Void

I often find myself thinking over something a little too much. I tend to over analyze and end up confusing my own mind. So when I started looking from afar and went blank, I felt scared. I do not feel normal. I know there is something wrong. It is not bleak or confusing at all, my mind just went blank even my feelings.

To be hollow is too deep a word. It is also way too much frightening to feel vacant in some part of my life. It is still normal to feel the emptiness. When suddenly the random thing you are so familiar with felt exhausting. But really, it is not exhausting but it just seems meaningless. There was this one night that I found myself crying because of one question that I do not have the answer. They say I always know about certain things. They are wrong. There is one query that always sends me to tears or just put me into mum mode. I was trying to evade that question. Luckily, there are not too much people who had asked me that question. Well, maybe I do not look the type who needs to answer that question. The truth is I am scared because I do not have an answer myself.

The question is: what is it that you really want in life? I feel like I am the most stupid person in the world because I cannot answer that question. I would love to answer it but I know at the back of my mind it is far from the reality of me. I know I would be a hypocrite if I do not want something in life. I really have a lot in my mind and so let me just spill it out. I would really love to have a DSLR camera and took pictures about anything. I would love to explore London and Paris. I would love to learn to speak French. I also loved to get a second degree, maybe International Studies or Literature or Foreign Languages. I would also love to join a cause and be a proud crusader of maybe the environment, social awareness or something that I can offer my help. I can also include some ridiculous dreams when I was a child. I wanted to learn ballet, or be a figure skater; be a pianist or a gymnast. So you can forget the dreams because that was a fruit of some childish dreams. It is a far cry from where I am now.

I know it is wrong to blame life or what I am in the society if I was finding it hard to get what I want in life. I can never blame my family for being poor and just giving me what will suffice for me and my siblings. At a young age, I have learned to be contented and bear in my mind that not all that I want in life is what I will need. My parents instill in me that what you need will be enough and sacrificing what you really want for the better. But here comes the emptiness. There is always the satisfaction that cannot be filled by just a mere need. Human being will always want something or anything. Some lose their way and fail at the end because they seek their wants on a wrong road and on a wrong purpose. A want can be a need if we only know how to keep our heart and mind glued to what really matters. I maybe sounding like a preacher right now or a self-righteous person but I know I am also weak. There are a lot of times that I want to be selfish and just what I want. But my life is not always easy like the others. I know how it is sacrifice and let your happiness set aside so others can be happy. I do not always have the easy way.

And yes, because of what I want being set aside I feel so empty and void about my life.  I was always asking myself if this would do and gratify my wants. The answer was right in front of me all along. Again I may sound pompous. The void that I encounter was there because I failed to make myself happy with what I do best; being a good daughter, a sister and a friend. The void was swallowing me for I feel I have not done my part with the people around me. It may sound annoying to just stay nice but this is me and I am good at it. This I what fulfill my being. Eventually, what I want will come to me in God’s time. As they all good things come to those who wait. And a void will be there so it can be filled up.