Monday, January 11, 2010

Its a Suicide


Death is but another great journey. So maybe that's why, some people take their own lives. They want to explore the journey or maybe just get away from something. But why is there a need to escape and take our own life in the process? Sometimes, I myself thought of escaping the real world and just drift on to the next life. In this cruel world that we live in, where hopelessness and pain is everywhere, suicide is the only answer to end their suffering. The shocking truth is teenagers, about 13.4 percent of them had thought about suicide and 25 percent of them had attempted to do it. I was about 18 when the thought popped inside my head. It was a rainy afternoon and was alone in our house. The other day there was a huge argument between Mama and Ate and Papa. The past few days since we moved in to a new neighborhood, there is never a day that they would argue about money, our house or about not being able to send us to school any more. Though I was alone that rainy afternoon, I could still hear their voices and it would send me to tears. My eyes came upon the door of our bathroom slightly ajar. 9.6% of suicides felt really hopeless about the future while 9.9% felt depressed about life in general. Me? Maybe, I'm both at that moment in my life. Anyways, when you do feel depressed about life in general it also goes without saying that you are being hopeless of your future. I walked up to our bathroom and sat on the toilet bowl. It's raining and our bathroom was as cold as the rain. Questions started to invade my mind suddenly. How should I die? How should I kill myself? Should I slash my wrist? But then slashing it would be really painful and too bloody. Hanging would exert much effort on my part. I need to find a rope and tie it up to our ceiling. If I jumped off a building, it's not possible since there's no building near us. There is a bridge near us but the river is too dirty and murky to jump into. I don't want to drown. I'm scared of drowning. Now thinking about those gruesome effects of me attempting a suicide, makes the thought of it in a blur. I heard a knock at the door. It was my sister. She got home from school already. Slowly my suicidal attempt fades away. Then it was gone. How can I take my life when I'm scared of merely hurting myself? And besides when I die, my family would spend so much money for my funeral. I only have a song prepared to be played on the day I die. I was 18 then, today Ia am already 22, but according to survey an average of 16 years old had attempted suicide. Today, I think most of the people thought of committing suicide once in their life. It's just a matter of pursuing it or giving it up. Maybe most of then also wanted to commit suicide inside a bathroom or in their own bedroom. And if I died already, I won't be able to share these facts I had concluded myself, isn't it? As much as we think that there is escape and solution in death, there is also in life. It's just sometimes or most of the times we don't see it because this life we had is to harsh and cruel. But you know everyone as well as everything around us has innate kindness in them. We just have to search more deeper far more than the surface. In death, there is beauty but doing a shortcut might short lived the great journey ahead.

waiting reality


After some time,I saw him again at the most unexpected moment at the most unexpected time. I admit that i'd been thinking about what if he would come my way one of these days or any other day. And I guess I finally believe that imagination seems to be reality, as my imagination turns into big time reality. I sa the tuRON I thought I'd never see again. It was the shock of my life! We were on the line for this free movie; the last full show and it was long leading to a balsony. Then I was just on the line with my friends when I turned my back around, there he was!tuRON! I felt my heart jumping like crazy as if it wanted to get out of my ribcage. In short, I felt nervous. It was just a plain accidental glance and I quickly turned the other way. I didn't lookk to where he was going anyway. At that moment, I hate what I was feeling and acting. I just happened to look at that way and there he was, still thin and I think I saw a peircing on his chin and to top it all of, he was with a girl smaller than me with long hair. I didn't tell my friends that I saw him and maybe they couldn't tell also that I was looking stupid and uneasy that moment. As we went inside for the movie, I was just staring blankly at the screen, with my mind still filled of tuRON and I felt stupid. All I could think of was tuRon,half of the movie. No matter how hard I convinced myself that it wasn't him, it was really him, because I would never be acting like that and feeling stupid at that very moment. I managed to focus on the movie half-way to the end. when I reached home,late at night, tuRON was still inside my head . If only I could crack my head open and let the thought of him out of my stupid head, I would! I really didn't know what to feel??? Bitter? Nervous? Hurt? Excited? Flabbergasted? Then as I went to sleep to finally call it a day, I wanted to cry. I really deel like crying, I swear. I felt that there's something inside me that I must let out. But the heck! I can't even shed a drop oe tears. My eyes were in drougth already. Maybe I've shed all the tears I needed to for tuRON. Suddenly, I hate that mall, It's as if I don't want to go there anymore. I was getting paranoid. Before, I really longed and wanted to see tuRON but now I wished I won't see him anymore, that I won't lay my eyes upon him anymore. When I went back to the movies at the same mall, I really crossed my fingers and prayed hard that he won't come my way that day. And he didn't come my way that day, really. My friends say that it was destiny because after sometime tuRON came my way. But for me I can say that it's a God given sign, that I must stop putting tuRON as the man for me. I'd been waiting long enough and it's already the end of the line. It's enough of loving someone who really can't love you back or even remember someone like me who loved him once in his life. I'd been waiting for reality and it finally came.

THE END

I am Wind

My love is like the wind…or maybe I am the wind. It’s not the way the text quotes goes, like when you lose me you’ll be fighting so hard just to breathe me again or in the movie A Walk to remember; you can’t see it but you can feel it. I am wind because you just let me pass you by, blowing gently around you. To you, and whoever you are, you know who are you, ignoring me all along.

I am the wind for i could be everywhere as long as I like. Touch the leaves of the tallest tree, glide down to the cool waters of the river, brush off the rich ground or feel the clouds above, but I can only dream I am wind because I am me...a girl who just wanted to be the wind.

I'm dying to be the wind around you so I could hear your voice and let it swept off by my breeze around me. I could see you without even turning to the left or to the right for I am the wind who is everywhere. I could kiss your lips without you feeling awkward because i am just the breeze gliding on the curves of your lips. I could hug you without you feeling the resistance for I am just the wind circling around you. You could feel me and sometimes you could just ignore me. I am the wind beneath you but you really just can't have the time to feel it. Yes, I will always be like that around you and now that the wind of me is gone beneath you, it would be just nothing at all. I am a nothing wind. A dying wind who could be swept off to anywhere because you can't need me. For a wind is a moving air and I definitely had moved.

My love will always be like the wind, giving the one I love my caress, my breeze, my everything but when you don't need me I will just move along for I am a moving air, a fast one going along with my life.

Maybe, if I die I'd tell God that He'll make me into a wind . For my love to be felt by anyone around me and just keep it there, making me feel that my love is just around them and that will make me happy. I am wind. I give love without even trying to suffocate them like a harsh wind or frightened them like a raging tornado.

I am wind...me and my love. I will let you feel me and that would be enough. If you need me, I'll just be the breeze gliding around you. If you don't need me I'll just be moving on like a wind does after all...

a way of thank you

I’ve been up and down..flew and then fell..laugh and then cry..loved and was hurt..i’ve been strong and then so weak..i forget and then remember..and through it all HE was there..

Everyone thought that i was always the quiet and so kind girl when they saw me. Poker-faced, I am always. Everyone thought that I wasn’t born to be bad and get furiously mad but eventhough everyone seem to knew me like that, only HIM knows the real me..

With, HIM..I could be so tactless..I could be so tactless..I could cry non-stop and only HE can saw these tears of mine which was rarely seen by anyone I could be mad at everything and maybe to HIM also..I could be too bad and wicked to HIm and throuygh it all, HE was there..

Everyone thought that I was just fine getting along with everyday just fine. They thought I was just strong and just ready to face everything. everyone thought that my smile and my laughs were real but deep inside it’s too different and through it all HE was there..

In everything that I’ve done all my life, HE was the friend that never turned HIS back on me eventhough He saw and knew the worst part of me. There were a lot of times that I ignore HIS presence inmy life, a lot of times that I made HIM suffer because of my bad deeds, a lot of times I’ve broken my promises to HIM and a lot of times that I failed and disappointed HIM but through it all HE was there.

Amidst my pain, my sorrow, my heartaches, my failures, my sufferings, my struggle, my loneliness, my weaknesses, HE never failed to make me realize that HE was there, I can count on HIM. Just put my trust on HIm and though I disappointed HIM, he never fails me, HE never put me down. HE was always there to remind me to hold on, don’t give up and I"LL carry you through it all, my child…

Thorugh it all, I didn’t know how to say my thank you..could it be through saying a million thanks? a billion thanks? a gazillion thanks? All I know is that everyday of my life I try to say thank you to HIM and how blessed I am that HE was there. I had a quote made up by myself for HIM:

"No matter how many times I try and fail, I dreamed and was shattered, I hope but ended in vain, I fly but fell HE never fails to made me realixe that everything has a reason-it has a purpose"

i am just starting on my long journey to HIM and I told HIM that I’m getting proud of myself because I’m heading the right path where evryone suppose to lead to.

I knew when I cry, HE cries, when i’m sad, HE’s sad too. Though I’m not worthy HE knows i need halp and HE did shine on me. HE didn’t give up on someone who’s unworthy of HIM.

I was the lost sheep and HE’s the shepherd who found me, I was the lost ship in angry sea and HE was the lighthouse that shine on me. HE taught me the right way to my life and I knew when i’m weary He would carry me through.

Even a gazillion thanks will not do or worthy enough for HIS undying love for me.When evryone walks away He would be there for me..

I hope this blog will say my thanks to HIM, …(~.^)

If I Were a Boy

If I were a boy maybe I would be cute and my being quiet would give me the mystery that girls like in a boy.

If I were a boy, I would never lead a girl on and be that 'pa-cute' so to attract a girl. I know how painful would that be. If you really want a girl then say it and don't make her wait.

If I were a boy, I would never look at the surface. I think most guys are superficial, whether they admit it or not. Though most boys say that they look deeper than the surface, its not. Boys like that are infuriating and they were even harsh enough to tel you your ugly.

If I were a boy I would never break a girl's heart just because I found a new one. I would be true and would never used a girl just to move on.

If I were a boy, I'll be just like myself when I'm a girl but with different preferences.

I can't help but wonder, why can't guys love or like someone just like any other nice girls?

This would be a blog of bitterness, but care to look and dig deeper in the world of masculines, these statements are true.

-a-love-story-


“Makikita mo na si Kris. Puntahan mo na ‘yun dun. Baka naiinip na ‘yon doon, Joseph, “napakahina ng boses niya at nakuha pa niyang ngumiti bago tumalikod sa akin.

Bumalot ng malamig na pakiramdam sa akin. Muli naramdamankoamg sakit mg pag-ibig; ang pagkawala nito. Tuluy-tuloy ang pagdaloy ng pait kasabay ng mga luha sa babaeng nagmahalsa akin.

Wala na si Rona.

Lumipas ang buong magdamag.Hindi na ako nakasipot sa usapan namin ni Kris. Wal;a pang may alamng nagyari kay Rona. Nakahiga na akosa kamat matamang nakatitig sa alarmclocksa tabi ko. Parang kakaiba ang bawat galawng mga kamay ng orsan ng gabing iyon.Tuluyan na akong napapikit at hindi konpansin na biglang nagbago ang galaw ng orasan. Mabilis na umiikotpabalik ang mga kamay ng orasan.

“Ate!” Matinis ang boses na iyon na nagpagising sa akin. Tinungo ko ang bintana dahil alam ko na si TinTin iyon. Ang makulit na bata sa amin na laging kasama ni –

“Rona--,” nabulong ko nang Makita kokung sino ang nasa labas na kasam ni TinTin. Si Rona!

“Aaah!” Napasigaw na ako na talagang takot na takot. Napatingin ang dalawa sa akin na gulat na gulat. Napatawa ng malakas si TinTin.

“Parang nakakita ng multo,Nuh!” Sabad ni TinTin na kung magsalitay parang hindi limang taon.

Tara, bili na tayo ng Hany?” Boses ni Rona na muli kong ikinasigaw ata napaupo ako sa sahig. May multo nga!

“Joseph, ano ba ‘yan!?”, sigaw ng Mama kokasabay ang boses ng katulong naming si Diane.

Bumaba ako sa kusina para mag-almusal . Nakaalis na si Mama papuntang trabaho kasunod ang kapatid kong si Alex.

“Bakit ka namumutla?,” tanong ni Dianehabang hinahainan ako ng almusal.

“S-sabihin mo nga.A-anong date ngayon?’ nauutal kong tanong.

“December 4. Sabi ni Alex birthday daw ni David.” Sagot ni Diane. Bigla akong nabulunan at nabuga ko ang sinubo kong pagkain.

“Ano ba ‘yan!” Galit si Diane, nagkalat ba naman ako. Hindi iyon pwede. January na dapat.

“Dapat January na ah!”

“Baliw ka ba!? Wala pa ngang Pasko, eh!”

Naguguluhan pa rin ako. Kagabi lang pagtulog ko January tapos biglang bumalik sa December. Lumabas ako ng bahay para mkahinga ng malalim. Pumunta ako sa tindahan at npansin ko na pamilyar ‘yonmg trak na nakaparada doon. Nakita ko iyong pamilyar na lalaki na kausap ko kahapon.

“Boy, kamusta na?” Binati niya ako. Siya iyong nakabangga kay Rona.

“Ikaw,iyong naka-“

“Nagkita na kayo ng kaibigan mo?” tanong niya.

“ Hindi ko maintindihan?” Sabad ko.Tumindig na ang lalaki patungo sa trak niya pero sinundan ko siya.

“Mama,anong nangyari? Bakit bumalik siya?” Tanong ko sa kanya.

“E, boy nandyan siya ulit? Ano sa tingin mong ibig sabihin nun?” Pumasok na ang lalaki sa trak niya.

Naguguluhan akong bumalik sa bahay namin pero natigilan ako ng makita si Rona na paalis na. Nakasunod sa kanya si TinTin. Napasunod na rin ako.

“Dito ka na. Tatawid na ako. Huwag kang susunod.” Utos ni Rona kay TinTin. Lumingon siya sa gawi ko.Nalaman niya siguro na nakasunod lang ako. Bigla rin niyang binawi ang tingin sa akin at tumawid na.

“Ingat ka!” Nasabi ko bigla at napalingon siya sa akin ulit bago pa siya sumakay ng dyip.

Hindi siya multo. Buhay siya. December ulit. Nandito siyang muli.

“Joseph, penge piso!” Si TinTin.

Lumipas muli ang magdamag. Sa paggising ko wala na ang bahay nila Rona sa tapat namin. Nag-fast forward ata bigla. Nakalipat na sila Rona at giniba na iyong bahay nila. Gulung-gulo na talaga ako.

“E, boy nandyan siya ulit? Ano sa tingin mong ibig sabihin nun?” Naalala ko ang sinabi sa akin ng lalaki, habang nasa harapan ako ng computer sa isang internet café. Naalala ko tuloy ‘yong mga PM niya. Pati rin mga testimonials ni Rona.

Sa Friendster nag-umpisa ang lahat. Ang kwento ng pag-ibig ni Rona sa isang katulad ko. Nagulat lang talaga ako. Sa dinami-dami ng mga PM niya, bilang lang ang mga tugon ko sa mga iyon. Dalawa lang ata. Sa totoo lang hindi talaga kami malapit sa isa’t-isa. Tahimik kasi si Rona, ako naman hindi siya masyadong pinapansin. Ngayon hindi na kami magkapitbahay. Malayo na kami sa isa’t-isa pero bumabalik siyang muli sa buhay ko.

Lumabas na ako ng internet café at napansin ko na medyo ma-traffic sa kalye namin. Umusad ang jeep at natuon ang tingin ko sa babaeng nakaupo sa dulo ng jeep. Nakatungo siya at nakatingin sa paa niya. Malamlamang kanyang mga mata. Si Rona. Bigla siyang nag-angat ng mukha at nagkatinginan kami. Muli siya ang mabilis na bumawi ng tingin.

“E, boy nandyan siya uli? Ano sa tingin mong ibig sabihin nun?” Ayon na naman ang mgasalita ng mama. Umaalingawngaw sa ulo ko. Bigla ko na lang pinara ang jeep kung saan nakasakay si Rona at umupo sa tapat niya.

Dalawang barangay na ang nalagpasan ng jeep pero hindi pa rin siya bumababa pati rin ako. Medyomaluwang na ang jeep at wala ng katabi si Rona kaya’t tumabi ako sa kanya. Nakatingin lang siya ng malayo sa labas ng bintana ng jeep. Napamulagat siya sa akin dahil nasa tabi na niya ako. Kaya’t mabilis siyang tumingin sa kabila para iwasan ang tingin ko.

“sa’n ka bababa?” tanong ko.

“Sa bahay naming,” sagot niya.

Dumukot akong pamasahe at nagbayad.

“Ma, bayad! Dun sa bababaan ng katabi ko.” Saad ko atnapalingon sa akin si Rona na naguguluhan. Ilang minuto pa at bumaba na kami. Agad na tatawid si Rona sa kabilang kalye peropinigilan ko siya.

“Huwag ka basta-bastang tatawid.” Sabi ko at naguguluhan pa rin siyang nakatingin sa akin. Sbay kaming tumawid sa kabilang kalye.

“O, san ang sa inyo?” Tanong ko.

“Marunong akong umuwi. Bakit ka ba sumusunod? Bago lamh kami dito kaya ‘pagnapagtripan ka---“.

“Sinundan lang kita, Rona. Para malaman ang sa inyo.’ Putol ko at ganun pa rin ang tingin niya sa akin.

“Saka ano pala…May barya ka ba? Kasi wala na akong pamasahe pabalik.” Sabi ko sabay kamot sa ulo. Kumuha siya ng barya sa bag at inabot niya sa akin.

“Yan na lang. Sabihin mo estudyante ka. Saka huwag mo ng uulitin ‘to. Kinakabahan kasi ako.” Sabad niya at nagpasalamat ako.

Tumalikod na siya at tinungo ang unang eskinita sa kalyeng iyon. Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit biglang natuwa ang puso ko sa mga sandaling iyon. Kausap ko siya. Kakaiba. Ewan ko ba? Pumara na ako ng jeep at umuwi na sa amin.

Parang ang pagbabalikng orasay para lang kay Rona. Doon lang ako nakatuon. Bawat oras kailangan nakikita ko siya kasi baka bigla siyang mawala. Katulad ngayon nakaabang ako sa intersection kung saan bababa si Rona bago sumakay ulit ng jeep papunta sa kanila. Kasama ko ang barkada ko nun. Ilang sandali pa bumaba si Rona sa isa sa mga jeep.

“Uy, si ano, o!” Sigaw ng isa kong kaibigan.

“ Joseph! Joseph!” Dagdag ng isa kong kaibigan na halatang tinatawag ang pansin ni Rona. Nagpaalam ma ako sa kanila at sinabayan ng tawid si Rona nag hindo ako pinapansin. Hindi niya namlayan na katabi na niya ako.

“Joseph! Joseph! Sinong Joseph ‘yon? Bulong niya sa sarili na nadinig at ikinangiti ko.

“Ako! Sagot ko at napalingon siya sa akin na gulat na gulat. Lalo tuloy lumaki ang mata niya na may mahabang pilik mata. Mabilis na naman akong sumunod.

“Uy, sandali lang!” Sigaw ko at naabutan ko naman siya.

“ Dib a hindi mo na dapat ako sinusundan? Kinakabahan ako,eh.” Naiirita na parang temse ang boses ni Rona.

“Bakit ka kinakabahan?

“Ewan ko! Kinakabahan ako, eh.”

“ Bakit nga?”

“Ano sa tingin mo? Umuwi ka na nga.” Sabay sakay niya ng jeep pero sumunod pa rin ako sa kanya.

Lagi na lang akong nakasunod sa kanya. Lagi kasing sumasagi sa isip ko ‘yong sinsabi ng mama na nandito si Rona ulit. Saka natutuwa ako kapag naririnig ‘yong dialogue niya tuwing sinusundan ko siya. Iyong, “ kinakabhan ako eh. “

Sabado. Naisipan kong mag-gala sa mall. Pagpasok ko pa lang sa bookstore nakita ko na agad si Rona na nakatunghay sa screen ng LCD monitor dun. Ipinapakit ang trailer ng isang pelikula. If Only. Bigla akong tumabi sa kanya.

“Naiintindihan mo naman ba?” Sabad ko at napatingin na namn siya sa akin at mabilis na naman siyang umalis. Pero agad ko siyang nakita na nagbabasa ng makapal na libro sa isang sulok.

“Uy!” Tawag pansin ko pero inangat niya ang libro na tumakip na sa mukha niya.

“Umalis ka. Kinakabhan ako.” Hindi pa rin niya binababa ang libro.

“Napanood kona iyon Kwentoko sa’yo.”

“Napanood ko na rin’yon.” Binaba ko ang libro pero nakatingin siya sa paa niya.

“Uy, ano ba!?” Inis na ako.

“Kinakabahan nga ako eh.” Napatawa na lang ako at sumandal sa shelf na katapat niya.

“Sabi sa movie parang you can alter destiny.” Sabad ko at napatingin na siya sa akin. Natuwa na naman ang puso ko.

Malabo ‘yon. E, di sana lahat hindi namamatay.” Sabi niya na nakatingin sa akin. Maganda naman si Rona peor ‘yon nga lang kung wala kang panahon pansinin ang katulad niya hindi mo siya makikita. Ngayon iba na ang pakiramdam kapag kasama ko siya. “Kasi mababago nila ang pangyayari.” Dagdag pa niya.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at nakatingin lang siya sa akin.

“Pero bakit nandito ka ngayon? December ulit?” Tumingin na naman siya sa akin na naguguluhan.

“December lang namn talaga? Saka nandito lang naman ako lagi. Gusto ko ang lugar na ito, eh.” Sabi niya. Tama siya. Lagi lang naman siyang nandyan ako lang ang hindi. Hindi ko siya pinapansin.

Unti-unti ko nang nalalaman ang sinasabi nang mamang driver. Nandito ulit si Rona at alamkona ang ibig sabihin nun. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at hinayaan niyang hawak ko iyon. Niyaya ko na siya na mag-lakad-lakad. Pero maya-maya tumingin siya sa relo niya.

“Tama na!” Sabad niya.

“Kain tayo!” aya ko.

“ Siguro ayaw talaga ninyo na kami ang gagawa ng first move. Kaya ok na ako, Joseph.” At bumitaw na siya sa kamay ko.

“Hindi, Rona. Huwag mong isipin---“

“Pagod na kasi ako. Huwag mong lokohin sarili mo,ha? Ok na ako. Kaya ko ‘to. Sige na!” sabi niya at mabilis na siyang lumayo. Hindi ko na siya nahabol.

Nung Makita kong tumakbo palayo si Rona sa akin parang naramdaman ko ang kakaibang lungkot. Kaya’t hindi ko hinahayaang mawala siya sa paningin ko. Isang iglap lang na ang babaeng ni hindi sumasagi sa isipko at hindi kopinapansin ay biglang sentro ng mundo ko. Ngayon nakaabang ako sa eskinita nila at hinhintay siyang dumating. Lagi niya akong iniiwasan pero nasa paligid lang niya ako. Nandito siya. Nandito rin ako.

“Merry Christmas!” Batik o kahit isang lingo pa bago mag-Pasko. Napamulagat siya at hindi malaman kung paano aalis dahil nahaharangan ko ang daan.

“Merry Christmas.” Halos pabulong niyang bati at alam kong iiwasan na naman niya ako. Kaya’t mabilis kung hinawakan ang kamay niya. Inaya ko siyang mag-usap kami at nagpaunlak naman siya. Doon kami sa may waiting shed malapit sa kanila.

“Tama na kasi. Ok na ako.” Basag niya.

“Alam ko na kung bakit sinasabi mong tama na. Alamko na kung bakit ayaw mong sinusundan kita. Alamko na rin kung bakit ka kinakabahan. Alam ko na rin kung bakit ginagawa ko lahat ng ito, Rona.” Sabi ko at nakatingin na siya sa akin.

“Nakakaawa ako noh? O desperado…Kasi may ibibigay naman ako,eh.Pero bakit parang walang may gusto? O, wala naman talagang may gusto?”

“Hindi,totoo’yan.Hindi---“

“Bakit ayaw nilang sabihin na gusto nila ako? Pero wala naman akong magagawa kung wala naman talaga di ba?” Mabilis niyang pinapahid ang mga luha niya peromay kasunod agad iyon. Masakit Makita ang pag-iyak niya at malamang ako ang dahilan noon. Halatang pinipigilan ni Rona ang pag-iyak pero nahihirapan na siyang pigilan iyon.

“Rona! Tama na. Alam ko na mahal mo ako. Alam ko na rin ang sagot ko. Mahal kita.” Sabi ko sabay hawak sa balikat niya. Inangat niya ang mukha at tumitig sa akin.

“Huwag kang sinungaling. Huwag na,Joseph. Kaya ko naman,eh.Lalo lang akong masasaktan.Lumayo ka—“ Hindi ko na pinatapos ang sasabihin niya at mabili na hinaglkan siya sa labi. Kasunod noon ay mahigpit na yakap. Ayaw ko siyang mawala. Baka biglang maging February o June.Iyong tipong paggising ko wala na si Rona.

“Hindi akonagsisinungaling. Nadito lang ako. Kasi nandyan ka rin. Huwag ka lang mawawala.” Sabi ko at naramdaman ko ang mgabarso at kamay niya sa likod ko.

“Nandito lang ako,” bulong ko.

Iba ang mundo ngayon. Masaya at parang walang problema na nangingibabaw. Nakita ko na ang dapat kong Makita. Si Rina. Iba ang pangalawang pagkakataon. Nandito siyang muli. Masaya ang Pasko at Bagong Taon para sa akin. Pero binabagabag pa rin ako ng paparating na bukas.

“Tawid na tay?” Narinig ko si Rona. Lumingon ako sa kanya at hinawakan ang kamay niya.

“Huwag basta-basta.” Sagot ko. Ngayon,saby naming pupuntahan si Kris. Makikipagkita kami sa isang kaibigan.

Bigla parang dumilim ang asul na langit nang umagang iyon. Hindi pwedeng mangyari iyon. Hindi ito ang araw na iyon.Natatakot na ako sa iniisip ko.

“Bakit?” Nakatingin si Rona sa akin. Nag-aalala ang mga titig niya. Bigla kosiyang niyakap at sa tuwing ginagawa ko iyon nawawala lahat ng pag-aalala ko.

“Joseph?” bulong niya.

“Huwag kang bibitaw,Rona.” Saad ko.

Tumawid na kami. Unti-unti parang bumagal ang lahat. Pati tibok ng puso ko, ang bawat hakbang naming. Ang oras dahan-dahan, sumasabaysiya. Lumingon sa akin si Rona at ngumiti. Ngunit nag-iba ang reaksyon niya.

“Joseph!” Sigaw niya bigla at bumulagta ako sa kabilang kalye. Isang trak ang humagibis na nagpalayo sa kanya sa akin.

Mahabang busina. Nakalulunos na sigaw ng mga tao. Narinig ko na iyon. Naroon ulit ang mamang driver.

“Bakit?” Ramdam ko ang luha sa aking mga psingi. Umiling ang mamang driver. Ganoon din ang lahat.Walang ipinagbago. Natanaw ko na naman ang nagliliwanag at mahabang pasilyo.

“Makikita mo na si Kris. Puntahan mo na siya. Baka naiinip na ‘yon dun, Joseph,” iyon pa rin ang mga salita niya.

“Huwag kang mawawala!” Sigaw ko.

Lumingon siya sa akin at ngumiti. May luha sa kanyang mga pisngi.

“Nandito lang ako,” at nawala na siya.