Wednesday, March 31, 2010

What About Love- LEMAR

What if I took my

time to love you?

What if I put no one above you?

What if I did the things

That really mattered?

What if I ran through

Hoops of disaster?

No one would care if

We never made it

We're in this alone

So why don't we face it

There is no room to

Blame one another

We just need time to

Forgive each other


What about love?

What about feeling?

What about all the

things that make life

worth living?

What about faith?

What about trust?

And tell me

baby...what about

How can I give this

Love a new beginning?

How can I stop the rain?

It's never ending

How do I keep my soul believing?

Memories of how we

Should be keep calling


I'll take the rivers rise

I'll take the happy times

I'll take the

moments of disaster

Friday, March 26, 2010

Wandering thoughts..Random tears...

I cried today. I think these weird days I always get to shed a tear about just anything else. I feel so exhausted nowadays and I felt like I need to cry it out.

I am fighting to believe that I am doing fine. Convincing myself that I am going to be fine with all the uncertainties. So much things are coming to me that I do not know anymore how one is connected to the other


At the start of the year, I really do not know what will become of me in 2010. Then come my 22nd birthday came the biggest blow in my life. The pain of separation. I do not know whether to hold on or gradually loose myself from people and things I have learned to love and kept a big part of me.

Some great things are happening with someone but I am here being stagnant. I am not moving on or not moving at all.

I am going nowhere when everyone are going somewhere.

There are moments in your life that you get the feeling of doing the same thing over and over again. Then adding up to that is realizing that this is not what you want to be doing over and over again.

The hell of life.

Haiz, I think I am repeating myself here. My thoughts are going on a different level but all of it have the same meaning.

When you get to see persons who are the doing the same things as you are and knowing you can do more that them and yet they are the once who went far and you left stuck in Nowhere Land.

It is of great feeling that someone still believes in you when you can no longer find the reason to believe in yourself. Put their whole faith in you when it's obvious that you are not worth saving for.

I am as random as the falling of my tears.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Certified 'Uto-Uto'

I love taking care of other people. That is my innate characteristic. It always felt good on being there for someone and knowing that you make them happy. I love the feeling that when nobody else cannot do it for them you are the one who is sticking up with them. Even if it means that you left something or somebody just to be with them.

I am like this because I grew up in a family where my parents are always there for me. During my school years, I am always fetch up at school. I always have breakfast ready before going to school. My things are always clean up and ready. I feel so lucky even though we're not that rich, I am wealthy with love and affection. Though our family is not that vocal on saying "i love yous", we get to feel it in every way we are taken care of.

Maybe that is the reason why, I grew up taking care of everyone. As young as eleven years old, I get to baby sit our neighbor's kid. I love taking care of kids. They are the most truthful person in the world. They can cry and laugh with you. You play with them and they feel good already, they have the simplest and most innocent meaning of happiness. I grew up in a neighborhood wherein almost all the kids were taken care by me and my eldest sister.

As I grew older, I still love taking care of kids but then I get to take care of people of my age. My circle of friends. I observed that they look up to me as mother-like. Hahaha..=D. I always volunteer to be the one doing this and that. Though knowing that they can do it more than me. I am the leader who does not give much to my members. I am the leader and follower in one. Again I take care of everything else. It felt good anyways, knowing that your hard work paved the way and everyone in your crowd gets the credit also. Sometimes they get the credit not you but you know in yourself that you are part of it.

Here comes the part, that my mother made me realize that I am a
'certified uto-uto'.

It was an incident back in grade school that one of my classmates wanted me to accompany her to the jeep stop so she can go home. When I said no, she took my umbrella so I can follow her. I still did not follow her. When I told my Mama about it, she scolded me on being such a weak person. The next day she accompanied me to school and scolded my classmate. I got back mu umbrella then. My Mom always back me up.

Can I call myself gullible? Or how do you say 'uto-uto' in English? Sometimes I also call myself 'kaladkarin'. My friends get to dragged me anywhere and anytime with them.

In high school, I was a constant company of all my girl classmates to the washroom. When someone declines to accompany someone to go somewhere I'm gonna be the next option. Most of the time the first option. This continued up to college.

I cannot say "no" to them (27 Dresses mode). Or I just don't want to say no because I might disappoint them and they will say something bad about me.

This would be my problem. I cannot say 'NO'. A big, hell of a 'NO' so they can see that I also need someone to be there for me.

The bad thing of not being able to say 'NO' is knowing that no one can say 'YES' to you.

It felt good to be needed though less appreciated but it's painful that you cannot need them.

Nevertheless, I still wanted to be a certified uto-uto or kaladkarin.

Because of this I could expect a crowd of people crying during my funeral...


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Huling Gabi ng Tipahang may Letra…Numero..Bantas

Maririnig ang banayad ngunit mabilis na pagtipa sa isang makinilya.Minsang hindi maririnig ang tunog ng pagtipa marahil dala ng kalumaan kaya nagkakaroon ng aberya.

Muli na naming maririnig ang pagtipa ng makinilya. Pero sa pagkakataong ito medyomabagail dahil naisipan ng nagtitipa na magsindi ng sigarilyo para naman hindi siya antukin. Nangingiti siya habang nagtitipa. Naisip niya ganito na talaga ang buhay manunulat kundi lumalamig na kape ang karamay, e, nauupos na sigarilyo na mumurahin.

Biglang nagbalik siya sa realidad. Bukas nap ala ang deadline ng titnitipa niyang artikulo. Parati na rin siyang ginagabi at pinag-iisipan kung matatapos niya ito.

Balik na naman ang isa niyang kulubot at mabutonang kamay sa pagtitipa habang abala ang kanyang bibig sa paghititsa paubos nang sigarilyo. Maya-maya pa ay tapos na ang kanyang artikulo. Kasabay ng huling hitit sa kanyang sigarilyo.

Tumingin siya sa kanyang relo sa kaliwang braso. Alas-diyes eksakto na at may isang oras na rin niyang tinitipa ang kanyang makinilya.

Naisip niya may kompyuter na ngayon pero bakit pinagtitiyagaan niya ang luma at palpak na makinilya. Pero karugtong na marahil ng manunulat na matamda na gaya niya ang lumang tipahan na iyon.

Marahan niyang nilagay sa ibabaw ng mesa ang tapos na niyang artikulo na may pamagat na,” Pamamaalam ng Manunulat sa Makinilya.”

Nilalandas na niya ang hagdanan pababa mula sa silid na iyon. Babalik siya doon sa silid para tuluyan ng magpaalam.

Iniisip niya,na baka hinihintay na lamang ng tipahang iyon na may labi ng mga upos ng sigarilyo o patak ng kape na mailgay siya sa bodega o kaya ay ibenta sa junk shop.

Talagang paalam na para sa manunulat at sa tipahang may letra,numero at bantas.

Monday, March 15, 2010


There’s something wrong with me and I could tell. I think I had enough of life and i decided that God would take over. I couldn’t understand anymore how to get on with each day with the way I am . It seems that when I do good or bad its just the same outcome..

I know no one’s perfect but the thing is I don’t know if I’m even have the worthy right to be here. I feel so useless and helpless. Every time I try to reach out I feel no one would want to get a hold of me. I couldn’t get through them. O couldn’t ease their pain and sufferings. When it comes tome, they were always there helping me all throughout. God knows I really appreciate them for being with me whenever I need them. But then I don’t think I even worth their attention and affection. I felt like I couldn’t do anything to ease their pain. I was just there watching them in pain and suffer. It’s like my karma; instead of me being punished the people i loved were the ones to suffer. And it really pains me a lot, knowing I was the one bringing the pains to them.I don’t even deserve the love they have for me and even God’s love. I’m too rotten inside. So rotten inside. There’s too much pain and I couldn’t bear to share it with them. For I myself don’t know how I carried all these pain I have. The one who would read this blog (i doubt about it...) may find this leading to nowhere or a nonsense blog. But aside from my diary it’s my outlet right now.

I feel like I have a great mind because I’m talking about pain and death. I’m well-organized because I’m dealing about death everyday. This may sound crazy or morbid, but everyday I was just puzzled why I am still alive when I deserve to die already. I thought I had found my purpose but then I wasted it all and got lost again in this crazy life. It’s not even worth God’s time to save a filthy soul like me.

I feel rotten. I am not really nice. In fact, I’m too wicked to be nice. Everyone wears a mask and I had lots of it. If ever there’s one person (doubt about this again...) that would accept me I don’t think I was even worth him. I’ll just waste his precious time. I can’t bear the thought that another person would suffer for me. Even God had enough but still He never tires…but I’m too tired already. I’m too exhausted to this journey of life leading to nowhere.

I’m standing on crossroads. In one moment, life seems so amazing then the next day I ruined it all and I saw it as a trash waiting to get burned. I lost every million chance God had given me. I’m totally lost. I wonder if there would be someday again, I even doubt that now would be here..

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Breaking The Habit

How can you let go of someone or anything that gives you that extraordinary feeling that no one can ever made you feel? It started just a mere curiosity until it slowly become a habit that without you knowing that it had ruined and devastated your entire soul and self.. A bad habit that is =needed to be break and forget but you find it hard to let go for its the only thing that gives you satisfaction..

Its like love and lust. When you fall in love, you only see what your eyes want to see, hear what your ears want to hear, your heart tells you what to feel, think what your mind wants you to think, among others. You tend to forget the more wonderful things that love has to offer for you caged yourself in a world of selfish love. When you feel the heat of passion and lust that comes along with it, you feel the high and ecstasy you’ve never felt before. That in the end, you didn’t know will leave you empty and shattered. You thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world but sometimes, in the end you’ll realize not all beautiful things bring beautiful consequences. Sometimes you’ll found yourself all alone shattered and disdained in life you thought would always make you on top but then it wasn’t supposed to be that way.

In this life of uncertainty and wickedness, I realized that if you don’t have that enormous faith in God your evil habit would make your soul slowly submerging in the quicksand of hell. Drenching your soul and taking advantage of your weaknesses. Unfortunately and what a pity of me! I haven’t got that great faith in God . Well, I do have faith in God but there’s some fluctuation when my faith was put to test, like breaking this habit of mine. A habit is like a thing. You were like, doing everything just to have that thing but everyday God will make you realize that its not meant to be. But the hard-headed me still was eager to get a hold of it that I believe was meant for me though its not.

Without further beating around the bush, my habit has to be break as soon as possible or else I’ll totally lose myself and someday God will no more hear and heal me. I’ve been too bad and brazen-faced. I learned to realize that a habit was really going to be a bad habit if you became less of your real self and forget those people around you that had shown you a lot of love and concern. You have wasted their existence and efforts, most especially of God.

I knew it’s really time for me to break this habit. I have to do this so God would not be so sad and hurt because of me. I’ve been petrified all this time but I haven’t got that faith to make me hold on and be strong but then I must find it now.

Icy Flair

My first again... My feet already landed on the shiny, slippery ice skating rink of MOA . I have always love to go ice skating and after some years I hit the ice at last..

I do not look like I'm having a hard time to stand still on ice..hehehe

The snow on ice..With my shobe, Tophet. It is just bubbles. Leaves you a sticky feeling.=D

Thus, the winning pose of an amateur. I did get to circle the rink as I grope on the railings. Success for me.

Can't wait for the next time.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

My Ever First E.K Moment

My setting foot at Enchanted Kingdom...

Unfortunately, just when I turned 22 it is my first time to land at Enchanted Kingdom..

At Grand Central Station...

Taking time to breathe and refresh...

The wind in my hair...

Thanks to 'shobe' hehehehe

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Breaking Free

How do people get to judge other people just like that? When people get to see me for the first time, they would immediately stereotyped me as a typical girl; shy and timid. They won’t even believe that I can be outspoken, be creative, can sing and dance sometimes or do what others can do also. And because of that I learned to be always quiet, always alone, just an ordinary girl and nothing more special to catch attention with.

Life is not certain as they say. They say you only get to pass on this street called life only once so better make the most out of it. Take a risk! Make a change! Breakaway! Break free!!!

There are things in life that make you go out of your way or sometimes lose ourselves. Sometimes when you’re afraid you might have never get another chance again. You must risk it all just not to waste the chance you have right now. That sometimes will make yourself see the different you. Far from whom you are before.

Like me, I was always the shy and quiet one, poker-faced! That most the times I was taken for granted or wasn’t recognized like the most people around me. I was like that before because I was afraid that if I speak out no one would listen or I just get myself embarrassed, I wanted to sing but I was afraid that they would laugh at me, I wanted to dance but I was afraid that they would teased me. That’s why during those days I was like a rose that sprouted from the brick wall; unique but no one would ever get to notice it. Like I was..

It’s hard when you achieve something or get a praise from your teacher, your own friends won’t believe you ( some of them back in elementary and high school days..), they didn’t think I deserved it like my teacher thought I really did. In those days I was a mermaid afraid to go out of my shell. I become too weak and scared to see if the grass was really greener on the other side. But I knew what I believe or did before was very wrong.

It is only me who knew the real me. If they could sing, dance or just do anything, so am I. There’s no harm in trying. Why should I fear what other people say about me? They don’t know me! They are not me! It is only I who can fulfill my destiny and face my fate. If I can walk on water, I can! If I can fly, I can! If I can touch the clouds, I can! Then sometimes there were just those people that would make you feel nothing, that you are a no one. But then I san turn myself into nobody into a SOMEBODY!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Prince Charming

Have you seen my prince Charming? If you happen to see him please do inform me! I’ve been waiting for him every minute of my life inside my castle. Perhaps, should I wait or find him myself?

I do believe that my life is a fairytale, not a soap opera. That I always do have difficulties and struggles in life that I overcome like a bold and gallant knight slaying a dragon, that i always have wishes that came true like Aladdin and his genie, that magic do happens in my life through GOD like fairies and genies granted wishes to princesses, that I will have that someone to spend my life like a princess finding an ever after with her Prince Charming. Maybe the last one would be too hard..

It’s hard to deal with a life like mine, where every girl seems to have their own prince charming, or I’m just over reacting on dealing a hard life about it. Back on high school before graduation my girl classmates (some of them) seems desperate to find a boyfriend before graduating. Then I don’t think that bothers me at all. you might think I’m a tomboy (hell, no! never in my life!!!) or I’m just weird but that idea just didn’t slip into my mind yet because I’m a year younger than them. So the princesses were in desperate search for their Prince Charming and some ended up in a frog prince or not an ever after story. Lucky Me!!! Let me borrow a quote my dear friend gave to me..

"It’s better for a girl to sleep a hundred years and be kissed and awaken by the right prince than to stay awake and be kissed a hundred times by a wrong (frog???) Prince...”

Now I’m off to college, it’s a whole new kingdom. So far away from the kingdom of high school. Everyone seems to have a relationship and I suddenly felt some frustration about myself on having a boyfriend soon or not having a boyfriend since Birth.

There are no fairies, fairy godmothers or genies that would make my wish come true to find my prince charming. This is my real world but it still does reflect a fairytale heroine. Only GOD knows the time of my ever after. Somehow, somewhere my Prince Charming would come.

They say the more you find true love the more it escapes you and you must learn the virtue of waiting. Then what if you wait and wait in your castle but no Prince Charming came to your rescue??

Well maybe, my Prince Charming was just lost in an enchanted forest, or still slaying a fire- breathing dragon, in a battle to defend his kingdom or solving witch’s riddles. I do practice the virtue of waiting anyway.

It’s never too late for a love that is true. I know that true love is worth the wait and my Prince Charming would one day swept me off my feet and ride me off to his white horse to his castle with a promise of a happily ever

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A Poet with a Melody

His melody flows like the blood on his veins. Having leukemia would not stop this Master Rapper on sharing his gift through his rhythm of life and the message of his melody. He is Francis Magalona. He had just shocked the music world as he was diagnosed with leukemia but all prayers were answered as he finally came out of the hospital. Watching him on TV being greeted by his family and friends on his birthday was a great start. He may look a bit emaciated but he is still the great Master Rapper we all knew.

I love rap music, the way I love someone who can rap...A
nyways, its just sad to see that the proliferation of rap and hip hop music in our country is looking like a day hit. Before we knew it, the next day that rap song we hear on the radio is already gone by the wind. It already fades away in the air waves as it is in our musical memory. Looking at these scenarios, it seems like rap music in the Philippines is just passing us by. Maybe Filipinos are too conservative to welcome this kind of music. But then, why do they like Eminem, 50 Cent, Kanye West, etc? Here comes the attitude of being nationalistic.

I love the way how words fused with the rhymes of phrases and the rhythmic beat of the melody can convey the angst of someone, the pain of love, being free, love of life and many more. Filipinos are really lovers of music and they can all beat foreign ones in all music genres.

As Francis Magalona, as well as Andrew E. were the gift of Filipinos to Rap world, it will continue to beat for those aspiring rappers and hip hoppers.

RAP is yet to conquer the
airwaves and it would be there to stay for good with the Filipinos rapping and the Filipino listeners loving it. RAP is a poem with a rhythm, with its poet that has a melody.

Yeah! Turn the beat, YO! PEACE OUT!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Behind this mask

Who am I? I’m no superhero. I’m no supermodel. I’m no superstar..

I am me. I’m just a girl. I cry when I’m mad. I get unpredictable. I laugh when I’m glad. I’m sad about everything. Sometimes too impossible. Then you have no choice but to deal with it. It’s not a big thing? Just get used to it!


You laughed even though you are hurting inside, you smile even though you wanted to frown, you are strong eventhough you’re already too weak to stand up, you’re brave eventhough you are already too scared, you calm down eventhough you are already furious and bursting inside. You learn to fake things so people would never say nor think wrong or bad of you.

You learn to keep everything inside, let the world see the other side of you and let yourself see the best keep hidden secrets of you. Come to think of it, it’s really necessary for us girls to do that..!!!

The bitter truth is that people see us women as the weaker part of this society, so you must learn not to let them see your weaknesses. We must know how to seek our own worthy place in this cruel society as a woman who knows how to fight for her right and to stand up for her principles in life! Not a woman they see as a weakling, a display or anything less they could think about us...

I still consider myself as a girl, not a lady nor a woman. Still, I know how to stand up in this big world…!!!

I still cry, I still get mad, laugh and smile on just simple things in life..

There’s nothing wrong to be weak sometimes, nothing wrong also on hiding it…You can’t help but to do so because people might just step on you or crush you..

There are always two sides of the story, two sides of a coin, and two sides of a boxing ring. I AM TWO-FACED!!!

Behind this mask is a girl. When you punched me I bleed. Maybe not your kind of girl. But I’m no ordinary girl. If you know how to fight I also know how. I don’t care of what you expect of me as long as I am me…You can’t change me…

When you moved out (07.06.2006)

No this is not Mars attack, or MIB, and most likely I am not an alien by the way this title of my blog goes…I am a true blue inhabitant of this dear planet earth of ours. Let’s get down and serious now...

Have you ever wondered what is it like on moving out the neighborhood you had stayed for almost all your life?(childish question isn’t it?) Some of you may answer yes and some no. Let me tell you how I feel...

It’s like erasing all the memories of everything, having amnesia perhaps, like jumping off the steepest hill and you could never see the top of it when you already fell down from it. its like leaving everything behind, burning all of your precious memories, its like riding in a spaceship and going to another planet..

I’d been here around this neighborhood since I barely even know how to remember memories and we would just moved out because the truth that we are poor in short no money.., that does really make this world go round. I wish that money wasn’t invented at all. Then maybe if I had money we would never move out here. Its here where I learned about the cruel things in life, got my 1st love, experienced 2nd heartache, my ever 1st period, my 18th birthday without the debut party, got our house floor flooded because of heavy rain, graduate High school and entered college life.. It is here where the world started to unfold before my very eyes. Its really hard to let go you know..

Then maybe I was just afraid to step outside the world miles apart from the place i have learned to accept to know my life. . Maybe letting go is all about taking all the courage in and battle out the fear of leaving something behind. Letting go is just going outside or taking a look behind closed doors. And behind that closed doors was your fate waiting to be discovered and be conquered by myself..

I was always afraid of certain things, well, we really are afraid sometimes, and what i am afraid of was taking and facing the world outside mine. To see if the grass is really greener on the other side...

To take one little step of your leap of fate requires really a leap of faith. It’s like trusting yourself, having the faith in everything you decided to conquer...

Guess there’s nothing bad on moving out the neighborhood...*-*