Who was I when it wasn't Me

It Wasnt Me
(100414)

There I was but its someone else curse
I was running along the rough,ragged course
I was walking, carrying on with a burst
But it wasnt me, it was someone's thirst

There i was but it wasnt my smile
I was happy for they've walk a mile
I was sad, as I heard them cry
I was feeling it,but it was very dry

There i was overwhelmed with some love
For they were lovely as a soaring dove
My heart on their own sweet story
But it wasnt me, it was just me feeling sorry

There i was watching the good life
I was there with every neverending strife
I was there with every grin and hello
But you see, it was me I dont know

There I was feeling empty but deep
There I was knowing, dreaming asleep
There I was a hollow in someone's shadow
There I was dreading, wading in the fallow

Dear Death

I was reading My Sister's Keeper and I got swept off by the story. Then the next thing I observed I got a bruise on my leg and just as it will fade out, another one popped out at the back of my leg. What follows was that I told my mother that if I ever have cancer, I won't undergo medication because I am going to die anyway. So that leads me to talk about death.

About a couple of weeks ago, my youngest sister got sick and my mother was afraid that she might have dengue again. My sister was crying because of body pain and I don't think that I could cry like that because of body pain. I decided that I have high tolerance on pain. So I told God to make my sister well and that God could have just given me the pain instead.

I remembered what Bella said in the novel Twilight about dying in replacement of someone you love seems like a good way to go. I fully agreed to it. At least, as you drew your last breathe; you have known the purpose of your life. When everyone was still clueless about what to do in their life and mostly fearing death, but when you give yours to save another it's pretty heroic.

I was praying to God, and as well sending out a plea to death; to take my life in replacement of someone. It may sound like that I don’t value my life but really, I think the best value you can give your life is to make it worthwhile for someone else's life. This may sound then too self-righteous and that I am so self-less. I don't know it’s just that I don’t have anything to fear about pain or death. We will all die anyway and as what the Bible says, the life that we had on earth is just a preparation of another journey after we die. I believe that how you live your life on earth will determine what you will be on whatever is in store for all of us after we die.

It’s not that I am playing safe with my life.  I had my own fallback and shortcomings. I had my great taste of pain, sorrow, happiness, and love. I mean life is so great  even though there were cruel times. There is nothing to fear about death when you have lead an awesome journey in life.

Broken Ones

Broken to pieces; we all were at some point. Some people chose to heal. Some just stayed into pieces. There are some who chose to break other people. Some chose to fix others. I can say I am the later part. 

I know how hard it is to pick yourself when you're already in pieces. The most difficult part is of there is no one there to be with you so you can be whole again. I'd been there and I'd done that. And I chose to fix and heal others. Even though some people are hard to put back together or worst they were not meant to be put together. Sometimes you do not need to fix them at all. You just have to help them realized the point to put oneself back as a whole again. For that, I can be the one who will be there. I guess I love the broken ones or I am just a magnet to them.

Indeed, I am proud to say that I am a fixer. I have talked about fixing before and I can say I am pretty good at it. But the down part is like what you feel when you get that thing already fixed; they will be gone before you know it. You will be content on watching them from a distance or from a very far horizon. You're like a fond mother seeing your child braving the life you know he deserves in flying colors. You will find yourself like an anonymous sponsor smiling amidst the proud crowd of the person who just blew them away with a performance. In time being proud is all that you can feel and be for yourself.

I feel elated that somehow I had influenced someone. Somehow I had made a big difference in someone's life. In some way, I was able to fill up a void that's been breaking someone apart. Somewhere I was able to stand by someone when everybody else had walked away from them. In some time, I was able to share a moment that maybe remembered forever.

In time, I would feel overjoyed over something that made a purpose in my life. As time goes by, I would feel like a mother letting goof her child who is ready in his own. It would be like at the back row seat of his great performance; unnoticed. Oftentimes, I would wonder why things like that would happen. But it is just the way it is. Life goes on and we had to get a move on. It is not like they owe you something. Yet, I am expecting something from it. I am left confused but not shattered by the fact that I am they drifted away. Or maybe it's just me feeling alone. 

It should be that when the broken ones that you've put together as a whole again, it would finally seep in. I thought I would be good as new again just like what they are. But once you separate from them, you will feel and remember something.

It was me; the real one. I thought I was able to survived it. Somehow I was able to. I was able to feel them as they turn from a broken one to a whole one at last. Yet, I was just escaping and I was it the whole time. I am confused because I was it all along; the broken one...

Schindler's List (Movie Review)

                                               “The list is life…”

See it in black and white. See the harrowing experience of the Jews during the Nazi colonization in Krakow, Poland. Young and old, women and children; no one was spared from the terror of the Nazi Army of Adolf Hitler. 

The war has brought the worst in everyone but one man chose to save the lives of many people during the dark moment of their lives. He was Oskar Schindler (Liam Neeson),  a businessman who chose to give salvation to those Jews who feared for their lives in the Nazi regime.  It was the height of the Nazi occupation where the army beat the Polish forces in just two weeks and the Jews were forced out of their homes to register and lived in settlement areas along with other families. It was then Schindler decided to open up business and took advantage on cheap labor he could get with the Jews. The war brought him lucrative income but the worst has yet to come as SS Lieutenant Amon Goeth (Ralph Fiennes) arrived in Krakow, Poland. Soon  the Jews were forced again to live out of the settlement areas and then come the life in the ghetto. Schindler saw the killings that took place and the streets were flooded in blood as the bodies filed up on the roads. People working at Schindler's factory found a haven as more lives were saved through his bribes and connection with SS officers. As the war takes it turn, the remaining Jews were going to be shift to Auschwitz concentration camp were most of the Jews met their death with what they call the "Final Solution". Then comes the Schindler's list which was the Jews ticket to salvation and had caused Schindler his fortune .Thus, comprise the 1,100 list of Schindler's Jews.

 

This 1993 classic Steven Spielberg won an Academy for Best Picture. In the year 1993, I was just starting my grade school and as I grow old I have know my history and the stories that revolved around the tormented innocent lives of the Jews during the World War II. A lot of times, I found myself looking away from the screen as the scene shows a soldier just shooting people like they were stray animals. Sir Liam Neeson had blown me away in this movie. He gave justice to the Schindler character perfectly. It was a poignant scene were Schindler cried in front of his Jews for he knew he could have save more lives. Ralph Fiennes was really scary as he plays the disturb lieutenant who just shoot Jews in his concentration camp as he wakes up in the morning. This movie was no doubt the Best Picture for the Academy, for it recounts the horror and suffering of a lot of innocent Jews. The movie also shows us that power is not about having the authority over a group of people and being able to implement the law. Power is having the courage to find in your heart and conscience to pardon the shortcomings of your people and be responsible for them. 

It would take a great power of courage to be like Schindler during those times but he did. Though he know he has nothing to do with those people he still chose to be right and take the daring move to save the lives of thousand Jews.

"Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire..."

 

A Love in Time

I was never the pursuing type or I guess thew courting type. I am not your striking beauty that will make you drop the thongs that you were holding because you are dazzled by my presence. But then, I would like to dazzle someone like that. 

You were walking along and just thinking of ordinary stuff and suddenly I came your way. All of a sudden everything around you went into low motion and you could only hear the beating of your heart. Right then and there, you know that there us something about me that will make your beat for a lifetime. Right at that very moment, you know you had found the one you had been searching for all your life. You had found me, You silly guy, whom I had been waiting for.

Well, that would be a cute story for my love life. It is not like the one that happens every day. Then it is not my story. I was just hoping it to be my story. This is the love story that every hopeless romantic girl is praying for to God.

I always have a prayer in my heart for God, for the right man to come in my life but I guess I never really prayed that hard. I also realized that half of my heart is scared that I might not be ready for the man who can give me love. This time I prayed with all my might and now with my whole heart for the love I have always been dreaming of and for it to finally come my way. I could not ask for more on what I have right now. My family is doing great and I have a wonderful bunch of friends. I see that I got love all around me but every single woman like me long for that moment to be swept away by the man destined to love and take care of you for the rest of your life. I also admit that I might not be ready (though I am at the very right age now) but I know in prayers there always be an answer waiting to happen at the right time. So I pray. I prayed harder...

I pray for a man who would accept me as I am and who would not change me for who I am not. I can say I am low maintenance type of girl and I may not be the girl who always preps up to be pretty every day. There are times that I do want to feel pretty but most of the times I just blend in with the crowd. So I think the kind of man whom God will send for me is someone who can see among the crowd of people in one look (or maybe on a second look) and he will know that he had found the girl for him. I pray for a man who will take care of me as I take care of him.I may look string and sturdy like I am good to be by myself at all times but I am weak. I pray for a man who is sensitive to feel the moment when I needed him to hold my hand or to give me an embrace or a soft, soothing kiss. I pray for a man who has time to listen and understand her girl. A man who is not bothered to listen to his girl's incessant rants or amusing stories, I may not talk that much but when I do I want a man who really listens to me not just with his ears but with his heart. I may not pray for good looks, a great body or whatsoever but I know that there is more to love than what you see on the outside. I pray for a man who is proud and brave to love me and be with me. I pray for a man who makes it happen for the girl he truly loves. A man who would love me and would fight for me until the end. 

All of this, I pray for the man who will come in God's own precious time. The time when the moment is right and destiny is right on its path. The time when two hearts are bound to be one, the time when two lost souls are bound to  find each other and share their lives for forever.

Ruby Sparks (Movie Review)



"I love your mess."

Calvin(Paul Dano) the geeky writer who is having trouble coming up with the next best story after the big success of his previous novel while juggling to find that perfect date. One day, he woke up from a very vivid dream about a girl he never really knew and he found himself falling in love with this mystery girl. Through his therapist who suggests a writing activity for him, Calvin then started to write about this girl he called Ruby Sparks (Zoe Kazan). One day to his surprise, the girl she was writing about came to life. He also discovered that whatever he typed on his manual typewriter about him and Ruby will come to reality. At the beginning things were working out pretty fine. He just has to type something on his typewriter to fix things up whenever things get rough between them. Then as every perfect relationship there would always be a flaw that would seep inside to ruin everything. Calvin realize the complications of conforming Ruby's personality to him so everything would be perfect but it turned out to be a real mess in the end. As things get out of control, Calvin learned that he has to let go of Ruby because whatever he does to patch everything up, Ruby seems to be always the receiving end of the mess he started. Calvin then finally set Ruby free and is no longer bound by his words and will. He was able to start his next novel he entitled 'The Girlfriend' and it was a huge success. Calvin's love story started anew as he met a girl at the park who seemed to be fond of his dog Scotty. The girl looks every inch like Ruby but she does not remember him at all. They strike up a conversation about his book and he revealed he was its author.

Ruby Sparks was a very amusing movie and close to the reality of every relationship. We often complain about our partners not being the same as who we are and that complicates everything. In every relationship there is what we call compromise and accepting each other's flaws and mess. In the movie Calvin was longing to have that perfect girlfriend and the moment he knew that he can change Ruby to his liking seems a very promising start for a romantic relationship. In the end, it thought him a lesson that we cannot change a person just so they can blend with our personality. It gave him a bitter end for as he finally realizes Ruby's worth, he has already set him free.

"I guess I was looking for you. It just took me a while to find you."

Imagine Dragons - It's Time

It's Time

So this is what you meant

When you said that you were spent

And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit

Right to the top

Don't hold back

Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check

I don't ever wanna let you down

I don't ever wanna leave this town

'Cause after all

This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell

And I am left to sail

The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell

Right to the top

Don't look back

Turning the rags and giving the commodities a rain check

I don't ever wanna let you down

I don't ever wanna leave this town

'Cause after all

This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am

This road never looked so lonely

This house doesn't burn down slowly

To ashes, to ashes

It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am

Escape to an End

When I was 16, I thought of escaping the world. It is not a suicidal attempt of mine. I am too young to think of dying. What I mean is to escape from the cruel world and have peace in the confines of a convent. I thought of becoming a nun. I was 16 and a lot of my friends were excited for college. I was so scared of the world out there and I wanted to escape. It is a lot different from being in high school and going to be a mature person at once. But my escape did not push through, though I have asked a lot of signs to pursue my flight to being a nun. So I chose to face the cruel world and then suddenly my journey to life will be cut short because they say the world will end today.

Earlier this week, I was contemplating about the fact that what if the world will really end today. I was suddenly overwhelmed by sadness; not fear. I know all of us will come to meet our own ending but to know the end will come sooner than we thought is nerve-racking. Mostly, we feel scared about the end because we are not ready for it and there are still a lot of things we want to do. Some may look back in the years that had passed and taste the bitterness of regret. Some may be brave enough to face the end and will just celebrate the remaining hours of their lives. For me, I felt like crying and I do not know why. I am not scared of dying or facing the end. I was just hit by the sadness of being totally forgotten and erased in this world we have lived in. I was hit by sorrow on knowing that I will no longer be (even) a memory in this world. No one will be left to remember and appreciate the life I have lived with the people I loved and met along the way.

It is easy to die first and still knowing that people you loved and the people around you can still move along through life. It is good way to die knowing your memory will be kept in the hearts of the people you have learned to cherish in your life. It is beyond melancholy, knowing that as the world end we are but dust in the wind to nothingness. I am sad for the feeling that I am not a good influence to other people and made a difference in their lives. And if the world ends today, I hope as we take our last breath we are able to relive in our minds and cherish in our hearts those people who had made a great impact in our lives. It might be too late to reach out to them; call or maybe text them so to let them know. But being able to keep them and remember them in our mind and in our hearts is a good way to go.

Maybe as we scatter into nothingness we could still feel the warmth of each other. The feelings and memories we had shared for them and with this world. Maybe there is really no escape or shortcut to another way. All of us will come to an end, and it may not be really for today. It is of great feeling that we choose to go along and bravely face the end celebrating and appreciating the life we are living right now.

An Open Letter

Dear You,

Hello, I was born like everyone else. You may come out in this world in a different way but we all went out just the same, with a wailing cry of innocence. Well, maybe I had the world’s loudest cry had ever heard when I was born. But I was born just like you. So I wrote this, just to explain myself. But inside I don’t think anyone has to explain themselves to the world. Life and the world we have is so much of a swirl of emotions and adventures. I think how we chose that emotions and adventures will make us agree with the world as we go on through life. I am 24 years old; I may say and we can all agree that the world has changed a lot in views and realities. Sometimes what I chose to do is not acceptable and not as exciting as the others. So with that thinking some people will say I am different. Well, more of like peculiar, so peculiar that I tend to be boring and the world with its life find me unfit and nobody. So here’s to Nobody’s Girl of the world.

I was so quiet that I could go on a day without even talking. Yet you may find me snobbish and so full of myself because I don’t talk to somebody. You may think that I see myself so greatly that I don’t talk to you. But you see the thing is I don’t talk to you because you just don’t want to talk to me. You see me snobbish because I don’t find myself really looking and smiling at people. As much as I wanted to see faces and smile, you know I’m just scared you may not smile back at me or like the fact that I’m smiling at you. I just resort to just staring at my feet when walking. Oh, you know how I love walking. I love long walks and just contemplate on things. I love reading and writing about just what I feel and realized. You, see it’s just boring to the world. The world that knows and accepts that fun is not found usually on the things that I just loved to do. Hey, I tried drinking but I just don't think I would be a smoker. I would like to try but I just can't. As for drinking, I had my drunken moment but my body was way too sensitive to carry on with it. I would love to go partying and dance the night away. Party seems a lot of fun but I just don't think I would be fun with it. I might just spoil the night and end up being a burden. Most of the people thought I don't even swear. Well, I d o swear a great deal when I am mad and irritable. But you know that seldom happens. As you see, you have already put me in a box; that because I am quiet I should take in everything bad and unacceptable about the world. You don't even bother most of the time how hard it is for me to take you in and the rest of the world and the life you chose to take in. To accept and understand; if you can feel it, recently I find it hard now to do so. Mostly, I’m in a daze but you could not even tell unless I say so. You just see me as you know me and how I am so against the world you have. I mean against because you don’t see me do the things you do even if you influence me. I cannot do it; for that I apologize. You see it’s not that I’m too scared to try or too self-righteous to do some things out of my comfort zone. You know, sometimes when a person says it’s just the way they are, it really is just the way they are. We both know that the world we have is such a big factor on the life we chose to have and what I am I don’t blame it for anyone. I do think you would agree with me on this. As I say I was born like you; innocent and you know better as we grow older we expand ourselves to learn, to try and to change. It may be for the worst but it is never too late to be the better me and you, I choose to be me. Though you do realize that it is hard to be me, I am so unlike you in many ways. But the world has its funny way to make two different poles collide. You might ignore me, will try to despise me perhaps or you just go on with your life without knowing that you met someone like me. Well, I always think I’m forgettable and mostly whom someone you passed by unnoticed. We do feel like nobody in this world. But I fell I would be somebody’s somebody. I am happy that you sometimes choose to be my somebody and know my peculiar side. I hope you will continue to know me to be somebody you know. It fells a great deal to me when somebody won’t give up on me. Like a lover, a friend or a complete stranger I am happy that even for a minute someone chose to enter my world and most overwhelming if they chose to stay for a long time.

As this letter come to an end, you might still think I am a nobody to you and just some random people you chose to know and you then chose to drop like some useless trash. You see, I am resilient, I can understand you more than you can imagine. Though it is not really my obligation to do that when you really don't bother if I do it. In the end, we are like oil and water; you and I. A carefree and a bore; in a life we choose to live and the world we walk on. Like the sun and the rain. But you know we are thought as we live in that we should move on and live life to the fullest. You chose to do that, I also do. I am glad you have me as I am glad I have you. I'm never going to let go because I do not own you.  You are a part of the life I choose to have and I am happy to choose you. I thank you so much. I hope this explains me to you.

always,

Nobody's Girl

The Looper ( Movie Review)

"Don't let your target escape even if the target is you"

 

 

It's the year 2044, and Joe is there in a dry, barren field with his blunderboss waiting for something. And then someone appeared in midair that dropped on the empty mat and Joe took the shot. He is what they call the Looper. He is one of the specialized assassins who gets paid by silver by a mob who discovers the power of time travel who sends someone from the future for them to kill. They follow the rule, "Don't let your target escape even if the target is you". Things get complicated when he found out that his next kill is his future self.

My heart skipped a beat upon hearing the first blast of Joe’s blunderboss as he killed for a living. Joe was a orphan and was taken by a mob leader who trains assassins and Abe, the leader put a gun on young Joe’s hand. Joe was living the high life as he gets paid by the silver as he skillfully kills someone. But things started to turn around when his friend Seth ran to him and told him he let his future self escape when he found out is was his next kill. Joe did not want to get involve and sold his friend but little did he know it was turn to kill his future self. And somehow as it was his time to kill his future self the old Joe managed to escape right under his nose. Soon they will have to face each other for there is only who is supposed to live. The old Joe has a different plan who was determined to change the future in order for him to save his wife. He was able to relate to the young Joe about the story of the man they call The Rainmaker who was able to take over five major cities in the year 2074 all by himself. So the young Joe found out that they will have to kill someone's son who has an incredibly powerful telekinetic power. The young Joe met Sara the mother of Sid, the young rainmaker. As people get killed, and the future is at stake, the young Joe had to face the sacrifice of his life.

I was amazed by how Joseph Gordon-Levitt registers on the screen. He no longer has that boy next door look. His rugged countenance was perfectly fit for someone who has to play a cold-blooded assassin. Bruce Willis was at his best as usual and it was good of him to share credits with Levitt in this futuristic action film. Emily Blunt shined on her own as a mother who would sacrifice for her son. 

The movie shared how we can change our lives by the paths we chose to take and the sacrifices we chose to make. It instill in our minds that no matter how bad our life turns out to be it is never too late to take that 360-degree turn and change it for the better of yourself or someone else's even if you are inches away from death.

" And then I saw it.. I saw how a mother would die for her son... I saw how a man would kill for his wife...I knew this would go on forever and there was only one way to stop it from going..So I changed it."