Put Your Faith in Me

Just when do you stop and when do you have to go. How do you know put your faith into something or someone who has left you with nothing but devastation? Just when would be right time to say you’ve had enough. To me losing faith is the most scary thing that could happen to oneself. When the time comes you no longer believe in everything or anything life has to offer you. Its like the time you put yourself on hold or like the time you don't want to feel anymore. I hate the feeling that I can no longer give my best to someone because I have lost my faith on it. I was suddenly tired and everything I do is half-hearted. I know it wasn't supposed to be that way because it wasn't that way before. I was betraying myself when I know I got more to give.

The feeling of pain can be the one main reason one has lost its faith into something. There would be so much hurting and lots of tears t dry the moment you lost the feeling you build to believe in someone. And that moment when you're in pain you get weak and feel so exhausted. You realize how many times and how hard you have tried to cling on to the very thin hope of holding on to something but nothing was returned. It's not that you are waiting for something in return but at least something. But I guess I was used of not receiving anything in return or just a simple gesture is fine.

Anyways, I had this thing on holding on to that little something, when I was close to giving up and something would happen to make me hope far more than before. A little something is all it took to make me turn my back and stay in my faith into someone. So again it is a stupid thing to do but these things are the signs that we hope for because we don't want to give u just yet. Yearning for something that might change everything and that after all it was all worth it in the end.

Then life was unfair, the very sign that you hold on to was nothing in the very beginning. With your best effort and taking those chances was all just a climax of nonsense. In the very edge of your glory you fell in the abyss of hopelessness. In the end, pain and tears were the only ones who were there all along. You were running along out of breathe hoping to reach the finish line which turned out to be a dead-end. And your faith in someone is just a tiny droplet of water which was not enough to quench the thirst of your exhaustion. The light that you see at the end of the tunnel seems to far for you to get into.

So some chose to sulk and be stagnant. What is the use of believing again and taking chances when it would all be put into waste in the end? I know it hurts and I know sometimes I would like to die now than die so many times because of making my faith whole again. But I get to be brave and be strong. I may have lost myself also but I still have a chance to find my way.I was there and all I have to do is get out of it. So what if I was hurt and I am not afraid to be weak and cry either. It makes me a better person. The faith I now hold on to does not need any signs or little things just to make me embrace it. Th true sense of it is just believing and taking the risks. No matter what people say. No matter what life gave you. No matter how painful it is just trust with the faith that somehow, somewhere, someone or something will all make it worthwhile. No regrets just simply putting your faith into it.

And it was just like putting your faith back to yourself...

And someone would put their faith in you...

Coming Back

It is hard for me to leave unless I am pushed away. When everybody is telling me to go I opt to stay. When there are no more reasons left to stay I still find my way to still be there. I try to find the good things in every situation for I don't want to feel regrets in the end. So you see by the the time I finally decided to leave, you already got the best of me. I can say I have exhausted everything.

I did find the good in goodbye. The light in leaving someone. It may take all my strength to get up and leave but I did. I was glad. I was suddenly proud of myself. I finally found the pride they are talking about. The self-worth that you didn't see. It become different though. I was not mad at leaving. I was just sad that it had to be this way. I was sad and clueless. I keep cracking my head on why do we ave to part when we should have just talk about it from the very beginning. But I guess both parties were sacred of the outcome or is it just me. There is something left unsaid and it was just left like that.The world was suddenly quiet and empty without that someone. I was thinking if you do feel the sadness, the emptiness that I feel but I guess you did not. Or maybe at the back of my head, wishing that you did...

With this kind of situation, is there a way f going back and staying the same. I have conditioned my mind that there is no coming back and tat we will totally out of each other's way. But then again, they are right you'll be coming back. Th world is alive again and I think I'm glad that what I expected (for the worst) did not happen. So it is true also that everything wold never be the same, I tried to remain the same but I found myself crying for the moment I can never have again. For the moment that was left undone. We are here. Back as we were before. But something has changed. Totally not the same. Still, it is a good difference.

To understand and accept that there are times that we need to leave so we can come back. To stay so we can learn to wait. And to change so we can understand...

So I expect

So they say it is stupid to wait for something that is never going to come. It is weak to long for someone you can never have. It is a work of a fool to hang on to someone you cannot expect something in return. Yet, we still do. We wait for it. We expect for it to happen. We long for it. But in the end we get hurt and just earned some disappointments.

Back when I was a kid expectations are just simple. I wait for my Papa to bring some treats when he went home from work. It is not every weekend that he would be home empty handed. My siblings and I grew up to now what we deserve and what we can have in the kind of life we are living. We are not affluent enough to throw tantrums whenever we cannot get what we want or poor enough to drool on things we cannot get. As early as this I learned to expect and to be disappointed in return. Let’s just say I got used to it. I don’t know this may be the part when my friends call me stupid or an idiot. Why do you have to cling on to something when you knew from the very start what it will get you in the very end?

Well, how do you stop when it is all you wanted?

So I once did a silly thing of telling my long hidden love to my cute neighbor (through Friendster). I composed myself not to expect any answer for I know from the very start it’s not going to progress into something I expect to happen. But still, I wait every day. Longing that one day, there would be that twist of fate that he may love secretly too. That just like in the movies, we will end up together but the end is we did not end up together at all. And the reply I have been waiting just set me to tears.

It is painful. It is silly. Stupid or whatever they may call it. I guess that is how the way you expect. It is like hoping that maybe just maybe everything will go your way. That someday it will come to you in the most unexpected way. A surprise or miracle perhaps. And then the disappointments that you fear coming will not be welcome anymore. Then there would be no pain and tears of a shattered hope.

So maybe they can say I am weak or too stupid to be smart in this kind of petty things. But once in a while or most of our lives, we do have that one great expectation. A hope in our heart that we long to see in reality. An assumption that one day we can believe to be truthful enough. And every once in a while we would encounter the pain of a disappointment...

I felt that. It is like my chest is pressed against the wall that I can no longer breathe. It is like my tears would never dry up anymore. It is all I ever wanted. It is the only thing I had put my hopes for. Maybe you can say that I am brave enough to still go on and expect for far better. But I guess, the more disappointment that was left behind a greater expectation can flourish.

So what if I get shattered at least I get to be whole again..

So you may think of me as a fool but behind my great expectations are painful disappointments yet still I bloom to a greater hope and believe in greater expectations...

**para kay 'Tay ^_^

Lie To Me

So we lie. Everybody does. We need to tell lies sometimes. There is a point that we all have to hide the truth so not to hurt someone, to make everything better or just to make our lives less complicated.

I am gullible. I tend to believe everything that people say to me. So most of the time, I do not know how to distinguish the truth from a lie. A joke from a real feeling. A tell-tale from the reality. I think that is a good thing but my Mama said that is bad for me. People might take advantage of me or just used me because I am so good at believing someone in an instant.

I guess I really do not have an issue when it comes to lying. It is just that we need to lie for as they say that the truth hurts. But You know, even though I am a believer on anything, I know when a person is really lying. I just feel it. The good thing about is I do not confront it. The person who is lying is just eaten up by his guilt because I take the lie truthfully. Most of the time they say I am stupid or just a moron who just believe on whatever people say to me. For that I get hurt, I cry or I tend to feel happy some times.

But the truth about lying is not with the person you are lying to but with yourself. My Papa always said that those people who lie only make a fool of themselves. They think that they are getting their way around on some stupid person because of lying but the hurtful truth is that they only lie to themselves.

So I really don't have an issue on people lying to me or people lying at all. They just want to believe also in certain things that will make their reality feel better. The sad truth is, to achieve that they have to forget honesty. It is good, you can lie to me. I can listen to it as long as I can believe. As long as I can accept and understand it. Just lie to me.

After all I am not scared of being lied to, what will hurt me is not being able to believe again..

Choice

Sometimes there is a point where you have to choose. I believe that everything we do and we chose defines the life that we live.

I sometimes wonder how different is the life that I live among other people in this world. I was sometimes at awe on how others get to the life they have. How their choices brought them o where they are now. And there are also time, I am saddened by the reaity on how their lives turned out because of what they had chosen.

They say I'm choosy but maybe because I learned to weigh things and see my choices outcome before I finally decide. It may mean that I don't risk it all but not exactly. I think I am lucky with the way I live, because I don't get to choose most of the time. It is because I know what contentment is and just lately learned the joy of accepting.

There are also experiences that affect the choices we made in life. In the end it is how we stick to what we choose or let it shape us to become a much better person for future choices to make.

Acceptance

Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me....

Sometimes I care too much. I care too much in a way that they think i am already interfering with their lives. the more I wanted then to be on the right track and to be away from danger the more they think I am over ruling everything in their lives. But the truth is I care too much when nobody really cares in return.

Sometimes I bother too much on things that don't really matter. But since I wanted to understand and make people understand in return, I always crack my head open on why certain things happen. why do people have to do this and that? Why do we have to complicate things? Why do we have to come and then leave in the process? i bother too much for other people that most of the time I forgot the things that really bothers myself.

Sometimes I believe too much that when the unexpected moment that things weren't the same way anymore, I was left shaken. My world suddenly turned upside down, all the while the things that you have embraced to believe were all lies and were meant to be shattered.

But I have learned these sometimes of mine were becoming a habit, that is too odd to be normal. I remembered one of my friend who told me that he does not trust the nature of a human anymore. I think that was sad. To no longer have faith in human anymore, But maybe he is right all along. Better face the harsh reality of the weakness of human than to go through believing when in the end it will all be nothing.

I guess I don't really have to understand, care or believe in too much but just accept...it is less painful...

On a Market Day

I can't remember the last time I went with my mother to the market. So I decided o go with Mama this Sunday. It felt like the old days were I hold on to Mama as we roam around the busy market buying all those stuffs we needed. I remembered my wide-eyed awe to the different people working in and out of the market.

I found myself still having that wide-eyed fascination to the people from all walks of life roaming around and busy to make both ends meet. I felt like a little child again. Our city’s market has been transformed into a much likeable and clean place to shop around. I no longer felt icky when walking on the moist and dirty part of the wet section. Everything is in place. My Mama just tugged me along to the different sections of the market. Buying food is a breeze. The meat and fish, vegetables and those dry goods are place in each section of their own.

Anyways, my habit of looking into the faces of different people was exercised on this trip to the market. Let me tell you the scenes I witnessed on a two-hour stay at our market...

Nothing much has change on a busy day at the market. I still saw those kids who were sometimes barefoot selling their plastic bags for Php2.00. "Ate, bili ka ng plastic,oh!" they would shout but sound like almost begging to those people to buy their plastic. I get to buy one from a mother with her daughter in tow who was selling calamansi. They said their thank you to me and even ask me to buy some calamansi...

I found a guy sleeping soundly under a vegetable stall. Despite the sweltering heat and the noise of the people around he found time to take a nap...

As Mama buys some 'bangus" an old man came rushing on my side with his pushcart. On it was what they call a 'banyera' full of fish. Hs skin was burnt by the sun and he has earned some gray hair. He was a bit small for an average man. I saw him struggling as he unloaded the banyeras to the stall near me. I was not able to see his face but I know he is too old with that kind of work...

As the plastic I am carrying gets heavy, Mama told me to just stay put in one place and I'll just wait for her to go back for me. I said no. I found that I am still scared to get lost and not to be with Mama on a busy market day. To think I was already 23 years old and it is not that scary to get lost among the crowd...

I miss doing this. I was thinking of going with Mama again on one of her trip to the market. I get to observed those people from all walks of life and think of what kind of life they are living....