Taste of Fear

It is still at the tip of my tongue. Fear. So this is how it feels and taste like. I cannot believe I would come face to face with it. I could not believe it was happening right in front of me. But there it was staring straight at me. I never like the fact that things will get out of control and to feel like my world suddenly made a sudden change. The days I planned would turn out to be a disaster because of one incident.

It happened in the wee hours of the morning. On my way to work and I feel so safe because you are not yet far from the neighborhood. Then there it was in the darkness along the ride, four men declared their evil deed. I was taken aback. I felt like it was just a big joke happening in front of me but it was the dreadful reality. One man got a gun but he did not point it at anyone in particular. Not even to me whom he got to grabbed my bag first. I think I was seeing everything in slow motion. The man took away all of my things. Everything I had that day. The rest of the passengers in the jeep did what they had to do to escape and save themselves.

I wanted to scream for help. I wanted to beg the man to just spare my other belongings. I wanted to run after them as I even saw the four of them running for their escape. I wanted to come after them but I was torn into pieces by fear. Torn if I would scream for help, or just cry helplessly. And there it was fear shrouding my being. I suddenly do not know what to do. I wanted to do something but I was frozen by fear. I was scared. I forgot that our house was just a run away from where I was. I forgot that I would have to run along a bridge just to reach home. I forgot that I was uncomfortable in crossing bridges. But fear was coming after me and so I ran home. My legs are so wobbly, I did not even think I can walk, but I found myself half-running and half-walking. As I ran home upstairs and called for Mama, the tears of my fear and helplessness burst out. I saw my whole family looking at me with scared and concerned eyes. My Papa, Mama, Ate, my younger brother and younger sister were all wide awake watching me cry and hearing my story. They knew I was always the weak one, I was a big cry baby in the family. As they saw me break down helplessly in front of them they knew I was in pain. I saw their love and concern for me. My Ate who was the strong one scolded me with concern . She told me I could still get back the things that were taken away from me and at least I did not go home drenched in my own blood. My younger brother held me on my shoulders and smoothed my back as I cry but I felt suddenly angry.

My fear turned into anger as I dried my tears. The things that I have earned so hard and cherished were suddenly taken away from me by just a bunch of morons who could not stretch their bones to get a job. I lost my things. The cellphone Papa bought for me when I got my first job was gone. My notebook where I jot down my random thoughts and feelings was also gone. I do not have much of material things to show off but I have much things that I cherished much in my bag that were taken away from me and the fact that I worked so hard for those things were infuriating. Then again I do not have the luxury of time to sulk into things I can never have anymore, to feel hatred to those four bastards who stole my things and to fear for another day of going to work in the wee hours of the morning. As my family and friends showered me with their love and support I know I can move on. It is kind of uncomfortable on telling each in everyone my dreadful story but it help me go on. I found myself smiling and even laughing about it.

I came to realize how less I value my life compared to those people around me. Sometimes we forget the simple things that matter. I realized how lucky I am to have this kind of family and a bunch of friends who are there in times like this. I forgot the fact that I am not really a materialistic person and I am used to not having anything. My Ate is right that I could still get back those things that were taken away from me but not the love and care which were showered to me by the people I cherished.

This is how I got the awful taste of fear.

Running Away

There are times I found myself sighing. Staring at nothing in particular. Suddenly, I felt tired. I realized I'd been busy with things I thought will make me happy. That I thought its all I ever wanted. But life made a sudden turn.

Life showed me I was with the wrong people and place. Every time I try to fit myself in I feel like I'm hurting myself. As much as I would like to stay. I was just being pushed away. I did all the best that I can do. I gave everything that I have but it seems that it is not enough. I don't want to feel tired. Be called a coward because I chose to give up. But I drown in my tears alone. Tried with my own effort and it led me to nowhere. I have no options left but to leave.

But does leaving will make any difference? Am I not going to be haunted with all of these memories? But this is the part where I should run away now. The happiness I long to keep and fought so hard was now eaten by the pain.

So I will run exhaust every energy that I have by running. I will run just to escape the pain. Hoping that you'll come running after me. I was torn between looking back just to see who is behind and staring ahead to see if I will came upon something.But I know that hope would not change the fact that we have reached the end. Hope would not bring us back together.

I did run and I was alone. I carry the burden of the pain. I rewind every memories that just kept dragging me back to the days I can no longer have. I cry hoping you are crying for me too. I let myself be eaten up by the sadness. Still longing for someone that I know will never be mine. I know I was stupid. You can call me crazy then. But just so you know, I run because it is the only way that can save me from this misery. I am sorry I need to escape. I need t do you a favor. I will love myself because we both know this is something you can never do.

And in running away, I found solace in pain. I was numb by the sadness. The tears I cried refreshed my shattered soul. I was loving myself on the way to the finish line.

*with Tatay Martin=D

Bittersweet

It is like my coffee. Most of my friends find it amazing how I can drink such a bitter coffee. The ones that you buy on vending machines which only has a creamer on it. They say it is too bitter but I find the blend perfect for my coffee. Anyways, that is how a coffee should always taste right? Bitter. You won't say you are drinking coffee unless it is bitter. But my coffee has its own sweetness because of the creamer, only a tinge of it though. So that is my coffee.

It is bittersweet as I may say. My life is like my bittersweet coffee. But I am scared that I see my life as too bitter nowadays. It’s not that good to see your life as much bitter than it being sweeter. In a moment I was this hopeful little child. Planning and seeing things my way. Hoping that it will come to life as I wanted it to be. So that's my taste of the sweet part.

Then I put some bitterness in it by myself. As I am giddy of the hoping part, I also get myself ready to the end of being disappointed. It is like being hopeful but not really into it totally. Like it is you who is raining on your own parade. Like ruining your own party. I don't know. It is not that I am scared to get hurt or disappointed its just that as early as I can I conditioned myself that these things I hope for will not happen. I am used to this. I am good at this, dealing with such kind of disappointment and getting nothing. I am a dreamer in all sense and I am also good in escaping in every nightmare. I am used to ghosts, goblins and monsters getting in my fairytale that sometimes it doesn't seem a fairytale anymore.

My coffee is now a black one. The creamer was kept stagnant at the bottom of my cup. I don't have the energy to stir so it would blend with my bitterness. I love my coffee but not really liking it these past few days. But what can my bittersweet coffee do? Bitter, that's what I'd become.

Sometimes the creamer goes to the surface of my coffee, with a little shaking.In an instant as I drink my coffee I got to taste its sweetness. I was surprised. Life suddenly gives me a thrill. It amazes me. As I gave up on tasting its sweetness,there it goes on my last sip.

Well, my life is really surprising in a way. It helps that if you are used to being bitter, the welcoming taste of sweetness always come as fresh thing. You got to savor it up to the very last drop. Maybe life doesn't want me to be bitter at all. My coffee doesn't want me to give up on drinking it. Maybe its scared that I would distaste it forever. I still love being bittersweet. I got to taste the best and the worst of both worlds.

Surprisingly bitter and surprisingly sweet, I guess that is how life is going to be as always. We all just have to deal with it. Life is as bittersweet as my coffee and most of the times is always on the bitter side.

I can say I have bittersweet love affair with life. Expectations and disappointments. Surprises and sweetness. Just pour me another cup and I'll drink it.

I Forget to Remember

I think the most painful thing to feel is the moment of being forgotten. In a snap you no longer exist in someone's world. It is the feeling even the dead ones who no longer walk the earth dread. When someone no longer cares and ignores you totally. Like for some who has been so familiar, you suddenly become a stranger. What if you only had known a world where that person has exist for a long time? When everyday, you go one because that someone was there. But then the world decided to turn the other way. The world you known have suddenly thrown you out of the picture. You become an alien. You are expatriated.

Luckily, as for my life no one has yet to forget me. Maybe someone already did. Maybe I am forgettable. As they always say there are some things that were meant to be forgotten. But for someone who choose to remember everything forgetting would be difficult and it is painful not to be remembered anymore by someone. I see random strangers every day, and I was blessed by the gift to remember faces. I am also good at names. I think I can still recognize a classmate back in kindergarten days when I bumped into them. Isn't that great? But then gain it is not always that great of a situation.

To remember is not always with a person, it would also mean events and the memories you had learn to cherish. It is sad when the moments you had kept will out of sudden be a hazy memory of the past. Fading away in time. Then you become the history, you lose control of the world you walk on. I am frightened when the life I remember I control will abruptly forget me and change everything I have lived for.

So I was really sad, like my heart could not believe it is really happening. My family is telling us to forget all we had and remember a new world. I cannot believe that I was scolding my parents the way they were scolding us back when we were just kids. It is my parents that were being childish and us, their children are being parental. As a family, we had been through a lot more than a normal family can tolerate. To even think of forgetting what we had is too much for me to bear. I cannot do that, but maybe there are times we must (again).

And even if they do choose to forget, I will choose to remember. Even if to remember is not always a blessing. But this is my gift. I will remember even if time chooses to erase me from someone. Or even if someone chooses to forget me. My heart will remember and will endure the pain of the memory of being forgotten.

I have always known that I am boring and forgettable. But I will try to exist; if not for someone's life but in the memory of this life I have. I will be around with time who endures the passing of every memories. If no one will, I would...

Put Your Faith in Me

Just when do you stop and when do you have to go. How do you know put your faith into something or someone who has left you with nothing but devastation? Just when would be right time to say you’ve had enough. To me losing faith is the most scary thing that could happen to oneself. When the time comes you no longer believe in everything or anything life has to offer you. Its like the time you put yourself on hold or like the time you don't want to feel anymore. I hate the feeling that I can no longer give my best to someone because I have lost my faith on it. I was suddenly tired and everything I do is half-hearted. I know it wasn't supposed to be that way because it wasn't that way before. I was betraying myself when I know I got more to give.

The feeling of pain can be the one main reason one has lost its faith into something. There would be so much hurting and lots of tears t dry the moment you lost the feeling you build to believe in someone. And that moment when you're in pain you get weak and feel so exhausted. You realize how many times and how hard you have tried to cling on to the very thin hope of holding on to something but nothing was returned. It's not that you are waiting for something in return but at least something. But I guess I was used of not receiving anything in return or just a simple gesture is fine.

Anyways, I had this thing on holding on to that little something, when I was close to giving up and something would happen to make me hope far more than before. A little something is all it took to make me turn my back and stay in my faith into someone. So again it is a stupid thing to do but these things are the signs that we hope for because we don't want to give u just yet. Yearning for something that might change everything and that after all it was all worth it in the end.

Then life was unfair, the very sign that you hold on to was nothing in the very beginning. With your best effort and taking those chances was all just a climax of nonsense. In the very edge of your glory you fell in the abyss of hopelessness. In the end, pain and tears were the only ones who were there all along. You were running along out of breathe hoping to reach the finish line which turned out to be a dead-end. And your faith in someone is just a tiny droplet of water which was not enough to quench the thirst of your exhaustion. The light that you see at the end of the tunnel seems to far for you to get into.

So some chose to sulk and be stagnant. What is the use of believing again and taking chances when it would all be put into waste in the end? I know it hurts and I know sometimes I would like to die now than die so many times because of making my faith whole again. But I get to be brave and be strong. I may have lost myself also but I still have a chance to find my way.I was there and all I have to do is get out of it. So what if I was hurt and I am not afraid to be weak and cry either. It makes me a better person. The faith I now hold on to does not need any signs or little things just to make me embrace it. Th true sense of it is just believing and taking the risks. No matter what people say. No matter what life gave you. No matter how painful it is just trust with the faith that somehow, somewhere, someone or something will all make it worthwhile. No regrets just simply putting your faith into it.

And it was just like putting your faith back to yourself...

And someone would put their faith in you...

Coming Back

It is hard for me to leave unless I am pushed away. When everybody is telling me to go I opt to stay. When there are no more reasons left to stay I still find my way to still be there. I try to find the good things in every situation for I don't want to feel regrets in the end. So you see by the the time I finally decided to leave, you already got the best of me. I can say I have exhausted everything.

I did find the good in goodbye. The light in leaving someone. It may take all my strength to get up and leave but I did. I was glad. I was suddenly proud of myself. I finally found the pride they are talking about. The self-worth that you didn't see. It become different though. I was not mad at leaving. I was just sad that it had to be this way. I was sad and clueless. I keep cracking my head on why do we ave to part when we should have just talk about it from the very beginning. But I guess both parties were sacred of the outcome or is it just me. There is something left unsaid and it was just left like that.The world was suddenly quiet and empty without that someone. I was thinking if you do feel the sadness, the emptiness that I feel but I guess you did not. Or maybe at the back of my head, wishing that you did...

With this kind of situation, is there a way f going back and staying the same. I have conditioned my mind that there is no coming back and tat we will totally out of each other's way. But then again, they are right you'll be coming back. Th world is alive again and I think I'm glad that what I expected (for the worst) did not happen. So it is true also that everything wold never be the same, I tried to remain the same but I found myself crying for the moment I can never have again. For the moment that was left undone. We are here. Back as we were before. But something has changed. Totally not the same. Still, it is a good difference.

To understand and accept that there are times that we need to leave so we can come back. To stay so we can learn to wait. And to change so we can understand...

So I expect

So they say it is stupid to wait for something that is never going to come. It is weak to long for someone you can never have. It is a work of a fool to hang on to someone you cannot expect something in return. Yet, we still do. We wait for it. We expect for it to happen. We long for it. But in the end we get hurt and just earned some disappointments.

Back when I was a kid expectations are just simple. I wait for my Papa to bring some treats when he went home from work. It is not every weekend that he would be home empty handed. My siblings and I grew up to now what we deserve and what we can have in the kind of life we are living. We are not affluent enough to throw tantrums whenever we cannot get what we want or poor enough to drool on things we cannot get. As early as this I learned to expect and to be disappointed in return. Let’s just say I got used to it. I don’t know this may be the part when my friends call me stupid or an idiot. Why do you have to cling on to something when you knew from the very start what it will get you in the very end?

Well, how do you stop when it is all you wanted?

So I once did a silly thing of telling my long hidden love to my cute neighbor (through Friendster). I composed myself not to expect any answer for I know from the very start it’s not going to progress into something I expect to happen. But still, I wait every day. Longing that one day, there would be that twist of fate that he may love secretly too. That just like in the movies, we will end up together but the end is we did not end up together at all. And the reply I have been waiting just set me to tears.

It is painful. It is silly. Stupid or whatever they may call it. I guess that is how the way you expect. It is like hoping that maybe just maybe everything will go your way. That someday it will come to you in the most unexpected way. A surprise or miracle perhaps. And then the disappointments that you fear coming will not be welcome anymore. Then there would be no pain and tears of a shattered hope.

So maybe they can say I am weak or too stupid to be smart in this kind of petty things. But once in a while or most of our lives, we do have that one great expectation. A hope in our heart that we long to see in reality. An assumption that one day we can believe to be truthful enough. And every once in a while we would encounter the pain of a disappointment...

I felt that. It is like my chest is pressed against the wall that I can no longer breathe. It is like my tears would never dry up anymore. It is all I ever wanted. It is the only thing I had put my hopes for. Maybe you can say that I am brave enough to still go on and expect for far better. But I guess, the more disappointment that was left behind a greater expectation can flourish.

So what if I get shattered at least I get to be whole again..

So you may think of me as a fool but behind my great expectations are painful disappointments yet still I bloom to a greater hope and believe in greater expectations...

**para kay 'Tay ^_^