Escape to an End

When I was 16, I thought of escaping the world. It is not a suicidal attempt of mine. I am too young to think of dying. What I mean is to escape from the cruel world and have peace in the confines of a convent. I thought of becoming a nun. I was 16 and a lot of my friends were excited for college. I was so scared of the world out there and I wanted to escape. It is a lot different from being in high school and going to be a mature person at once. But my escape did not push through, though I have asked a lot of signs to pursue my flight to being a nun. So I chose to face the cruel world and then suddenly my journey to life will be cut short because they say the world will end today.

Earlier this week, I was contemplating about the fact that what if the world will really end today. I was suddenly overwhelmed by sadness; not fear. I know all of us will come to meet our own ending but to know the end will come sooner than we thought is nerve-racking. Mostly, we feel scared about the end because we are not ready for it and there are still a lot of things we want to do. Some may look back in the years that had passed and taste the bitterness of regret. Some may be brave enough to face the end and will just celebrate the remaining hours of their lives. For me, I felt like crying and I do not know why. I am not scared of dying or facing the end. I was just hit by the sadness of being totally forgotten and erased in this world we have lived in. I was hit by sorrow on knowing that I will no longer be (even) a memory in this world. No one will be left to remember and appreciate the life I have lived with the people I loved and met along the way.

It is easy to die first and still knowing that people you loved and the people around you can still move along through life. It is good way to die knowing your memory will be kept in the hearts of the people you have learned to cherish in your life. It is beyond melancholy, knowing that as the world end we are but dust in the wind to nothingness. I am sad for the feeling that I am not a good influence to other people and made a difference in their lives. And if the world ends today, I hope as we take our last breath we are able to relive in our minds and cherish in our hearts those people who had made a great impact in our lives. It might be too late to reach out to them; call or maybe text them so to let them know. But being able to keep them and remember them in our mind and in our hearts is a good way to go.

Maybe as we scatter into nothingness we could still feel the warmth of each other. The feelings and memories we had shared for them and with this world. Maybe there is really no escape or shortcut to another way. All of us will come to an end, and it may not be really for today. It is of great feeling that we choose to go along and bravely face the end celebrating and appreciating the life we are living right now.

An Open Letter

Dear You,

Hello, I was born like everyone else. You may come out in this world in a different way but we all went out just the same, with a wailing cry of innocence. Well, maybe I had the world’s loudest cry had ever heard when I was born. But I was born just like you. So I wrote this, just to explain myself. But inside I don’t think anyone has to explain themselves to the world. Life and the world we have is so much of a swirl of emotions and adventures. I think how we chose that emotions and adventures will make us agree with the world as we go on through life. I am 24 years old; I may say and we can all agree that the world has changed a lot in views and realities. Sometimes what I chose to do is not acceptable and not as exciting as the others. So with that thinking some people will say I am different. Well, more of like peculiar, so peculiar that I tend to be boring and the world with its life find me unfit and nobody. So here’s to Nobody’s Girl of the world.

I was so quiet that I could go on a day without even talking. Yet you may find me snobbish and so full of myself because I don’t talk to somebody. You may think that I see myself so greatly that I don’t talk to you. But you see the thing is I don’t talk to you because you just don’t want to talk to me. You see me snobbish because I don’t find myself really looking and smiling at people. As much as I wanted to see faces and smile, you know I’m just scared you may not smile back at me or like the fact that I’m smiling at you. I just resort to just staring at my feet when walking. Oh, you know how I love walking. I love long walks and just contemplate on things. I love reading and writing about just what I feel and realized. You, see it’s just boring to the world. The world that knows and accepts that fun is not found usually on the things that I just loved to do. Hey, I tried drinking but I just don't think I would be a smoker. I would like to try but I just can't. As for drinking, I had my drunken moment but my body was way too sensitive to carry on with it. I would love to go partying and dance the night away. Party seems a lot of fun but I just don't think I would be fun with it. I might just spoil the night and end up being a burden. Most of the people thought I don't even swear. Well, I d o swear a great deal when I am mad and irritable. But you know that seldom happens. As you see, you have already put me in a box; that because I am quiet I should take in everything bad and unacceptable about the world. You don't even bother most of the time how hard it is for me to take you in and the rest of the world and the life you chose to take in. To accept and understand; if you can feel it, recently I find it hard now to do so. Mostly, I’m in a daze but you could not even tell unless I say so. You just see me as you know me and how I am so against the world you have. I mean against because you don’t see me do the things you do even if you influence me. I cannot do it; for that I apologize. You see it’s not that I’m too scared to try or too self-righteous to do some things out of my comfort zone. You know, sometimes when a person says it’s just the way they are, it really is just the way they are. We both know that the world we have is such a big factor on the life we chose to have and what I am I don’t blame it for anyone. I do think you would agree with me on this. As I say I was born like you; innocent and you know better as we grow older we expand ourselves to learn, to try and to change. It may be for the worst but it is never too late to be the better me and you, I choose to be me. Though you do realize that it is hard to be me, I am so unlike you in many ways. But the world has its funny way to make two different poles collide. You might ignore me, will try to despise me perhaps or you just go on with your life without knowing that you met someone like me. Well, I always think I’m forgettable and mostly whom someone you passed by unnoticed. We do feel like nobody in this world. But I fell I would be somebody’s somebody. I am happy that you sometimes choose to be my somebody and know my peculiar side. I hope you will continue to know me to be somebody you know. It fells a great deal to me when somebody won’t give up on me. Like a lover, a friend or a complete stranger I am happy that even for a minute someone chose to enter my world and most overwhelming if they chose to stay for a long time.

As this letter come to an end, you might still think I am a nobody to you and just some random people you chose to know and you then chose to drop like some useless trash. You see, I am resilient, I can understand you more than you can imagine. Though it is not really my obligation to do that when you really don't bother if I do it. In the end, we are like oil and water; you and I. A carefree and a bore; in a life we choose to live and the world we walk on. Like the sun and the rain. But you know we are thought as we live in that we should move on and live life to the fullest. You chose to do that, I also do. I am glad you have me as I am glad I have you. I'm never going to let go because I do not own you.  You are a part of the life I choose to have and I am happy to choose you. I thank you so much. I hope this explains me to you.

always,

Nobody's Girl

The Looper ( Movie Review)

"Don't let your target escape even if the target is you"

 

 

It's the year 2044, and Joe is there in a dry, barren field with his blunderboss waiting for something. And then someone appeared in midair that dropped on the empty mat and Joe took the shot. He is what they call the Looper. He is one of the specialized assassins who gets paid by silver by a mob who discovers the power of time travel who sends someone from the future for them to kill. They follow the rule, "Don't let your target escape even if the target is you". Things get complicated when he found out that his next kill is his future self.

My heart skipped a beat upon hearing the first blast of Joe’s blunderboss as he killed for a living. Joe was a orphan and was taken by a mob leader who trains assassins and Abe, the leader put a gun on young Joe’s hand. Joe was living the high life as he gets paid by the silver as he skillfully kills someone. But things started to turn around when his friend Seth ran to him and told him he let his future self escape when he found out is was his next kill. Joe did not want to get involve and sold his friend but little did he know it was turn to kill his future self. And somehow as it was his time to kill his future self the old Joe managed to escape right under his nose. Soon they will have to face each other for there is only who is supposed to live. The old Joe has a different plan who was determined to change the future in order for him to save his wife. He was able to relate to the young Joe about the story of the man they call The Rainmaker who was able to take over five major cities in the year 2074 all by himself. So the young Joe found out that they will have to kill someone's son who has an incredibly powerful telekinetic power. The young Joe met Sara the mother of Sid, the young rainmaker. As people get killed, and the future is at stake, the young Joe had to face the sacrifice of his life.

I was amazed by how Joseph Gordon-Levitt registers on the screen. He no longer has that boy next door look. His rugged countenance was perfectly fit for someone who has to play a cold-blooded assassin. Bruce Willis was at his best as usual and it was good of him to share credits with Levitt in this futuristic action film. Emily Blunt shined on her own as a mother who would sacrifice for her son. 

The movie shared how we can change our lives by the paths we chose to take and the sacrifices we chose to make. It instill in our minds that no matter how bad our life turns out to be it is never too late to take that 360-degree turn and change it for the better of yourself or someone else's even if you are inches away from death.

" And then I saw it.. I saw how a mother would die for her son... I saw how a man would kill for his wife...I knew this would go on forever and there was only one way to stop it from going..So I changed it."

 

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out

                                           

 Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah... 

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
                       Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me                                 

The Mistress (Movie Review)

                                              “Hindi dahil gusto mo makukuha mo.”

Once again the unbeatable chemistry of the love team Bea-John Lloyd drenched our hankies and dried our tear ducts in Star Cinema’s 10th year anniversary offering. The Mistress gave a different dose on what we expect of true love and happy endings.

The story evolves on the intertwined lives and loves of the characters. Sari (Bea Alonzo) who is devoted in helping her family is the secret lover of Rico (Ronaldo Valdez) while his wife Regina (Hilda Koronel) becomes a drunkard because of one mistake she did that resulted to a son born from another man; JD (John Lloyd Cruz) who is then determine to take revenge on his father’s woman but ended up falling in love with her. Each character that we met in this movie would not be remarkable without the other.

I was endowed to Regina’s character, who struggles for her husband’s attention and forgiveness because of one mistake of bearing a child from her lover. In return, her husband kept on punishing her by carrying on with a string of mistresses but she knew very well that her husband would always come back to her eventually. This shows the bitter truth that if a woman made a mistake by taking in a lover she would be marred by it for the rest of her life but when a man takes on a mistress it was not a mistake but an accepted reality. Then there is Rico, a successful man trying to find a love that faithfully adores him which he found in Sari when he himself cannot seem to be loyal enough with his own wife. Sari was a tough woman with an enduring heart. She was your typical Filipina daughter that bears the responsibility for her family and even vowed never to get married. She was the woman who is always ready to take care for someone else and totally forgetting about her own happiness. She eventually finds a love that cares for her in Rico. And then we have JD, a son who was behind the shadows of his deceased half-brother and begged for his father’s love though he hates his womanizing activities that drew his mother into being an alcoholic. He soon found out who was his father’s mistress and vowed to seek revenge for his mother. But alas, love came as they least expect it and complicate matters.


This is a love story that does not give you butterflies in the stomach and excites you with 'kilig' moments. This is a love story that tells you that not everything you ever wanted will always come your way as Sari said in the movie. But JD's side believes that there would always be a way to get what you want if you really do want it. Then again, this love story will not give you the resolution you have been hoping for in the end. Their love story gives us the realization that when love is true it endures and sacrifices. No matter how you love or who you love it will always teach you that love sacrifices. No matter how long you have hoped for or no matter how much you wanted to be with each other, there will come a time that you would have to sacrifice. If not for the both of you, it would be for the betterment of the people around you. In the end, the movie leaves the decision to its audiences. How you see the ending will show how much are you willing to take or sacrifice for love?

Void

I often find myself thinking over something a little too much. I tend to over analyze and end up confusing my own mind. So when I started looking from afar and went blank, I felt scared. I do not feel normal. I know there is something wrong. It is not bleak or confusing at all, my mind just went blank even my feelings.

To be hollow is too deep a word. It is also way too much frightening to feel vacant in some part of my life. It is still normal to feel the emptiness. When suddenly the random thing you are so familiar with felt exhausting. But really, it is not exhausting but it just seems meaningless. There was this one night that I found myself crying because of one question that I do not have the answer. They say I always know about certain things. They are wrong. There is one query that always sends me to tears or just put me into mum mode. I was trying to evade that question. Luckily, there are not too much people who had asked me that question. Well, maybe I do not look the type who needs to answer that question. The truth is I am scared because I do not have an answer myself.

The question is: what is it that you really want in life? I feel like I am the most stupid person in the world because I cannot answer that question. I would love to answer it but I know at the back of my mind it is far from the reality of me. I know I would be a hypocrite if I do not want something in life. I really have a lot in my mind and so let me just spill it out. I would really love to have a DSLR camera and took pictures about anything. I would love to explore London and Paris. I would love to learn to speak French. I also loved to get a second degree, maybe International Studies or Literature or Foreign Languages. I would also love to join a cause and be a proud crusader of maybe the environment, social awareness or something that I can offer my help. I can also include some ridiculous dreams when I was a child. I wanted to learn ballet, or be a figure skater; be a pianist or a gymnast. So you can forget the dreams because that was a fruit of some childish dreams. It is a far cry from where I am now.

I know it is wrong to blame life or what I am in the society if I was finding it hard to get what I want in life. I can never blame my family for being poor and just giving me what will suffice for me and my siblings. At a young age, I have learned to be contented and bear in my mind that not all that I want in life is what I will need. My parents instill in me that what you need will be enough and sacrificing what you really want for the better. But here comes the emptiness. There is always the satisfaction that cannot be filled by just a mere need. Human being will always want something or anything. Some lose their way and fail at the end because they seek their wants on a wrong road and on a wrong purpose. A want can be a need if we only know how to keep our heart and mind glued to what really matters. I maybe sounding like a preacher right now or a self-righteous person but I know I am also weak. There are a lot of times that I want to be selfish and just what I want. But my life is not always easy like the others. I know how it is sacrifice and let your happiness set aside so others can be happy. I do not always have the easy way.

And yes, because of what I want being set aside I feel so empty and void about my life.  I was always asking myself if this would do and gratify my wants. The answer was right in front of me all along. Again I may sound pompous. The void that I encounter was there because I failed to make myself happy with what I do best; being a good daughter, a sister and a friend. The void was swallowing me for I feel I have not done my part with the people around me. It may sound annoying to just stay nice but this is me and I am good at it. This I what fulfill my being. Eventually, what I want will come to me in God’s time. As they all good things come to those who wait. And a void will be there so it can be filled up.

Silence Loves a Loner

You can find her at the solitude table eating her packed lunch alone. There she is at her spot busy doodling when all other persons around her were busy chatting and laughing. Amidst the raucous and rowdy surrounding, the ghost of silence was drawn to her. It sits unknowingly on her shoulder and found solace at the girl. A girl whom awhile ago was accused as a loner. 

So the loner in me finally found someone whom I can attract and be drawn to me. I don’t know but suddenly I felt like I found my old self again. My old self whom I loved the most but was lost because I was trying to be more with the world I was in. But, then again out of nowhere when someone shouted and called me a loner, I felt like having amnesia and was healed when I heard that word. I came to know again that this is the very soul of me. 

Ever since, I was young my teachers would have the same repetitious comments on my report card; timid, shy, quiet and whatever adjective that can be synonymous to those three words. I do not think my parents were even bothered about it. I think they were just scared eventually as I grew up, because they think I may not be ready for the world and it might eat me up in whole. I was not the mean type of a fighter or someone who would even try to get even when being steeped on. Though sometimes my being timid and shy is like  bait to those people who have the habit of making other people's lives miserable. But sometimes my being quiet also wards them off my life and they left me alone. Maybe they realize that I am boring with fighting back.

And right now, if someone asked me if this is my weakness then indeed it is. Honestly, I was having a hard time pinpointing my strengths and weaknesses. But I came to a conclusion that my being a loner and the silent type are both my weakness and strength. As I try to battle my way and be one with the world, eventually the weakness of being a loner become my own strength. As the name calling of being a loner echoed in my ear I felt my strength. I have talk about finding solace in silence and I guess it has fell in love with me in the very first place. In the very first place that I cried on my own, felt hurt like I can no longer breathe and surrendering my pain. Silence was there to embrace me when I felt alone and ignored.  It was like an unrequited love waiting to be loved back. It is true when they say that we should not bury our roots deeply in this world. As a loner, I learned that as I tend to do that we are sooner or later; losing ourselves. It is like we pattern our lives with the way the world has to when it is not really the right way. And here I am hearing the call of silence and embracing my solitude as I know I will always have to keep up with the world where everybody is changing and influencing you. But I know I will always have silence and my loner self to save me.

You can see me eating lunch alone at a solitude table or at a corner deep in a book or just writing something. I guess I have my own world and anyone can feel free to be in mine. But I know when I felt alone my first lover; Silence would always love a Loner in me.