Hypersensitivity

I was here. But I was not supposed to be here. I do not want to be here. Yet I was here. It’s like you wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere in a place where I am with someone who was there by my side. Like I was someone else in some place that I really like and be with somebody I was meant to be.

Yet, I was here. Time tells me I was supposed to be here. I should be in this rightful place at this very moment. It's not like I have no choice. It's just that at the moment I have no place to go.No one to be with. So my feet just led me to where I was supposed to be. And eventually, I understand why I was here or why I was there. I was with this person or at this very place. It was how I escape from my somewhere and get to be with somebody's somewhere.

So there you have it, I was really escaping from something but the world is still leading me to the real deal of it all. It is like God is telling me that this; my daughter is the world you are in. It is cruel. It is amazing. It is bizarre. It is complicated. It is a kaleidoscope of everything and everyone in it. And again, I was meant to see it and understand it. Even though I try so hard to escape and believe that the world is lovely place full of love and kindness, there is always the negative side of it. I know it is a test of how much you can put your faith in this world where almost everyone has escaped and had long ago surrendered.

As much as I would not like to see things, know and understand situations, I was meant to deal with it. I was here. I was there. I saw it. I hear it. I knew it. And I try to understand it. But these things are difficult for me. I found myself wishing not to know and see things this way. As much as I wanted to numb myself and be dumb on certain things, I just cannot do it. I was always involved even though I should not be in the first place. It is so hard when I try so much to understand but they do not want to let you inside. When I try to care and get involve, I was accused of being out of bounds. I was suddenly in a blur. It is like after all of it, I will have to figure out by myself what exactly just happened.

It is hard to be blind when you see things. It is hard to be deaf when you are needed to listen to it. It is hard to put yourself into mute mode because you know nobody will listen. It is hard not to feel at all when you know it is really meant to hurt. And thus, my doctor's diagnosis was right that I have hypersensitivity.

As much as I would not like to, I cannot escape. I am in this world. I am to deal with it. And at the end of the day, I was here for a reason.

Push

Have you ever felt like that? Like you were standing on the edge of the cliff with nowhere to go? You were like a piece of rock just dreading to be pushed by the strong wind and it watches you feel into pieces. It is so hard to feel you belong when there is someone voting you out of the circle. It is exhausting to fight for your rightful place when everyone is making you feel an outcast. It is so frustrating to stay when everything that is happening is pushing you farther away.

Why do we have to go through complications when all we wanted is just to fit in? Why can everyone just go along with each other and be honest? When every truth you believed in was just built from lies. I know in this world there are lies. There are cover ups. Everyone tries to wear a mask. Everyone tries to be mysterious so to find someone who can pull something out of them.

It is a wonderful feeling when you find somebody who had pulled you inside their world. When there are no monsters to reveal behind a dazzling masks. Somebody had trusted you and you put your faith in them. You are free to roam in their world and everything else falls into the right place. The world is real and you finally fit in.

But suddenly as you run along freely, you met a dead end and was standing in the edge. The world that makes you safe is suddenly a nightmare. They got you inside a huge cover up. They thought pulling you inside would give them something in return but they did not get that something. Something to gain for from letting you in. They had built a world of lies. And now they are pushing you off the sharp edge of a cliff.

All along you were true to yourself and to them but they were blinded by their evil schemes. To attract people in their world and to have you do something from them. The world you thought was real has suddenly come to an end. You were pushed away. You are now the rock falling into the abyss of being broken into pieces.

They did not see how better the world could be if only everyone is true. Everyone believes in someone else. Maybe then we do not have to struggle to be puled inside or have the fear of being pushed away. That is why everyone tries to be on the safe side and wear those masks or just hide inside their own world. I guess there would always be people trying to throw out people. It is just sad to see that in the end they are the ones left alone inside their world full of lies.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

"You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand."

I was circling the bookstore to find this book. I promised myself I would buy this book as I decided to get back to reading again regularly. And so I finally lay my hands on the book entitled "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky. As you see the book has a very interesting cover and deeply amazing plot. I am just scared that I might put this book down and I might not find the time to read it but I am glad I did not.

As I turned the pages I found that it is perfect for me. The story revolves around Charlie who opens up to a "friend" about his life by writing letters. So we get to know Charlie who is described by his Aunt Helen as "special". His teacher Bill believed is special too and is exceptionally intelligent. Bill gives him special assignments by giving him bokOps }yntmaking an essay out of it. His mother said he has a talent on telling stories. His father trusted him to keep a secret on how he caught his Dad crying after watching the last episode of Mash. His sister also made him keep a promise on not telling anyone about her accidental pregnancy. And how his brother shared stories with him about football and girls. And how Charlie was not afraid to cry and be emotional and say his "I love you's" to those people close to him.

Charlie was not the biggest geek or even popular. He is trying to blend in and trying to be noticed. Indeed he is a wallflower trying to test the waters of being a teenage but trying to swim on it and hoping not to get drowned. He eventually met friends, seniors Patrick and Sam. With them he was welcomed to the world of sex,drugs, dating, alcohol, gay relationships and love. As he go through exploring his world with them, they expect him to blend in, as a true wallflower; he see things,keep quiet about them and just have to learn to understand it for himself. Charlie learned that loving the beautiful Sam but nothing to gain in return is what true love is. Charlie saw that gay relationships might be so complicated but as long as the two people involved are in unity, he learned to be happy for his friends Patrick and Brad.

I was in this book as I was reading it. I was blending in the crowd like a perfect wallflower. Going on like I never really did care but deep inside there is a kaleidoscope of thoughts and emotions. And because unnoticed nobody really cared what you think or feel. And I was Charlie. I guess in this sea of people, there should always be a wallflower or maybe a bunch of wallflower. Trying t go unnoticed but would like to have a chance of a spotlight. Always the one being quiet but trying to get heard someday. And the real perk of being a wallflower is the ability to understand. It might seem pathetic because they immediately expect you to understand but I think it is the trust of people to judge you as being an understandable person. To accept things without questions. To see the reasons behind people's drastic choices or even their non-sense decisions.

A lot of friends saw me reading this book. One said, that the title itself tells it has a deep story. Another said, it is an emotional one. Then there is another who laughed at the title and asked if there would really be some perks of being a wallflower. And I was quick to answer that there is. The thought of being invisible without even having the real power of it is amazing. It might be strange and boring life of being unnoticed but the fact of being able to understand when no one would is a gift.

"We accept the Love that we think we Deserve."

Somebody to Love Glee Cast Version

"Somebody To Love"

Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief,
Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?

(He works hard)

Everyday - I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah

Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm ok, I'm alright
Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

A Notice and A Warning

(Note: I changed my blog title to make it more appropriate for myself of course.)

Warning: The following entry is just a swirl of thoughts and emotions that I cannot really organized as of the moment. Prepare to get dizzy or crazy.

I have felt how to be shocked in a pleasant way. God really has a way of surprising us everyday. I have lent an ear to a lot of friends this past few weeks also. I guess I am good at listening and I have the ability to really do listen. Every now and then there is a need for someone for somebody to hear them out. And I am (I think) that perfect somebody.

It is like being with a friend. I am so flattered (and it literally makes my heart flutter) because of being a trusted friend. Knowing that despite your differences in all ways it is so delightful on having your friends to trust you with their emotions and thoughts. It is so lovely a feeling.

I have trouble sleeping last night and I think my Ate is crying or she is just having a bad cold. I don't know. It just bothers me. She is just texting someone and I told her to please put her phone on silent mode. I remembered Mama saying that my sister can get married and I told her that I would also. But I do not think Mama took me seriously. Oh,well.

I think I am really a magnet to those people whom I can feel who needs me. One close friend told me that I was sensitive. I went to ask if my being sensitive is sometimes in overrated already. But I guess this how I am. I bother and think too much even if no one really cares. I see things and hear them. I do not respond through violent reactions but I keep silent most of the time and just understand the way life goes.

I also bought a new book, which practically inspired the changes here, in my blog. It is a book by Stephen Chbosky. I promise to write a review about it. Also the Breaking Dawn pandemonium is here and I was hooked. Twilight is finally is nearing its dawn. It is funny that it is only to the fourth installment that I get to appreciate how perfectly Robert Pattinson fits the character of Edward Cullen. Let us just forget Kirsten Stewart maybe I will appreciate her on the part two

Plus, if I get to be a vampire I think my sensitiveness would now go overrated.

Lighten Up

Let me lighten up my blog before everyone thinks that this is the blog of a suicidal. So I found this old note of a supposed to be blog back in college. The ink on the paper was already fading out but glad it was still readable. It is a list of things that fascinates me and make me happy. Here it goes:


Fireworks. Brilliant is the mind behind those fireworks. I am always fascinated by those glaring lights that took different colors and shapes as they shattered into the sky.

Fountains. I remember being at awe always at fountains. Whenever my parents brought us at the mall or at the park, they would always find me stuck in watching the waters spurting everywhere at a fountain. I love it especially at night, when they had those lights dancing along with the water. It makes me feel like a child again.

Fairytale. My little sister used to have this hard-bound Disney Cinderella book. I kept on reading it though the pages were already torn and there are scribbles on the pages by my sister. It makes me believe in magic and wonders behind this cruel world.

Bread and Fries. I would say that bread and french fries are few of the long list of the comfort food I love to eat during my "down days". Bread and french fries would be at the top of my list. I could never go sulky with these food in my mouth.

Moon and Stars. I am always drawn by the moon's light and the bizarre feeling it gives me. Or it is because it makes me a lunatic just what research says when it is in full moon. For me it is the most mysterious heavenly body for me. I was fascinated staring at stars also, especially when I learned that each has its own color and they also age and die eventually.

Rain. To some, if it rains it would ruin their day but for me I always love the rain. Though it is really annoying to go to work on a rainy day it is still refreshing to feel the drizzle on your skin. I used to think that God is sad when it rains.

Book and Writing. I tried to remember how I learn the basics of reading and writing. I wonder if my aunt who taught me how to read and write had a hard time before. But I thank her for her patience because I found the joy of reading and pouring out my emotions through writing. At home, it would difficult for my mother to make me do household chores once they saw me on my corner reading or writing something.

Trees. When I was a kid, I dreamed of becoming a tree. In a way I don't need to go somewhere else and just stay in one place forever. It is just sad that as much as a tree would like to stay, people took them away. They don't have a choice but to die.

Dusk and Dawn. When the sun sets or rises it is like watching a beginning and an end. I love the scene when the sky blend into different shades of color signaling the start of the day or welcoming the dark of the night. Reminding us that another day has ended and to hope for a wonderful beginning.

Dogs and Dolphins. I grew up in a household who are fond of dogs. So I am a certified dog lover. I also loved dolphins. I was amazed upon learning that once a dolphin finds a mate they would stay with each other for forever. Sometimes I have a feeling that I was a dolphin or a dog in my past life.

OneRepublic - Good Life (AOL Sessions)

"Good Life"

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Oh yeah
Good, good life
Good life
Ooh

Listen
My friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about