worth that you didn't see. It become different though. I was not mad at leaving. I was just sad that it had to be this way. I was sad and clueless. I keep cracking my head on why do we ave to part when we should have just talk about it from the very beginning. But I guess both parties were sacred of the outcome or is it just me. There is something left unsaid and it was just left like that.The world was suddenly quiet and empty without that someone. I was thinking if you do feel the sadness, the emptiness that I feel but I guess you did not. Or maybe at the back of my head, wishing that you did...


With this kind of situation, is there a way f going back and staying the same. I have conditioned my mind that there is no coming back and tat we will totally out of each other's way. But then again, they are right you'll be coming back. Th world is alive again and I think I'm glad that what I expected (for the worst) did not happen. So it is true also that everything wold never be the same, I tried to remain the same but I found myself crying for the moment I can never have again. For the moment that was left undone. We are here. Back as we were before. But something has changed. Totally not the same. Still, it is a good difference.



To understand and accept that there are times that we need to leave so we can come back. To stay so we can learn to wait. And to change so we can understand...




Saturday, July 9, 2011

So I expect

So they say it is stupid to wait for something that is never going to come. It is weak to long for someone you can never have. It is a work of a fool to hang on to someone you cannot expect something in return. Yet, we still do. We wait for it. We expect for it to happen. We long for it. But in the end we get hurt and just earned some disappointments.


Back when I was a kid expectations are just simple. I wait for my Papa to bring some treats when he went home from work. It is not every weekend that he would be home empty handed. My siblings and I grew up to now what we deserve and what we can have in the kind of life we are living. We are not affluent enough to throw tantrums whenever we cannot get what we want or poor enough to drool on things we cannot get. As early as this I learned to expect and to be disappointed in return. Let’s just say I got used to it. I don’t know this may be the part when my friends call me stupid or an idiot. Why do you have to cling on to something when you knew from the very start what it will get you in the very end?


Well, how do you stop when it is all you wanted?


So I once did a silly thing of telling my long hidden love to my cute neighbor (through Friendster). I composed myself not to expect any answer for I know from the very start it’s not going to progress into something I expect to happen. But still, I wait every day. Longing that one day, there would be that twist of fate that he may love secretly too. That just like in the movies, we will end up together but the end is we did not end up together at all. And the reply I have been waiting just set me to tears.


It is painful. It is silly. Stupid or whatever they may call it. I guess that is how the way you expect. It is like hoping that maybe just maybe everything will go your way. That someday it will come to you in the most unexpected way. A surprise or miracle perhaps. And then the disappointments that you fear coming will not be welcome anymore. Then there would be no pain and tears of a shattered hope.


So maybe they can say I am weak or too stupid to be smart in this kind of petty things. But once in a while or most of our lives, we do have that one great expectation. A hope in our heart that we long to see in reality. An assumption that one day we can believe to be truthful enough. And every once in a while we would encounter the pain of a disappointment...


I felt that. It is like my chest is pressed against the wall that I can no longer breathe. It is like my tears would never dry up anymore. It is all I ever wanted. It is the only thing I had put my hopes for. Maybe you can say that I am brave enough to still go on and expect for far better. But I guess, the more disappointment that was left behind a greater expectation can flourish.


So what if I get shattered at least I get to be whole again..


So you may think of me as a fool but behind my great expectations are painful disappointments yet still I bloom to a greater hope and believe in greater expectations...




**para kay 'Tay ^_^

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Lie To Me

So we lie. Everybody does. We need to tell lies sometimes. There is a point that we all have to hide the truth so not to hurt someone, to make everything better or just to make our lives less complicated.

I am gullible. I tend to believe everything that people say to me. So most of the time, I do not know how to distinguish the truth from a lie. A joke from a real feeling. A tell-tale from the reality. I think that is a good thing but my Mama said that is bad for me. People might take advantage of me or just used me because I am so good at believing someone in an instant.

I guess I really do not have an issue when it comes to lying. It is just that we need to lie for as they say that the truth hurts. But You know, even though I am a believer on anything, I know when a person is really lying. I just feel it. The good thing about is I do not confront it. The person who is lying is just eaten up by his guilt because I take the lie truthfully. Most of the time they say I am stupid or just a moron who just believe on whatever people say to me. For that I get hurt, I cry or I tend to feel happy some times.

But the truth about lying is not with the person you are lying to but with yourself. My Papa always said that those people who lie only make a fool of themselves. They think that they are getting their way around on some stupid person because of lying but the hurtful truth is that they only lie to themselves.

So I really don't have an issue on people lying to me or people lying at all. They just want to believe also in certain things that will make their reality feel better. The sad truth is, to achieve that they have to forget honesty. It is good, you can lie to me. I can listen to it as long as I can believe. As long as I can accept and understand it. Just lie to me.

After all I am not scared of being lied to, what will hurt me is not being able to believe again..

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Choice

Sometimes there is a point where you have to choose. I believe that everything we do and we chose defines the life that we live.

I sometimes wonder how different is the life that I live among other people in this world. I was sometimes at awe on how others get to the life they have. How their choices brought them o where they are now. And there are also time, I am saddened by the reaity on how their lives turned out because of what they had chosen.

They say I'm choosy but maybe because I learned to weigh things and see my choices outcome before I finally decide. It may mean that I don't risk it all but not exactly. I think I am lucky with the way I live, because I don't get to choose most of the time. It is because I know what contentment is and just lately learned the joy of accepting.

There are also experiences that affect the choices we made in life. In the end it is how we stick to what we choose or let it shape us to become a much better person for future choices to make.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Acceptance

Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me....

Sometimes I care too much. I care too much in a way that they think i am already interfering with their lives. the more I wanted then to be on the right track and to be away from danger the more they think I am over ruling everything in their lives. But the truth is I care too much when nobody really cares in return.

Sometimes I bother too much on things that don't really matter. But since I wanted to understand and make people understand in return, I always crack my head open on why certain things happen. why do people have to do this and that? Why do we have to complicate things? Why do we have to come and then leave in the process? i bother too much for other people that most of the time I forgot the things that really bothers myself.

Sometimes I believe too much that when the unexpected moment that things weren't the same way anymore, I was left shaken. My world suddenly turned upside down, all the while the things that you have embraced to believe were all lies and were meant to be shattered.

But I have learned these sometimes of mine were becoming a habit, that is too odd to be normal. I remembered one of my friend who told me that he does not trust the nature of a human anymore. I think that was sad. To no longer have faith in human anymore, But maybe he is right all along. Better face the harsh reality of the weakness of human than to go through believing when in the end it will all be nothing.

I guess I don't really have to understand, care or believe in too much but just accept...it is less painful...


Sunday, April 10, 2011

On a Market Day




I can't remember the last time I went with my mother to the market. So I decided o go with Mama this Sunday. It felt like the old days were I hold on to Mama as we roam around the busy market buying all those stuffs we needed. I remembered my wide-eyed awe to the different people working in and out of the market.


I found myself still having that wide-eyed fascination to the people from all walks of life roaming around and busy to make both ends meet. I felt like a little child again. Our city’s market has been transformed into a much likeable and clean place to shop around. I no longer felt icky when walking on the moist and dirty part of the wet section. Everything is in place. My Mama just tugged me along to the different sections of the market. Buying food is a breeze. The meat and fish, vegetables and those dry goods are place in each section of their own.


Anyways, my habit of looking into the faces of different people was exercised on this trip to the market. Let me tell you the scenes I witnessed on a two-hour stay at our market...



Nothing much has change on a busy day at the market. I still saw those kids who were sometimes barefoot selling their plastic bags for Php2.00. "Ate, bili ka ng plastic,oh!" they would shout but sound like almost begging to those people to buy their plastic. I get to buy one from a mother with her daughter in tow who was selling calamansi. They said their thank you to me and even ask me to buy some calamansi...



I found a guy sleeping soundly under a vegetable stall. Despite the sweltering heat and the noise of the people around he found time to take a nap...


As Mama buys some 'bangus" an old man came rushing on my side with his pushcart. On it was what they call a 'banyera' full of fish. Hs skin was burnt by the sun and he has earned some gray hair. He was a bit small for an average man. I saw him struggling as he unloaded the banyeras to the stall near me. I was not able to see his face but I know he is too old with that kind of work...



As the plastic I am carrying gets heavy, Mama told me to just stay put in one place and I'll just wait for her to go back for me. I said no. I found that I am still scared to get lost and not to be with Mama on a busy market day. To think I was already 23 years old and it is not that scary to get lost among the crowd...



I miss doing this. I was thinking of going with Mama again on one of her trip to the market. I get to observed those people from all walks of life and think of what kind of life they are living....


Saturday, April 2, 2011

Cheesy





I may be corny or you can call me cheesy when you’ve read this post. Then no matter what this post will be here.


I got excited on meeting my friend again and this movie was a perfect time to meet up. I was caught up in the movie to think I was in a middle of an emotional dilemma with my best bud. On top of that, I just got out from work with a hungry stomach.


The story has a simple plot but with this kind of love portrayed in the movie, it has always been a fantasy for every single girl like me. Sarah Geronimo’s character as Roann Sanchez was totally relatable. She was the No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth girl who has all the love and support of her family. With her wisdom that “True Love Waits”, it was unexpected to met someone like Eric Rodriguez played by Gerald Anderson. The only son of the President of the Republic of the Philippines, who studied in the States and knew nothing but the good times.


Roann showed Eric the real world far from the life he had learned to live. It has nothing to do with girls, bar hopping and drinking with his buddies at all which were the things he knew how to do.


An unlikely meeting, brought the opposite persons together. Roann work as an NGO worker and she was surprised that Eric was their guest in the event instead of his mother. It was an embarassing moment when she accidentally bumped her face on the door to welcome him with the bouquet of flowers.


Eric suddenly found himself lost in Roann's ordinary world. The President, his father assigned him in an immersion with Roann in a remote province sponsored by the foundation. As they argue and irritate each other they were not expecting that love will come their way.


Eric found himself falling for the girl way out of his league. Roann in return surprisingly found the love she had been waiting to a guy way out of her reach. They tried to hide it but the sparks cannot be denied. Their realationship has some flaws with Eric's high-profiled life and Roann's insecurities. But their love triumphed amidst the obstacles.


Their scenes gave me the "kilig" I've never felt in a long time in romance movies. I was not expecting the chemistry they have ignited in the screen. It is not the typical romance movies wherein they put kissing and intimate scenes to capture the audience. Just the goo-gooe eyed with each other and their holding hands were enought to send butterflies in my stomach.



Fall in love and get caught in their love bug..<3