Dream.Imagine.Expect

I always have a huge or wide imagination. I think too much. I ponder too long. I just bugged myself too much of everything.

Maybe I dream too much. In the end it was just an imagination full of expectations.

When I was a kid, I always thought I am some princess taken away from my real parents. I was imagining that one day, when I got home from school; some black limousine with the seal of a royal family will be there at the busy sidewalk near our house. As I came of age, I imagine I would be recruited in the CIA and would be a femme fatale spy. I even saw myself as a Broadway singer or a prima ballerina. I become everyone in my head.

But then it just stays stuck in my big wide world of my imagination. It never came out in the real cruel world. I learned from one of my dear friend that "imagination seems reality". The gullible in me, readily believe that. I always tend to believe on the things and sayings most especially if I haven’t heard it before. I started to imagine a lot about life.

And as I grow older I imagine a lot of love…

I imagine that this guy will soon would be kneeling before me and will confess his undying love. That one day he can no longer stand it whenever he passes my way, and would swept me into his arms with a lingering kiss on my mouth. That one day my smiles would be the only things he misses and long each day. That one day my love would and my presence would be the only thing that matters to him. But that one day does not really matter.

For that one day never came…

Even though that day never came to my expectations, I still imagine that one day it will become reality. I hold on to that saying. This time as I try to imagine, I add up my expectations. I tend to think that my imagination would be reflecting in my expectations. But as my imaginations are failure my expectations are my nightmare. I hold on to the time that it will be there right in front of my eyes. The day I longed so much to happen will come to reality. But life is always harsh, when I am almost there I would suddenly come crashing down. It is like a precious thing that you fought so hard to keep but it will be taken away from you just like that.

I dreamed too much, it hurts too much to see it’s never going to come true at all. I imagine too much that reality never came. I expect too much that the true world sucks already for me.

SAD vs. Happy vs. SAD

When sadness swept your way, it's like its never going to leave you

When happiness comes your way, it feels like it's never going to last.

When sadness comes my way it feels like its never going to leave. It is like eating me alive drying my eyes out because of the never ending tears. It’s like there is something hollow in my chest that needs some air to contain the emptiness. There is something needed to be filled up but there's no one out there to help you. I really can’t tell the feeling it gave me when so much sadness fills my deteriorating heart. These passed few days and most of the time I feel like my chest is pressed hard against the wall. I know something is wrong that I cannot explain. Before I just cry my heart out, sometimes out of nowhere I can burst out my tears just like that. But the day finally came that I cannot cry anymore. Am I really sad or my tears are just fed up to fall again and again? I found myself scolding my heart not to be sad and don’t start crying.

When I am happy, it’s about the simple, little things done in the most unexpected way I could never imagine. My happiness comes in a shallow way but I can almost cry because I am overjoyed. When I laugh, I don’t force it. It is easy to make me laugh. I smile and laugh genuinely, and you know I am happy. Just make me laugh and I am happy. But I can’t always laugh all the time. The funny moments fade away eventually. It’s not going to last long. I am always scared to be happy. I have a notion that when I am happy for so long, something bad will soon be raining on my happiness. It feels like I don’t deserve it because it is always taken away from me. That’s why I learned to savor the much unexpected moments when happiness comes my way, because it might be over soon. I will never know when it will come my way again.

Maybe I have learned to take in sadness as much as I want it to go soon. I have mastered the art of taking it all in until it gets the worst of my pain and tears. Then eventually, it will go as soon as it feels and see that I have enough of the gloomy feeling. Until it had taken all that it can take away from me.

Maybe I feel that I don’t deserve to be happy because I am scared of being happy in the first place. It is like I am depriving myself that I can be happy. I don’t know. I am just scared. I feel sorry for my heart because it can contain more sadness as much as it would like to feel more rapture.

I am sad. I am happy. Most of the time surviving the gloom and holding on to my happy moments…

A Time

Sometimes there is a real need to give time to yourself. A time to ponder on things you have done and will be able to do for yourself. Sometimes you just have to let it go and be who you want to be.

I always came to a point that suddenly I do not know what I want anymore. Wherein, I was suddenly clueless, why I was here or what I am doing here. I lost purpose and the dreadful thing is I lost all the will to continue. It is like crossroads, you remember you chose this path but you cannot remember anymore why you did in the first place. I do sometimes think that I am sick in the head or in the heart. I know for the fact that I was not making the right choices and the right things yet I still continue not knowing that it will destroy me in the end.

I know I have to run away to somewhere where I can only think of nothing but myself and be selfish for one time or maybe for a long time for my own good. It’s not that bad that for one you have to earn something for yourself that no one can take away. Maybe the prides that I have always have struggled to have and save so I won’t think little of myself.

I want to runaway. I remember when I was just kid, there was an instance that I suddenly packed some of my clothes in a plastic bag and planned to run away that night. I just got a good scold from my mother. I was awake all night and was waiting for the time when everybody is fast asleep and I can sneak out to the outside world. But I was never out the door, until now I was safely in the inside waiting for the outside to come and fetch me. Just to see what it’s like to be out there. Free to runaway and be myself alone.

Big Sis

So many things has been said and done and yet here I am. I cried so much. I laugh so hard. These passed few months has been a blur and somewhat gave me a crystal clear view of life. I got to lose myself along the way and then found it again in the end.

I always care too much about the world and I didn’t even know I was losing myself. I need someone to help me bang myself against the wall so I can see the reality of what I am doing.

This I write for my big sister/bestfriend Ate Joanne.

She was the reality of my insane life. If she is not there, I am still losing myself along the way. I would never know how to pick myself up and to ponder on the silly things I’ve been doing because of love and life in general. If I am not afraid of her pulling my hair off or shaving it off, I would never learn to be selfish and think of myself more. I would never learn how to earn pride for myself which I never really have most of the time.

Our long talks and support to each other makes me sane when I am crazy. I am thankful that she dragged me to somewhere else where I finally found the world where I think will give me growth and time for myself.

Merci beau coup, ate Joanne..^_^

My come back to my blogging world is for you. My first entry after a long time is for you..^_~

Someday

Do I love from behind? Am I scared of falling in love? All I know is I am not. For even though, I know that it may lead me to Heartbreak Boulevard I still walk along the path of love.

I was never scared though I take the pain alone; I was not frightened to love. My friend told me I was loving again from behind. He said I was hurting myself again. I laughed sarcastically and said I am a masochist. Suddenly, I was teary-eyed....

If all the guys whom I loved from behind only knew, they would know how lucky they are to feel my love. Still, nobody cares and most of the time they choose to ignore it. I guess I always fell for the wrong person or for the wrong moment of time. I never regret it anyway.This is the love I chose to have and this is the pain I chose to endure. It is just that it is only I that I who feels everything and anything. I think there is nothing wrong with that. When you knew you from the start it will lead you nowhere, you choose to love from behind. Silently but full of actions. I just make them feel me no matter how they chose to ignore it. I think I am used to that. Maybe that is why I do not picture myself on dreaming of walking down the aisle.

Like when my Papa told me that someday when I met a guy, he should be worth it, and I just went, "I am not going to marry, I'm just going to get myself pregnant and have a baby on my own". Papa blurted, "Gago!". I think every father wants their daughter to be happy with a man someday like how they made their daughters happy. My Papa just wanted to see me happy in a way. But right now, I am happy that I have two men in my life who would never hurt me; my Papa and Dodick.

My friend told me to stop loving from behind because I am hurting myself. I told him that was easy of him to say because I am not like him. Like him, who has never felt rejection before. I think everyone loves him. Easy for him to say, because no one would say no to him . I only wish I can be like him. I have earned the courage before of telling someone I loved but only earn rejection but still that never gave me a stop to love and feel love.

It is never right to surrender your faith in love just because you are scared or you are hurt. It is never right to feel exhaustion in love though it gives you the bleakest of hope, you should have faith in someday. You will never know that somewhere, somehow along the way someday may bring your someone...Your somebody to love...

Beautiful

When the people you know suddenly sees you in a way they don't expect you to be. Two things: it is either the like it or loathe it.

I had a recent 'tampo' on my friends about the picture I posted on my FB profile. My friend who photographed me was so proud of that picture. He said I must always dress and looked that way. He was so elated about the comments my picture earned from my friends and random people. Then there was a comment about the editing of the picture. I don't understand it at first but anyways it is about the technical. Then I got a chat message from another friend that my picture is obviously edited and then she goes that my it was not me at all. That my head was just put on that body. I got offended. Then my friend who took the picture left a comment that he did not edit much of it but just the background. There is another comment of apology from the friend who said that wasn't my body. Another comment again that was a reply from my friend's comment who got offended. It was already pissing me off. It was not a big deal to me at all about their comment on the editing but the fact that it was already going to be a big issue annoyed me. I decided to delete the picture, to stop whatever misunderstandings that might erupt.

I admit I was hurt a bit. It was just a picture. I felt that they just don't like it. Is it a big deal that it was edited? Most of the pictures nowadays were edited? I told this sentiment to my other friends, and they said that they can just say they like it or not. I was never used earning praises and people telling that I am beautiful. This picture boost my fading in and fading out self-esteem. But with those comments, I felt that my other friends don't like the changes I am going through. I am still me no matter what. I was thinking that with that picture they think I am not the same old me they used to know. I am me. I was just trying to be better for myself. It is seldom anyway that I try new things to better myself. I am hurt by the feelings those comments gave me. It is not that I am too over-reacting about the editing issue it is about the fact that they don't want to embrace the changes I am going through. It is like it is not so me to be like that. It is like I am not worthy to change.

I n the end, they felt I was really hurt and they did apologize. I am happy again.

Still, am I beautiful? Like it or loathe it?

STAY

Why do we have to part ways and say the word goodbye? Why is there a need to let go, when it's all you ever wanted?

I am scared to say goodbye and let go but when it is the right thing to do that pains me a lot. There are a lot of situation wherein you have to let go and leave for good. It is not about relationship only; it is in all aspects of life.

As young as we are, we learn to say goodbye to the shallowest reason of it. And as we grew older we get to taste the bitterness and the deepest mark it bestowed upon us.

I learned to let go of petty material things that were already broken and can no longer be apart of me as I grow old. But it is hard for me, if I took so much care of that thing and something will happen to keep me apart from it. I get too attached, that’s it.

Maybe, that is my fault on the word goodbye. It is hard because I attached myself too much. It’s like never giving up and clinging on to it until time makes you feel that it’s time to go. It is so difficult, that you gave your all just to stay but in the end you will have to let go. People get tired also and there is always a need to move on. It is just so sad that when you go nobody cares. When goodbye is there, nobody dares to follow. They think you are a coward on giving up. They just don’t know that to stay together is a compromise. Just like the things you have taken care of, you should also take care of the people that life gave you.

Goodbye and letting go is painful, it is just that somehow, somewhere you just have to learn to see yourself again that you lost. I don’t think it is a coward thing to let go, it is the bravest thing to do.

It is the will to stay, when you say goodbye…