Remorse

There’s something wrong with me and I could tell. I think I had enough of life and i decided that God would take over. I couldn’t understand anymore how to get on with each day with the way I am . It seems that when I do good or bad its just the same outcome..

I know no one’s perfect but the thing is I don’t know if I’m even have the worthy right to be here. I feel so useless and helpless. Every time I try to reach out I feel no one would want to get a hold of me. I couldn’t get through them. O couldn’t ease their pain and sufferings. When it comes tome, they were always there helping me all throughout. God knows I really appreciate them for being with me whenever I need them. But then I don’t think I even worth their attention and affection. I felt like I couldn’t do anything to ease their pain. I was just there watching them in pain and suffer. It’s like my karma; instead of me being punished the people i loved were the ones to suffer. And it really pains me a lot, knowing I was the one bringing the pains to them.I don’t even deserve the love they have for me and even God’s love. I’m too rotten inside. So rotten inside. There’s too much pain and I couldn’t bear to share it with them. For I myself don’t know how I carried all these pain I have. The one who would read this blog (i doubt about it...) may find this leading to nowhere or a nonsense blog. But aside from my diary it’s my outlet right now.

I feel like I have a great mind because I’m talking about pain and death. I’m well-organized because I’m dealing about death everyday. This may sound crazy or morbid, but everyday I was just puzzled why I am still alive when I deserve to die already. I thought I had found my purpose but then I wasted it all and got lost again in this crazy life. It’s not even worth God’s time to save a filthy soul like me.

I feel rotten. I am not really nice. In fact, I’m too wicked to be nice. Everyone wears a mask and I had lots of it. If ever there’s one person (doubt about this again...) that would accept me I don’t think I was even worth him. I’ll just waste his precious time. I can’t bear the thought that another person would suffer for me. Even God had enough but still He never tires…but I’m too tired already. I’m too exhausted to this journey of life leading to nowhere.

I’m standing on crossroads. In one moment, life seems so amazing then the next day I ruined it all and I saw it as a trash waiting to get burned. I lost every million chance God had given me. I’m totally lost. I wonder if there would be someday again, I even doubt that now would be here..