Thursday, September 16, 2010

SAD vs. Happy vs. SAD

When sadness swept your way, it's like its never going to leave you

When happiness comes your way, it feels like it's never going to last.

When sadness comes my way it feels like its never going to leave. It is like eating me alive drying my eyes out because of the never ending tears. It’s like there is something hollow in my chest that needs some air to contain the emptiness. There is something needed to be filled up but there's no one out there to help you. I really can’t tell the feeling it gave me when so much sadness fills my deteriorating heart. These passed few days and most of the time I feel like my chest is pressed hard against the wall. I know something is wrong that I cannot explain. Before I just cry my heart out, sometimes out of nowhere I can burst out my tears just like that. But the day finally came that I cannot cry anymore. Am I really sad or my tears are just fed up to fall again and again? I found myself scolding my heart not to be sad and don’t start crying.

When I am happy, it’s about the simple, little things done in the most unexpected way I could never imagine. My happiness comes in a shallow way but I can almost cry because I am overjoyed. When I laugh, I don’t force it. It is easy to make me laugh. I smile and laugh genuinely, and you know I am happy. Just make me laugh and I am happy. But I can’t always laugh all the time. The funny moments fade away eventually. It’s not going to last long. I am always scared to be happy. I have a notion that when I am happy for so long, something bad will soon be raining on my happiness. It feels like I don’t deserve it because it is always taken away from me. That’s why I learned to savor the much unexpected moments when happiness comes my way, because it might be over soon. I will never know when it will come my way again.

Maybe I have learned to take in sadness as much as I want it to go soon. I have mastered the art of taking it all in until it gets the worst of my pain and tears. Then eventually, it will go as soon as it feels and see that I have enough of the gloomy feeling. Until it had taken all that it can take away from me.

Maybe I feel that I don’t deserve to be happy because I am scared of being happy in the first place. It is like I am depriving myself that I can be happy. I don’t know. I am just scared. I feel sorry for my heart because it can contain more sadness as much as it would like to feel more rapture.

I am sad. I am happy. Most of the time surviving the gloom and holding on to my happy moments…

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