A Notice and A Warning

(Note: I changed my blog title to make it more appropriate for myself of course.)

Warning: The following entry is just a swirl of thoughts and emotions that I cannot really organized as of the moment. Prepare to get dizzy or crazy.

I have felt how to be shocked in a pleasant way. God really has a way of surprising us everyday. I have lent an ear to a lot of friends this past few weeks also. I guess I am good at listening and I have the ability to really do listen. Every now and then there is a need for someone for somebody to hear them out. And I am (I think) that perfect somebody.

It is like being with a friend. I am so flattered (and it literally makes my heart flutter) because of being a trusted friend. Knowing that despite your differences in all ways it is so delightful on having your friends to trust you with their emotions and thoughts. It is so lovely a feeling.

I have trouble sleeping last night and I think my Ate is crying or she is just having a bad cold. I don't know. It just bothers me. She is just texting someone and I told her to please put her phone on silent mode. I remembered Mama saying that my sister can get married and I told her that I would also. But I do not think Mama took me seriously. Oh,well.

I think I am really a magnet to those people whom I can feel who needs me. One close friend told me that I was sensitive. I went to ask if my being sensitive is sometimes in overrated already. But I guess this how I am. I bother and think too much even if no one really cares. I see things and hear them. I do not respond through violent reactions but I keep silent most of the time and just understand the way life goes.

I also bought a new book, which practically inspired the changes here, in my blog. It is a book by Stephen Chbosky. I promise to write a review about it. Also the Breaking Dawn pandemonium is here and I was hooked. Twilight is finally is nearing its dawn. It is funny that it is only to the fourth installment that I get to appreciate how perfectly Robert Pattinson fits the character of Edward Cullen. Let us just forget Kirsten Stewart maybe I will appreciate her on the part two

Plus, if I get to be a vampire I think my sensitiveness would now go overrated.

Lighten Up

Let me lighten up my blog before everyone thinks that this is the blog of a suicidal. So I found this old note of a supposed to be blog back in college. The ink on the paper was already fading out but glad it was still readable. It is a list of things that fascinates me and make me happy. Here it goes:


Fireworks. Brilliant is the mind behind those fireworks. I am always fascinated by those glaring lights that took different colors and shapes as they shattered into the sky.

Fountains. I remember being at awe always at fountains. Whenever my parents brought us at the mall or at the park, they would always find me stuck in watching the waters spurting everywhere at a fountain. I love it especially at night, when they had those lights dancing along with the water. It makes me feel like a child again.

Fairytale. My little sister used to have this hard-bound Disney Cinderella book. I kept on reading it though the pages were already torn and there are scribbles on the pages by my sister. It makes me believe in magic and wonders behind this cruel world.

Bread and Fries. I would say that bread and french fries are few of the long list of the comfort food I love to eat during my "down days". Bread and french fries would be at the top of my list. I could never go sulky with these food in my mouth.

Moon and Stars. I am always drawn by the moon's light and the bizarre feeling it gives me. Or it is because it makes me a lunatic just what research says when it is in full moon. For me it is the most mysterious heavenly body for me. I was fascinated staring at stars also, especially when I learned that each has its own color and they also age and die eventually.

Rain. To some, if it rains it would ruin their day but for me I always love the rain. Though it is really annoying to go to work on a rainy day it is still refreshing to feel the drizzle on your skin. I used to think that God is sad when it rains.

Book and Writing. I tried to remember how I learn the basics of reading and writing. I wonder if my aunt who taught me how to read and write had a hard time before. But I thank her for her patience because I found the joy of reading and pouring out my emotions through writing. At home, it would difficult for my mother to make me do household chores once they saw me on my corner reading or writing something.

Trees. When I was a kid, I dreamed of becoming a tree. In a way I don't need to go somewhere else and just stay in one place forever. It is just sad that as much as a tree would like to stay, people took them away. They don't have a choice but to die.

Dusk and Dawn. When the sun sets or rises it is like watching a beginning and an end. I love the scene when the sky blend into different shades of color signaling the start of the day or welcoming the dark of the night. Reminding us that another day has ended and to hope for a wonderful beginning.

Dogs and Dolphins. I grew up in a household who are fond of dogs. So I am a certified dog lover. I also loved dolphins. I was amazed upon learning that once a dolphin finds a mate they would stay with each other for forever. Sometimes I have a feeling that I was a dolphin or a dog in my past life.

OneRepublic - Good Life (AOL Sessions)

"Good Life"

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Oh yeah
Good, good life
Good life
Ooh

Listen
My friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

Taste of Fear

It is still at the tip of my tongue. Fear. So this is how it feels and taste like. I cannot believe I would come face to face with it. I could not believe it was happening right in front of me. But there it was staring straight at me. I never like the fact that things will get out of control and to feel like my world suddenly made a sudden change. The days I planned would turn out to be a disaster because of one incident.

It happened in the wee hours of the morning. On my way to work and I feel so safe because you are not yet far from the neighborhood. Then there it was in the darkness along the ride, four men declared their evil deed. I was taken aback. I felt like it was just a big joke happening in front of me but it was the dreadful reality. One man got a gun but he did not point it at anyone in particular. Not even to me whom he got to grabbed my bag first. I think I was seeing everything in slow motion. The man took away all of my things. Everything I had that day. The rest of the passengers in the jeep did what they had to do to escape and save themselves.

I wanted to scream for help. I wanted to beg the man to just spare my other belongings. I wanted to run after them as I even saw the four of them running for their escape. I wanted to come after them but I was torn into pieces by fear. Torn if I would scream for help, or just cry helplessly. And there it was fear shrouding my being. I suddenly do not know what to do. I wanted to do something but I was frozen by fear. I was scared. I forgot that our house was just a run away from where I was. I forgot that I would have to run along a bridge just to reach home. I forgot that I was uncomfortable in crossing bridges. But fear was coming after me and so I ran home. My legs are so wobbly, I did not even think I can walk, but I found myself half-running and half-walking. As I ran home upstairs and called for Mama, the tears of my fear and helplessness burst out. I saw my whole family looking at me with scared and concerned eyes. My Papa, Mama, Ate, my younger brother and younger sister were all wide awake watching me cry and hearing my story. They knew I was always the weak one, I was a big cry baby in the family. As they saw me break down helplessly in front of them they knew I was in pain. I saw their love and concern for me. My Ate who was the strong one scolded me with concern . She told me I could still get back the things that were taken away from me and at least I did not go home drenched in my own blood. My younger brother held me on my shoulders and smoothed my back as I cry but I felt suddenly angry.

My fear turned into anger as I dried my tears. The things that I have earned so hard and cherished were suddenly taken away from me by just a bunch of morons who could not stretch their bones to get a job. I lost my things. The cellphone Papa bought for me when I got my first job was gone. My notebook where I jot down my random thoughts and feelings was also gone. I do not have much of material things to show off but I have much things that I cherished much in my bag that were taken away from me and the fact that I worked so hard for those things were infuriating. Then again I do not have the luxury of time to sulk into things I can never have anymore, to feel hatred to those four bastards who stole my things and to fear for another day of going to work in the wee hours of the morning. As my family and friends showered me with their love and support I know I can move on. It is kind of uncomfortable on telling each in everyone my dreadful story but it help me go on. I found myself smiling and even laughing about it.

I came to realize how less I value my life compared to those people around me. Sometimes we forget the simple things that matter. I realized how lucky I am to have this kind of family and a bunch of friends who are there in times like this. I forgot the fact that I am not really a materialistic person and I am used to not having anything. My Ate is right that I could still get back those things that were taken away from me but not the love and care which were showered to me by the people I cherished.

This is how I got the awful taste of fear.

Running Away

There are times I found myself sighing. Staring at nothing in particular. Suddenly, I felt tired. I realized I'd been busy with things I thought will make me happy. That I thought its all I ever wanted. But life made a sudden turn.

Life showed me I was with the wrong people and place. Every time I try to fit myself in I feel like I'm hurting myself. As much as I would like to stay. I was just being pushed away. I did all the best that I can do. I gave everything that I have but it seems that it is not enough. I don't want to feel tired. Be called a coward because I chose to give up. But I drown in my tears alone. Tried with my own effort and it led me to nowhere. I have no options left but to leave.

But does leaving will make any difference? Am I not going to be haunted with all of these memories? But this is the part where I should run away now. The happiness I long to keep and fought so hard was now eaten by the pain.

So I will run exhaust every energy that I have by running. I will run just to escape the pain. Hoping that you'll come running after me. I was torn between looking back just to see who is behind and staring ahead to see if I will came upon something.But I know that hope would not change the fact that we have reached the end. Hope would not bring us back together.

I did run and I was alone. I carry the burden of the pain. I rewind every memories that just kept dragging me back to the days I can no longer have. I cry hoping you are crying for me too. I let myself be eaten up by the sadness. Still longing for someone that I know will never be mine. I know I was stupid. You can call me crazy then. But just so you know, I run because it is the only way that can save me from this misery. I am sorry I need to escape. I need t do you a favor. I will love myself because we both know this is something you can never do.

And in running away, I found solace in pain. I was numb by the sadness. The tears I cried refreshed my shattered soul. I was loving myself on the way to the finish line.

*with Tatay Martin=D

Bittersweet

It is like my coffee. Most of my friends find it amazing how I can drink such a bitter coffee. The ones that you buy on vending machines which only has a creamer on it. They say it is too bitter but I find the blend perfect for my coffee. Anyways, that is how a coffee should always taste right? Bitter. You won't say you are drinking coffee unless it is bitter. But my coffee has its own sweetness because of the creamer, only a tinge of it though. So that is my coffee.

It is bittersweet as I may say. My life is like my bittersweet coffee. But I am scared that I see my life as too bitter nowadays. It’s not that good to see your life as much bitter than it being sweeter. In a moment I was this hopeful little child. Planning and seeing things my way. Hoping that it will come to life as I wanted it to be. So that's my taste of the sweet part.

Then I put some bitterness in it by myself. As I am giddy of the hoping part, I also get myself ready to the end of being disappointed. It is like being hopeful but not really into it totally. Like it is you who is raining on your own parade. Like ruining your own party. I don't know. It is not that I am scared to get hurt or disappointed its just that as early as I can I conditioned myself that these things I hope for will not happen. I am used to this. I am good at this, dealing with such kind of disappointment and getting nothing. I am a dreamer in all sense and I am also good in escaping in every nightmare. I am used to ghosts, goblins and monsters getting in my fairytale that sometimes it doesn't seem a fairytale anymore.

My coffee is now a black one. The creamer was kept stagnant at the bottom of my cup. I don't have the energy to stir so it would blend with my bitterness. I love my coffee but not really liking it these past few days. But what can my bittersweet coffee do? Bitter, that's what I'd become.

Sometimes the creamer goes to the surface of my coffee, with a little shaking.In an instant as I drink my coffee I got to taste its sweetness. I was surprised. Life suddenly gives me a thrill. It amazes me. As I gave up on tasting its sweetness,there it goes on my last sip.

Well, my life is really surprising in a way. It helps that if you are used to being bitter, the welcoming taste of sweetness always come as fresh thing. You got to savor it up to the very last drop. Maybe life doesn't want me to be bitter at all. My coffee doesn't want me to give up on drinking it. Maybe its scared that I would distaste it forever. I still love being bittersweet. I got to taste the best and the worst of both worlds.

Surprisingly bitter and surprisingly sweet, I guess that is how life is going to be as always. We all just have to deal with it. Life is as bittersweet as my coffee and most of the times is always on the bitter side.

I can say I have bittersweet love affair with life. Expectations and disappointments. Surprises and sweetness. Just pour me another cup and I'll drink it.

I Forget to Remember

I think the most painful thing to feel is the moment of being forgotten. In a snap you no longer exist in someone's world. It is the feeling even the dead ones who no longer walk the earth dread. When someone no longer cares and ignores you totally. Like for some who has been so familiar, you suddenly become a stranger. What if you only had known a world where that person has exist for a long time? When everyday, you go one because that someone was there. But then the world decided to turn the other way. The world you known have suddenly thrown you out of the picture. You become an alien. You are expatriated.

Luckily, as for my life no one has yet to forget me. Maybe someone already did. Maybe I am forgettable. As they always say there are some things that were meant to be forgotten. But for someone who choose to remember everything forgetting would be difficult and it is painful not to be remembered anymore by someone. I see random strangers every day, and I was blessed by the gift to remember faces. I am also good at names. I think I can still recognize a classmate back in kindergarten days when I bumped into them. Isn't that great? But then gain it is not always that great of a situation.

To remember is not always with a person, it would also mean events and the memories you had learn to cherish. It is sad when the moments you had kept will out of sudden be a hazy memory of the past. Fading away in time. Then you become the history, you lose control of the world you walk on. I am frightened when the life I remember I control will abruptly forget me and change everything I have lived for.

So I was really sad, like my heart could not believe it is really happening. My family is telling us to forget all we had and remember a new world. I cannot believe that I was scolding my parents the way they were scolding us back when we were just kids. It is my parents that were being childish and us, their children are being parental. As a family, we had been through a lot more than a normal family can tolerate. To even think of forgetting what we had is too much for me to bear. I cannot do that, but maybe there are times we must (again).

And even if they do choose to forget, I will choose to remember. Even if to remember is not always a blessing. But this is my gift. I will remember even if time chooses to erase me from someone. Or even if someone chooses to forget me. My heart will remember and will endure the pain of the memory of being forgotten.

I have always known that I am boring and forgettable. But I will try to exist; if not for someone's life but in the memory of this life I have. I will be around with time who endures the passing of every memories. If no one will, I would...