Tuesday, December 20, 2011


I was here. But I was not supposed to be here. I do not want to be here. Yet I was here. It’s like you wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere in a place where I am with someone who was there by my side. Like I was someone else in some place that I really like and be with somebody I was meant to be.

Yet, I was here. Time tells me I was supposed to be here. I should be in this rightful place at this very moment. It's not like I have no choice. It's just that at the moment I have no place to go.No one to be with. So my feet just led me to where I was supposed to be. And eventually, I understand why I was here or why I was there. I was with this person or at this very place. It was how I escape from my somewhere and get to be with somebody's somewhere.

So there you have it, I was really escaping from something but the world is still leading me to the real deal of it all. It is like God is telling me that this; my daughter is the world you are in. It is cruel. It is amazing. It is bizarre. It is complicated. It is a kaleidoscope of everything and everyone in it. And again, I was meant to see it and understand it. Even though I try so hard to escape and believe that the world is lovely place full of love and kindness, there is always the negative side of it. I know it is a test of how much you can put your faith in this world where almost everyone has escaped and had long ago surrendered.

As much as I would not like to see things, know and understand situations, I was meant to deal with it. I was here. I was there. I saw it. I hear it. I knew it. And I try to understand it. But these things are difficult for me. I found myself wishing not to know and see things this way. As much as I wanted to numb myself and be dumb on certain things, I just cannot do it. I was always involved even though I should not be in the first place. It is so hard when I try so much to understand but they do not want to let you inside. When I try to care and get involve, I was accused of being out of bounds. I was suddenly in a blur. It is like after all of it, I will have to figure out by myself what exactly just happened.

It is hard to be blind when you see things. It is hard to be deaf when you are needed to listen to it. It is hard to put yourself into mute mode because you know nobody will listen. It is hard not to feel at all when you know it is really meant to hurt. And thus, my doctor's diagnosis was right that I have hypersensitivity.

As much as I would not like to, I cannot escape. I am in this world. I am to deal with it. And at the end of the day, I was here for a reason.

No comments:

Post a Comment