Saturday, July 9, 2011

So I expect

So they say it is stupid to wait for something that is never going to come. It is weak to long for someone you can never have. It is a work of a fool to hang on to someone you cannot expect something in return. Yet, we still do. We wait for it. We expect for it to happen. We long for it. But in the end we get hurt and just earned some disappointments.

Back when I was a kid expectations are just simple. I wait for my Papa to bring some treats when he went home from work. It is not every weekend that he would be home empty handed. My siblings and I grew up to now what we deserve and what we can have in the kind of life we are living. We are not affluent enough to throw tantrums whenever we cannot get what we want or poor enough to drool on things we cannot get. As early as this I learned to expect and to be disappointed in return. Let’s just say I got used to it. I don’t know this may be the part when my friends call me stupid or an idiot. Why do you have to cling on to something when you knew from the very start what it will get you in the very end?

Well, how do you stop when it is all you wanted?

So I once did a silly thing of telling my long hidden love to my cute neighbor (through Friendster). I composed myself not to expect any answer for I know from the very start it’s not going to progress into something I expect to happen. But still, I wait every day. Longing that one day, there would be that twist of fate that he may love secretly too. That just like in the movies, we will end up together but the end is we did not end up together at all. And the reply I have been waiting just set me to tears.

It is painful. It is silly. Stupid or whatever they may call it. I guess that is how the way you expect. It is like hoping that maybe just maybe everything will go your way. That someday it will come to you in the most unexpected way. A surprise or miracle perhaps. And then the disappointments that you fear coming will not be welcome anymore. Then there would be no pain and tears of a shattered hope.

So maybe they can say I am weak or too stupid to be smart in this kind of petty things. But once in a while or most of our lives, we do have that one great expectation. A hope in our heart that we long to see in reality. An assumption that one day we can believe to be truthful enough. And every once in a while we would encounter the pain of a disappointment...

I felt that. It is like my chest is pressed against the wall that I can no longer breathe. It is like my tears would never dry up anymore. It is all I ever wanted. It is the only thing I had put my hopes for. Maybe you can say that I am brave enough to still go on and expect for far better. But I guess, the more disappointment that was left behind a greater expectation can flourish.

So what if I get shattered at least I get to be whole again..

So you may think of me as a fool but behind my great expectations are painful disappointments yet still I bloom to a greater hope and believe in greater expectations...

**para kay 'Tay ^_^

No comments:

Post a Comment