close to dying

Crazy day... and to think I was supposed to die today.

Simple things are happening that had made a great impact as days come and go. (Thanks to a new friend) I get to fulfill my promise to myself to blog everyday and get to typed down my random thoughts.

I woke so early for our class hours was moved to an earlier time. So sleepy and the topic we are discussing is so much on the techie side. I am a scaredy-cat when it comes to trying new programs and things which are technical. Everything was different today. Breaks were only for ten minutes that we do not have time to chit-chat. The question for the buzzer before we begin the class was not what I expected. i thought my trainer is going to ask about a favorite book. I am so much ready for that.

Fast forward to going home. Lovely,to go home so early. We usually ride the MRT to and from work at Buendia. There is no struggle on riding the train for it is not the rush hour. As we went down the platform and went on the coach, it suddenly smells like burned rubber. Me and my friend were holding on to the post that was shaking unusually. Then, boom passengers suddenly rushed outside and the train's engin

e and lights were turned off. My friend and I were both feeling our racing heartbeats as the guard shouted, "Huwag po kayong magtakbuhan!" Come on, Manong Guard. We are close to dying! I was waiting for a loud boom as we ran along with the passengers but nothing followed. My friend decided that we took the bus to continue our lives. (Away goes the Php12 fare). We came along with another passenger who told us that the train was moving so weird from the Ayala station so she decided to get off also from Buendia.

My sleepiness was gone suddenly. As I walked along to our house, I saw kites in the afternoon wind. The month of May is the month where it already windy and you get to see more kites in the sky. Some have a tragic ending along the Meralco wires...

=D..I was not supposed to die today anyway..=D

Best of Both Worlds??

It is the nature of the male to be polygamous…

It is the nature of the female to open herself to love easily…

That is so stupid! I wanted to shout those words when I heard my trainer at my new center telling us about the reason of her break-up. I admire her for being the one letting go and at least she is the one who let that boy go.

Boys sometimes think, they can always have the best of both worlds. They can have the other one and still get to keep the next one. Such a loser thing to do. They are just a bunch of cowards who lead girls on and leave them hanging on. Why can’t they just choose and be brave enough to love the girl they have always wanted.

The story was the boyfriend has another girl that is still in the picture that he cannot let go. I have a friend back in high school who has a love story close to this. The guy and her were close and then there is the other girl who has a crush on the guy. I think the guy told my friend that she likes her but suddenly, our class just found out that the guy and the other girl is already a couple. My other girl friends were mad at the guy.

The usual scenario on this is the other girl is pretty and the other one is smart. But more than anything else, if you love the girl, say it and mean it. If you don’t say it let go. In this game of love, you can’t have it all. There is always the other half who is going to cry. My new guy friend said that in nature guys are polygamous. I admired him for saying those statements. This statement is also his reason that is why he is not into relationship. He was scared that he would just play in the relationship. I just told him not to. But it’s a funny conversation for me. Relationship was suddenly the topic of the day in our training class.

If you believe, therefore you love. If you get hurt, you did feel love. That is just it. Love entails joy and tears.

As Paulo Coelho says in The Witch of Portobello, “Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony”.

The Earsplitting Sound of Silence

You are alone and you can hear it. You hear a deep ringing sound that is penetrating your ear. It’s so eerie and scary inside your ear that you almost want to hear a loud bang of a firecracker. Listen closely, that was the bizarre sound coming from silence. I never thought it can make a sound like that.

Ever since I was young I found solace in silence. I am the daughter of silence. I seldom complain and I always keep to myself. Sometimes I already think that my parents might suspect that I am autistic. Anyways, as I started school, though I have a seatmate I got over each day just minding my own business. At the end of each grading period, it is the usual comment of teachers describing me as shy, timid, quiet and participate more in class. I excel in school more on written than in orals. Though, I seldom raised a hand on class discussion, I am proud that when a teacher calls me I have the answer. The teacher comments continue up to high school. Still, I do not think my parents bother about it because I do well at school. Silence was my companion.

This is where my hands move along with silence. When word are not enough, my hands wrote my suppressed my feelings. Only the silence hears it.

On my first farthest out of town trip on my own I got to hear the sound of silence. ( I would tell you about this trip on my following blogs). Anyways, this trip was up the chilly town of Benguet. I shared a room with a fellow traveler. The night was so cold and the silence was so deafening. It was so quiet that I feel so eerie already. It was so quiet that I can hear my ear ringing as if complaining to hear something loud to escape the bizarre noise.

At that moment, I knew I already heard the earsplitting sound of silence. It was there all along. But it was so ordinary that no one bothers to listen to it. That night the whistling sound of the pine tree was the only thing battling against the sound of silence.

I found solace in silence…

Me + You.

Love comes when you least expect it. It comes on the most unexpected time and place and to most unlikely pair. Even though, unexpected it comes out magically amazing.

I always believed that if love does not work out for me at least it work out for other people. Then I got to see the people close to my heart find true love that everyone is hoping for.

In the 22 years of my life, I see love in different forms. Parental love, friendly love, lovers love and love for GOD. I admit that sometimes I get frustrated that I do not have someone to love me like other people have but then again it’s just frustrations. I am contented as for now, seeing love work its magic to people I never thought would feel love for each other.

Love is just between a man and a woman, they say. They do not know that everyone is capable of love no matter is he has a heart of a woman or she has a heart of a man.

The proliferation of same sex relationship is already an open secret though most of the time it is not being accepted. There are still narrow-minded people who raised their eyebrows when they see two guys or girls holding hands or kissing.

I had opened my mind and heart to this other face of love when I was in college. I find it amazing how people resulted in this kind of relationship. I see most of them get to this kind of love because they see that it is no longer working with the opposite sex. It is sad if this is the case but what is magical that same sex relationship really happens because love worked on them. It is not because someone hurt them or what but because love beats for these two persons.

So lovely! I watched a love like this in front of my eyes through my friends who had this kind of relationship. The society says it’s immoral and against God’s will but I don’t think God prohibits us to love regardless of the way it was express as long as it was true.

I admire those in same sex relationship who had been with each other longer that a normal boy-girl relationship. Kudos to them for keeping the love alive and showing people that true love does work its magic no matter what our preference is.

Me, I’m just a girl waiting for my You..(Prince Charming is currently lost in the woods I think, hehehe..=D)

Future Plans. A Fart. Green Mangoes

I wonder why I become sleepy this start of the week on my new job when I am being proud awhile ago that I have enough sleep. As our class go along with the activities, I was energetic but my eyes became heavy as we had discussion..

Anyways, though I do not have enough money, my weekend as I can say is great. I missed spending time with my bestfriend, Tophet. So I get to spend the weekend with him and took care of him. I brought food and get to bond with him again. We indulge ourselves in singing our hearts out hoping to get to the level of the siblings who are YouTube sensations (Audrey and Gamal Tapiheru). Hurting our stomachs on watching hilarious skits of Vice Ganda on YouTube also.We talked about our plans of renting a house together. He was so excited about the idea and I know he is firm on pushing through on this.

Tophet and I got to catch up on each others escapades last week. I told him about my new set of friends and the new environment I am embracing right now. He also got to tell me about his week at work and how he plans to resign anytime soon.

I loved how our friendship went. We are the total opposite of each other but we got along so much. Like last weekend, though we don’t have money we got to enjoy each other’s company.

We enjoyed the afternoon having our laughing session over a platter of green mangoes and a saucer of soy sauce.

Here comes the hilarious part. I usually do an Indian sit and in the middle of a great laugh with him, I gave out a not so loud fart. *teeehee*

“Nautot tuloy ako,” I said while laughing. Then followed his long, almost never ending laugh.

“Dapat hindi mo sinabi. Akala ko naubo ka lang!”, he said.

My weekend was with a bang through the execution of my fart. (HAHAHAHA!!!) I was not feeling tired when I kissed Tophet goodbye. I have enough sleep and energy for a new week.

Not until, I fell asleep along the jeepney ride from Cubao to Pasig on my way home today.

Well, spending time with people close to your heart is never tiring and you will never mind the time passing by.

Until, you are on your own and the fatigue covers you up. Anyways, the exhaustion does not matter. Sleep and eat are your answers..

Just looking forward for the future..

Ring The Alarm

It is happening again...Take a look..See the world around you..

I’d been through a lot of readings and information today that struck the hell out of me. I mean these new things i came to know were the things i never thought were happening in this world. Its just so depressing knowing these things and in the end it left my heart feeling hurt and so heart wrenching.

Haven’t you notice the world around you? A lot has been happening that I thought had come up to an alarming level now. The tragedies and catastrophes that left some parts of the world devastated and in great need pf help from the people who have a heart to reach out. When you turn on your tv sets, listen to the radio and read your newspaper you could tell that the world is suffering too much and people are not doing something about it. You see these things were all along happening, it’s just that we were too busy about ourselves and so occupied with the material world that we tend to ignore these serious events around us.

I know life is sometimes or maybe all the times too harsh and cruel that we tend to divert ourselves to a better scenario and happy things so to stay away from these hard realities of life. But then we need to stand up and must not turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to the pain and suffering around us. These were all here because God has a message to tell us. We suffer and they suffer because it would make us feel how strong we were throughout and how lucky we were to overcome these things.

Yet after all, without suffering there would be no compassion. a simple prayer will do to stop or even alleviate the people who suffer and in pain. These were really happening and we are all part of this world not to be aware of it.

Surrender to Insanity

Sometimes the world is too cruel or harsh that most people wanted to escape from it. People resulted on drinking or just merely reading books just to see and imagine a more tolerable world. Escape comes in the form of already living oneself and staying on the world we that can give us a better view of life. Escape from reality.

Insane. Crazy.

On my way, to work (this time it is not a ‘taong grasa’) I rode on a jeep where there is a woman wearing a dowdy dress and looked unkempt. Her left foot was stretched in the jeep. It seem like she was just stretching to trip someone who’s going to enter the jeep. All throughout the ride, she was quiet. Typically, she just looked like those ordinary people who are not really keen on how will they look in public. Out of nowhere, she blurted, “ P@#$% ina!”. Along with that profanity, I overheard saying about a husband. It suddenly disturbed my fellow passengers and most especially the guy who is seated close beside her. I got off the jeep without knowing where the woman got off. Her feet will just take her wherever her world would take her…

Thoughts began to ponder again..

Why that woman become insane and escaped the real, harsh world? Maybe a guy broke her heart and left it shattered to pieces, or something traumatic happened to her.

They say only the weak can result to being crazy. Someone who cannot handle the drastic changes in life and the ordeal that comes along with it. Everyone gets a fair share of the cruelties of life. One may just be a different level from the other one. Still, all of these have a definite reason why it did happen. The reason may just be so oblique that we cannot arbitrate its purpose. That the denouement is yet to come in the rightful time that we need it. The sad part is that before we reach the end, we took the wrong turn and surrender on a more bearable world that we created on our own.

I can’t blame if they raised their white flag to this world that we have. In a way, they lost touch and hope that somehow, somewhere life would be better someday.

Hope is just around the corner. Faith. Believe.

Discovering Tupac Shakur

In literature, I always indulge myself in poetry. I myself love writing poems. I can see poems as a hideaway from the true feeling that you feel. Each lines and stanzas hide the pains, the hurting, the joy, the love and everything that I feel. It’s like you really have to dig up the curve of every line to get the root of the poem. It’s meaning. I love poems that are written in a melancholic and heartfelt way.. I never thought I could find that in the writings of a person I never thought would caught my eyes and my heart in every lines and words of his poem. None other than the late rapper "Tupac Shakur"..I came to Powerbooks and it seems like fate had made it’s way for me to read that book of the compilations of his writing. Poems that is and it’s worth Php 929.00, I guess. I happened to copy some of his poems. Here it goes..it really reflects the way i feel about a certain person who broke my heart but then let me whole again though his far away now from me…

"UNTITLED"

every word

cuts to the heart

conversations are ended

Is this what you want?

Is this what I want?

Is this what must be?

this is not a game

this is love

one should be played

the other cherished

i fell two hearts breaking..

is this what you want?

is this what i want?

is this what must be?

MUTUAL HEARTACHE?

Introduced with innocence

Who would have ever guessed

That you were the one I had

Been so desperately searching

You talk as I do but you don’t

Understand when I mumble

You see as I do but your vision

Is blurred by naivete

This is the barriei that separates us

I cannot cross yet

There is too much of me that

Would frighten you so I Live in

Heartache because we cannot

Fully explore this love and

What of your heartache?

Does it feel as sharp as mine?

No matter where I go or how long it takes

I will never recover from this mutual heartache????

Tupac Shakur died of a tragic death and I really have no knowledge about him except for the fact that the rap world owes everything of what and how the rap world had become of today.. As said in his biography he really has that flair in writing and a real great one..the words in every lines were simple and not that of the past literary works but you could tell the feelings inside his poems..I wish I could buy the book..

"I hope that one day i could break free from this love i had for you..One day ,I know this would be over but now i know it’s not yet over..I know it would be hard but I’m trying..I’m still learning you know.."

Thanks Tupac may you had peace with our Creator..peace out..

A Majestic Bond

I think anyone can live without lovers but no one can live without Friends"-from the book The Duchess by Jude Deveraux

Well, I also think so. No matter how many boyfriends or girlfriends come your way, friends do stick with you when the boyfriend went away. then it does not exactly say that it’s good to be an old maid, (I do hope to find Prince charming soon..) but no matter who you are, whenever, wherever and how many boyfriends had dumped you or you dumped, A TRUE FRIEND, would never leave your side and dumped you.

Friends were the ones who feel sympathy when you’re nursing a broken heart, would growl in anger if your boyfriend makes a fool out of you, the ones who would support you all the way, makes you laugh in the middle of your sadness, who would never put you down, who would listen when you cry out all your problems, who’d see the worst in you but still stood by you all the way, who’s willing to pay your fare, who’d stroll with you at the mall till your feet aches and everything and anything a true friend has to offer..

Friendship is a promise made in the heart. Friends come together for a purpose. Friends come together to share the joys and pains of life. They might share the same hobby, heartaches or just anything goes. I am not always friendly and the approachable one, I may be boring all the time. I may not be the one who’ll give you gifts every birthday of yours but I’m sure I’m the type of friend who would never ever ruin the friendship I have with you. I knew how to treasure something wonderful in life as friendship. I would never ever do that and leave you hanging, because the friendship I had with you keeps me going amidst the struggles and pains in my life.

I could still remember the word of my dear friend back in high school ‘alam mo ang ganda mong kaibigan", see i could still rememeber it.!

To all my friends, I’m sorry if I’m not a perfect friend, If I failed and disappointed you most of the time, I just want you to know guys that I’m so blessed and thankful to GOD that HE had showered me such wonderful people who would be there for me as I journey on with my life. THANK YOU SO MUCH for keeping the MAJESTIC BOND with me, called FRIENDSHIP, strong and lasting..

De-pressed

If you have experienced five or more of these depression symptoms within the same two week period--especially if a depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure are among your symptoms--this could be indicative of an episode of depression. The symptoms should not be accounted for by another illness, drugs of abuse or prescription medications.

1. Depressed Mood

A person may report feeling "sad" or "empty" or may cry frequently. Children and adolescents may exhibit irritability.

2. Decreased Interest or Pleasure

A person may show markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, daily activities.

3. Weight Changes

Significant changes in weight when not attempting to gain or lose (a gain or loss of 5% or more in a month) may be indicative of depression. In children, this may also present as a failure to make expected weight gains.

4. Sleep Disturbances

Insomnia or sleeping too much may be a symptom of depression.

5. Psychomotor Agitation or Retardation

The person may be observed to be either agitated and restless or physically slowed down in their movements.

6. Fatigue

Deep fatigue or a loss of energy is a symptom of depression.

7. Feelings of Worthlessness or Guilt

A depressed person may feel that they have no value or they may feel inappropriately guilty about things they have no control over.

8. "Brain Fog"

A depressed person may have a diminished ability to think, concentrate or make decisions.

9. Thoughts of Death

A depressed person may have recurring thoughts of death, especially thoughts of suicide, with or without a specific plan.

The One Who is Left Behind

In every step you take everyday there is someone who will be left behind..Like when you leave from work, you leave your loved ones at home or when you ride a jeep you get off and only time will tell if you'll get to get on that jeep again.. Someone who will be left behind and be totally forgotten.

It is hard to believe when you get to be with somebody and then one day they can just throw you away like they don't know you at all. But the most painful part is feeling that you are slowly fading out in the scene until you're totally not there anymore. Like hell.

Maybe I am not totally out of the scene, it just strikes me that somehow, someway you need to grow apart and meet other people. That one day, the laugh you share is not as loud anymore, the moments that you have is replaced, and time is of the essence to be with each other. I don't know if this is just part of me being depressed on the happenings in my life or I just can't accept the fact that one has to move and one has to be left behind.

It sucks that I'm the one who is left behind. It's great that people moved on with life and find what really makes them happy. But seeing you are not part of that happiness is sad. Again, I see people moving and I am stagnant. I know I need to move or the quicksand of hopelessness will pull me down alive. I have to struggle to be myself again.

I need to be the one..

The one who knows how to overcome the ups and downs of life. The one who knows how to lean on herself when there is no one to lean on to. The one who does not cry over pity things. The one who is strong and independent. The one who can conquer the world...

But right now,I am the one who is left behind... I always say that I would rather be the one leaving that be the one who is left behind. In my case I am the one who is left behind. I just find it hard to leave something or someone especially when you become a part of them and they become a part of you. (Or they are a part of you but you are not a part of them..)

Yeah, maybe that's it.I 'm finding it hard to let go and be the one leaving. It's too contradicting. I want to be the one leaving but I cannot do it.

I fear that if I leave, that will be the day I will be totally forgotten or no one will come after me and beg me to come back. I have long for the feeling to be badly needed by someone. That If I go that someone will do whatever takes to have me back. That they will realize that life is worthless without the very nice JOSEPHINE MAULEON. Up to now I am still longing for that day. Again I feel unappreciated, or maybe I am just being MAARTE just what my friend always told me...

I don't know?