Sunday, June 27, 2010

Someday

Do I love from behind? Am I scared of falling in love? All I know is I am not. For even though, I know that it may lead me to Heartbreak Boulevard I still walk along the path of love.


I was never scared though I take the pain alone; I was not frightened to love. My friend told me I was loving again from behind. He said I was hurting myself again. I laughed sarcastically and said I am a masochist. Suddenly, I was teary-eyed....


If all the guys whom I loved from behind only knew, they would know how lucky they are to feel my love. Still, nobody cares and most of the time they choose to ignore it. I guess I always fell for the wrong person or for the wrong moment of time. I never regret it anyway.This is the love I chose to have and this is the pain I chose to endure. It is just that it is only I that I who feels everything and anything. I think there is nothing wrong with that. When you knew you from the start it will lead you nowhere, you choose to love from behind. Silently but full of actions. I just make them feel me no matter how they chose to ignore it. I think I am used to that. Maybe that is why I do not picture myself on dreaming of walking down the aisle.


Like when my Papa told me that someday when I met a guy, he should be worth it, and I just went, "I am not going to marry, I'm just going to get myself pregnant and have a baby on my own". Papa blurted, "Gago!". I think every father wants their daughter to be happy with a man someday like how they made their daughters happy. My Papa just wanted to see me happy in a way. But right now, I am happy that I have two men in my life who would never hurt me; my Papa and Dodick.


My friend told me to stop loving from behind because I am hurting myself. I told him that was easy of him to say because I am not like him. Like him, who has never felt rejection before. I think everyone loves him. Easy for him to say, because no one would say no to him . I only wish I can be like him. I have earned the courage before of telling someone I loved but only earn rejection but still that never gave me a stop to love and feel love.


It is never right to surrender your faith in love just because you are scared or you are hurt. It is never right to feel exhaustion in love though it gives you the bleakest of hope, you should have faith in someday. You will never know that somewhere, somehow along the way someday may bring your someone...Your somebody to love...

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Beautiful

When the people you know suddenly sees you in a way they don't expect you to be. Two things: it is either the like it or loathe it.

I had a recent 'tampo' on my friends about the picture I posted on my FB profile. My friend who photographed me was so proud of that picture. He said I must always dress and looked that way. He was so elated about the comments my picture earned from my friends and random people. Then there was a comment about the editing of the picture. I don't understand it at first but anyways it is about the technical. Then I got a chat message from another friend that my picture is obviously edited and then she goes that my it was not me at all. That my head was just put on that body. I got offended. Then my friend who took the picture left a comment that he did not edit much of it but just the background. There is another comment of apology from the friend who said that wasn't my body. Another comment again that was a reply from my friend's comment who got offended. It was already pissing me off. It was not a big deal to me at all about their comment on the editing but the fact that it was already going to be a big issue annoyed me. I decided to delete the picture, to stop whatever misunderstandings that might erupt.

I admit I was hurt a bit. It was just a picture. I felt that they just don't like it. Is it a big deal that it was edited? Most of the pictures nowadays were edited? I told this sentiment to my other friends, and they said that they can just say they like it or not. I was never used earning praises and people telling that I am beautiful. This picture boost my fading in and fading out self-esteem. But with those comments, I felt that my other friends don't like the changes I am going through. I am still me no matter what. I was thinking that with that picture they think I am not the same old me they used to know. I am me. I was just trying to be better for myself. It is seldom anyway that I try new things to better myself. I am hurt by the feelings those comments gave me. It is not that I am too over-reacting about the editing issue it is about the fact that they don't want to embrace the changes I am going through. It is like it is not so me to be like that. It is like I am not worthy to change.

I n the end, they felt I was really hurt and they did apologize. I am happy again.
Still, am I beautiful? Like it or loathe it?

Saturday, June 19, 2010

STAY

Why do we have to part ways and say the word goodbye? Why is there a need to let go, when it's all you ever wanted?

I am scared to say goodbye and let go but when it is the right thing to do that pains me a lot. There are a lot of situation wherein you have to let go and leave for good. It is not about relationship only; it is in all aspects of life.

As young as we are, we learn to say goodbye to the shallowest reason of it. And as we grew older we get to taste the bitterness and the deepest mark it bestowed upon us.

I learned to let go of petty material things that were already broken and can no longer be apart of me as I grow old. But it is hard for me, if I took so much care of that thing and something will happen to keep me apart from it. I get too attached, that’s it.

Maybe, that is my fault on the word goodbye. It is hard because I attached myself too much. It’s like never giving up and clinging on to it until time makes you feel that it’s time to go. It is so difficult, that you gave your all just to stay but in the end you will have to let go. People get tired also and there is always a need to move on. It is just so sad that when you go nobody cares. When goodbye is there, nobody dares to follow. They think you are a coward on giving up. They just don’t know that to stay together is a compromise. Just like the things you have taken care of, you should also take care of the people that life gave you.

Goodbye and letting go is painful, it is just that somehow, somewhere you just have to learn to see yourself again that you lost. I don’t think it is a coward thing to let go, it is the bravest thing to do.

It is the will to stay, when you say goodbye…

Thursday, June 17, 2010

PROUST

These are my answers to the PROUST Questionnaire

Your Favorite virtue:Patience
your favorite qualities in a man:
Honest,sweet,responsible,GOD-fearing
your favorite qualities in a woman:
simple and caring
Your chief characteristic:nice

What you appreciate the most in your friends:
thoughtful
Your main fault:
having no pride at all
Your favorite occupation:
photographer
Your idea of happiness:
being with one who loves you the most
Your idea of misery:
being left behind
If not yourself, who would you be:
I would be a nun
Where would you like to live:
in PARIS
Your favorite colour and flower: blue, tulips
Your favorite prose authors:
Sidney Sheldon, John Grisham, Dan Brown, Ken Follett
Your favorite poets:
Pablo Neruda, Brownings
Your favorite heroes in Fiction:
Spiderman
Your favorite heroines in Fiction:
Elektra
What characters in history do you most dislike?:
warlords
Your heroines in world history:
Joan of Arc
Your favorite food and drink:
anything with potatoes; iced tea
Your favorite names:
Sophie, Andrew
What I hate the most:
people taking me for granted but still I was always there for them
World history characters I hate the most:
Adolf Hitler
What is your present state of mind:
confused???
For what fault have you most toleration:
ignorance in a tolerable way
Your favorite motto:
trust in the LORD with all your Heart


What historical figure do you most identify with?:
Mother Teresa???
Which living person do you most admire?:
My Father
What is the trait do you most deplore in others:
conceited
What is your greatest extravagance?:
my shoes
On what occasion do you lie?:
if the situation needs it, I seldom lie
What do you dislike most about your appearance?:
nothing..
When and where were you happiest?: with a sweet and simple action done in the most unexpected way
If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?:
none, I am me
If you could change one thing about your family what would it be?:
I love them
What do you consider your greatest achievement?: having a job and helping my family
If you died and came back as a person or thing what do you think it would be?:
a dolphin
What is your most treasured possession?:books
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?:
being alone without someone loving you
Howe would you like to die?:
as early as possible..+_+

Sunday, June 13, 2010

EXTRAORDINAIRE

I do not think this is me, hehehe..

I always dreamed of becoming a model..=D

Saturday, June 12, 2010

SOLDIER

I rode the bicycle with him to school when I was young..

I even saw him on the flag raising ceremony when he was a soldier before..

He would tap my butt (my siblings call it “pikpik) softly so I could go to sleep soundly…

Who he is…

He is Mr. Benjamin Mauleon, who else but my father..

My cousins once told me that I was a papa’s girl and I was…really

I was really close to my father I couldn’t remember any moment in my life he even laid a hand on me..

Though I always been so bad..

It even came to a point that I was ashamed of him being my father but that was really the most evil thing a daughter could do to her father..

He would do anything and everything so I could be alright..

He would always calm me down whenever i broke down in tears..

He would always keep me confident and fill my coward heart brave words that will make me strong..

He would be sometimes corny but his jokes would always make me smile no matter what..

He was my soldier..

My clown..

My driver…

My mentor…

My confidence..

I would always be thankful to GOD for giving me such a great father like him

Some day when I get married I will find a man like him…

I only wish that I could give him anything he wanted in life..

And that he will never work for us anymore..

I want to serve him and my mother until they leave me

Thursday, June 10, 2010

LOST

When I was a kid, I am always petrified on the thought of being lost.....

I was on my way home today from raiding the tiangge at Tiendesitas when a dowdy looking boy rode the jeep that I was on. I thought he was one of those usual kids who rode on jeeps and give out envelopes with note written by them about asking some help. He is not. I was surprised when he paid for his fare but he did not say where he would get off. As the jeep rode along, he asked the lady beside me on how he can get to Cubao. The lady gave him directions which is far and I know the way that is shorter but I did not say anything. The gay who was beside the boy gave him Php20 for his fare. As the jeep rode along, the boy kept asking directions and the place we passed by. I was thinking of giving my half-empty bottled Nestea but again I did not.

I know in my heart the kid is lost. I always dreaded to be in the situation the boy was in that moment when I was a kid. Whenever our family goes out to have our usual weekend getaways, I was always clinging on to my father's polo or my mother's skirt. I was a believer of those creeepy stories when a child gets lost. Some bad people will stash them away and eat them, or sell them to other people to be slaves, beg on the streets or sell their internal organs.

The moment I was looking at the boy, I can see in his eyes that he was scared but he kept his stance just like a big boy amidst the cruel city. Then he asked where are we. The woman answered him and asked where does he live? He answered in Pasig, but where? He said, "Matatandaan ko naman po 'yon." He always say he would go to Cubao. I got off never knowing where the boy was really going to?

Whoever, his parents are, weren't they bothered that their son is out in the streets and was sacred on finding his way back home? I am glad I have parents who never let their eagle eyes on their children when they go out and just let them pull their polo or their skirt...

Sunday, June 6, 2010

ECHO

One day,I will be sick and tired of my life. I fear that one day coming to me.

Here I am again having the same old sentiments and complaints. I was always there but no ones there for me. Everyday, I'm being the girl who was always there when someone needs me. I'll cross the ocean, get through the obstacles just to be on the rescue to someone who needs me.

I wish I had the courage to be selfish and think more of myself and be bad. I'm always nice, gullible and stupid. I feel so bad when people are already taking advantage of it and I still ignoring it even if I am fully aware of it.

My life is in random again. I do this for other people. I do that for them. But nobody hears me out. My voice just rings in and out in the four corners of my world.

I am merely just an echo that nobody wants to listen to. When they even listen, they do not really comprehend. That I need someone to be there for me too. It is too childish to feel exhausted to be there with other people. But there is the street on the road I traveled that I am thinking I had enough of the kindness thing. I wanna be evil and do bad things.

Yet still I can't be bad. Even just being lying is such a big thing for me. I cannot stand the thought of people hating me and having an enemy. I do not have pride at all when someone is mad at me. Even if its their fault, I talk to them and give up the fight first. My friend said that is too bad for me. People will really take advantage of me.

So what am I going to do?

Even though I am the kindest person in the world...I am just like an echo..I come and I go..