I remembered everything. Nothing was erased. It was kept in me. It set met free. It made me weak. It got me stronger. It made me brave. It helped me carry on.
I remembered the time when I cried like a child in the middle of the night, that I could hardly breathe. I remembered waking up everyday fighting a losing battle. I was forcing my heart, squeezing every beat but it was already struggling to survive. I remembered dragging my feet to walk away from someone, making every heavy step until I can finally ran free. I never knew that I could endure that much of a pain again, and almost drying my tear ducts again. I remembered telling myself to be bitter and take all the hurt inside until my whole body felt numb.
Finally, I remembered seeing myself triumphant on overcoming that period in my life. I remembered it is not myself to be mad and held on to some grudge over the pain that will eventually subside. I remembered that forgetting is for the coward. I was able to see each day because I was able to reminisce on the old days. I was able to stand again and learn that in every pain I have dealt with, I was braver to gave it all again.
I remembered meeting new friends, real persons that I was able to speak out my mind and reflect my true feelings. I got to enjoy the long talks and silly laughs over cups of coffee. I remembered that if it is meant to be, time will lead you to the special ppeople that you are meant to share those endless laughs, bitter tears and silly antics. I remembered getting away for awhile with my precious friends and enjoy the spontaneity of life. Being able to escape and just embrace the moment I was facing. I was so happy being able to ran away somewhere else and just let loose. I forgot the uptight side of me. I got to be with different people and remembered the moment how amazed and overwhelmed I was by the feeling of being a trusted and cherished friend. I was so grateful on encountering a variety of people and still got to keep those who kept me real and grounded.
I remembered the long walks at night, the throwing of silly punchlines, the warmth of holding hands and tight hugs, and the sweet kisses. I remembered hearing out and listening through my heart. I remembered to stay as I am no matter how cruel the world gets and no matted how difficult it would be. I always knew that kindness goes a long way, that being sensitive helps broken heart and heal a weakened soul.
I will always remember even if time erases and memories gone. As people come and go, as I was left alone, I will always remember by my heart.
Monday, January 9, 2012
I started to wonder, when I leave, does anybody even look back at me? Do they even think of looking back just to see who is looking as they leave?
I was always the one looking back, even though they say that is bad luck. I think that was a voluntary move of me when someone walks away or leave. Maybe because when I look back I would find that there would be someone also looking back at me. But the thing is that when I look back there is no one looking back at me. They were already gone. Far away. I was just there standing still waiting for them to look back at me. Oftentimes, I just saw myself like that.
I am going to be always looking back; looking back to the people, to the places and to the times that had gone by. It is true what they say that when you know how to look back you always know who you really are. You will find what you are meant to be. I learned that as I look back this year of 2011, I even realized that it is not only how other people see you but how you see yourself when you are with them. I was conscious most of the time on how people perceived me to be. I was most of the time paranoid. What if what I was saying does not make sense to them? What if I was already hurting them or saying something offensive?
But eventually I learn to see my reflection on other people's eyes. How do I see me as I go along with them? I get to observe myself if I was really being true to the people around me. And there I saw my reflection . I saw how I struggle to fit it and be true to myself. One friend observed how I was not afraid to speak out my mind at all. Sometimes I think I became a mean person or I was being so blunt most of the times now. But in the end I was just being true. I was braver this time on speaking my mind when before I was always the quiet and timid one.
I finally found the right people and environment that I can reflect my true self. I was able to look back and see those persons also looking back at me. I was able to see a clear reflection of myself from someone I was able to trust. Though sometimes it is the wrong place, it really doesn't matter as long as I am seeing the right reflection on the right people.