I was here. But I was not supposed to be here. I do not want to be here. Yet I was here. It’s like you wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere in a place where I am with someone who was there by my side. Like I was someone else in some place that I really like and be with somebody I was meant to be.
Yet, I was here. Time tells me I was supposed to be here. I should be in this rightful place at this very moment. It's not like I have no choice. It's just that at the moment I have no place to go.No one to be with. So my feet just led me to where I was supposed to be. And eventually, I understand why I was here or why I was there. I was with this person or at this very place. It was how I escape from my somewhere and get to be with somebody's somewhere.
So there you have it, I was really escaping from something but the world is still leading me to the real deal of it all. It is like God is telling me that this; my daughter is the world you are in. It is cruel. It is amazing. It is bizarre. It is complicated. It is a kaleidoscope of everything and everyone in it. And again, I was meant to see it and understand it. Even though I try so hard to escape and believe that the world is lovely place full of love and kindness, there is always the negative side of it. I know it is a test of how much you can put your faith in this world where almost everyone has escaped and had long ago surrendered.
As much as I would not like to see things, know and understand situations, I was meant to deal with it. I was here. I was there. I saw it. I hear it. I knew it. And I try to understand it. But these things are difficult for me. I found myself wishing not to know and see things this way. As much as I wanted to numb myself and be dumb on certain things, I just cannot do it. I was always involved even though I should not be in the first place. It is so hard when I try so much to understand but they do not want to let you inside. When I try to care and get involve, I was accused of being out of bounds. I was suddenly in a blur. It is like after all of it, I will have to figure out by myself what exactly just happened.
It is hard to be blind when you see things. It is hard to be deaf when you are needed to listen to it. It is hard to put yourself into mute mode because you know nobody will listen. It is hard not to feel at all when you know it is really meant to hurt. And thus, my doctor's diagnosis was right that I have hypersensitivity.
As much as I would not like to, I cannot escape. I am in this world. I am to deal with it. And at the end of the day, I was here for a reason.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Have you ever felt like that? Like you were standing on the edge of the cliff with nowhere to go? You were like a piece of rock just dreading to be pushed by the strong wind and it watches you feel into pieces. It is so hard to feel you belong when there is someone voting you out of the circle. It is exhausting to fight for your rightful place when everyone is making you feel an outcast. It is so frustrating to stay when everything that is happening is pushing you farther away.
Why do we have to go through complications when all we wanted is just to fit in? Why can everyone just go along with each other and be honest? When every truth you believed in was just built from lies. I know in this world there are lies. There are cover ups. Everyone tries to wear a mask. Everyone tries to be mysterious so to find someone who can pull something out of them.
It is a wonderful feeling when you find somebody who had pulled you inside their world. When there are no monsters to reveal behind a dazzling masks. Somebody had trusted you and you put your faith in them. You are free to roam in their world and everything else falls into the right place. The world is real and you finally fit in.
But suddenly as you run along freely, you met a dead end and was standing in the edge. The world that makes you safe is suddenly a nightmare. They got you inside a huge cover up. They thought pulling you inside would give them something in return but they did not get that something. Something to gain for from letting you in. They had built a world of lies. And now they are pushing you off the sharp edge of a cliff.
All along you were true to yourself and to them but they were blinded by their evil schemes. To attract people in their world and to have you do something from them. The world you thought was real has suddenly come to an end. You were pushed away. You are now the rock falling into the abyss of being broken into pieces.
They did not see how better the world could be if only everyone is true. Everyone believes in someone else. Maybe then we do not have to struggle to be puled inside or have the fear of being pushed away. That is why everyone tries to be on the safe side and wear those masks or just hide inside their own world. I guess there would always be people trying to throw out people. It is just sad to see that in the end they are the ones left alone inside their world full of lies.